Placebocrud.

I wrote this post on Saturday – at the time not at all sick myself, but just because I had the random idea for the post from my last several rounds of sickness and all of the complaining sick people on Twitter.

Then, before I published it, guess what I came down with? The very same crud that I talk about in this post. And, to make it even more enjoyable, Ali has it too.

See if I ever write about sickness again.

Anyway, Ali and I stayed home all day and watched Disney Playhouse – which kept cutting in with cartoonized public service announcements about what to do if you have the flu. Apparently only sick people watch Disney playhouse, which is, in fact, true in our case.

We did NOT go to the doctor yet because I know that they will probably tell me the same thing they always tell me – it’s viral and there’s nothing that they can do about it.

Which only further intensifies my below request to the FDA.

Dear Federal Drug Administration,

We, the world, have a complaint.

We’re all sick and tired of getting sick, getting more sick, getting paranoid that we caught Swine Flu or Strep Throat or Nose Cancer, going to the doctor, charged $35 or more, getting poked, pricked, swabbed, and otherwise invaded, only to be told, “Oh, it’s just the crud. It’s viral, so it’s just going to have to run it’s course. Try taking some Dimetapp.”

Then, we leave, steaming mad at ourselves for wasting $35, 2 hours, a few milliliters of blood and throat saliva, all to be told that there is NOTHING. ANYONE. Can do. For us.

Which has the effect of making us feel worse, despite downing the Dimetapp to try to make our Virus pack up and leave and to feel like we got SOME cost-effectiveness from the doctor trip.

And so, we have a request: please lie to us.

All you have to do is invent a sugar pill – or even better, a sugar shot (because shots always seem more serious) – that “treats’” viruses.

When we come in and they discover that we have the viral crud again, the doctor can say, “Well, it IS a virus, and normally I would say that it would just have to run it’s course, but I have great news!!! The FDA just approved a new shot that will cure your virus!! Now..viruses can be a little more tricky to treat than just the usual bacterial illness, so it may still take up to 7 days to fully take effect, but you WILL get better!”

Then, stick us in the butt with the super-duper-virus shot and send us on our merry way.

We will leave, relieved to have gotten treatment for our serious illness and feeling like our $35 + 2 Hours was well spent, and already feeling a bit better, just because we know that shot is now working it’s way from our butt to our nose and healing us with every step.

I’m telling you, Mister FDA, the power of suggestion has a LOT of healing power. It’s totally legitimate to treat us – successfully even – with lies.

Sincerely,

A Repeatedly Annoyed and Especially Prone to Viral Illnesses Citizen.