…but I can promise that there are no pictures anywhere in this post.

I’m sure you’re ALL just dying for an update on my Poopless Princess. Her marvelous talent for being quite literally anal retentive has created some pretty impressive results lately.

For one, a Monday through Saturday fast ended SO monumentally (at Gramamma’s house, thank goodness) that it made my Mom utter the word “Turd” for the first time in her life.

At Sunday dinner.

Whilst holding her hands about four feet apart to illustrate how long it was, in explanation for why she ended up having to plunge the completely stopped up toilet after a TWO YEAR OLD used it.

So I gave Ali Miralax every day last week, in hopes that she wouldn’t be able to continue this new hobby of hers. She STILL went 5 days on her mission of Determined Defecation Delay.

And then…Sunday came.

I REALLY wish it hadn’t.

But it did.

We were eating a nice meal with some good friends at a Mexican Restaurant after church. Ali made the short, high pitched “eeeee!” that she often makes when she needs to go tee-tee. As if the urge hits her out of nowhere. No problem – we hop down and head to the bathroom.

We arrive and I pull down her pull-up and tights all at once and hoist her onto the toilet, not really paying attention to what I’m doing – it happens a lot, after all.

And then I look down.

And I see that while putting her up on the toilet, I have created a horizontal mountain on the side of the toilet bowl. And multiple brown streaks all the way down it, all thanks to the contents of her pull-up.

And then I look down further.

It’s everywhere. All over her tights…legs…you name it.

Thinking that this was going to be a quick tee-tee trip, I had left my purse at the table. I had NOTHING with me. No wet wipes, no extra pull up, no high-powered pressure washer, no white flag to run up the flagpole, no barf bag, no toxic waste protection suit, no phone to call 911. . .

I stood there, looking at Ali, who at this point I had pulled back off of the toilet and was standing there, staring at me.

I spent a minute hoping that one of the other kids would have to come tee-tee, and so another Mom would come to my rescue.


Ideally, Chris would empathically sense my desperate need of help and come rushing to my rescue anytime now.


I weighed all of my options, and finally decided that our table was close enough to the bathrooms to leave my child in the stall with her poo around her ankles and get my purse.

I mean – what do you do? Her pull-up was certainly not going to be travelling back up her legs!

I told her to stand still and to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING (as she had been very curious about the sideways mountain), and I ran.

I got to the table and in a panicky voice told Chris to hand me my purse and ran back as Chris and all of our friends watched wide-eyed, knowing the carnage that must be behind those bathroom doors.

It took me about 20 minutes and another stopped up toilet to clean up the full reaches of the toxic spill. It included higher levels of difficulties where I gained extra Mommy points such as the fact that the changing table had a significant curve downward, so I couldn’t let go of Ali to throw away my used, um, “accessories”, because she would slide right off, creating even more streaks of unpleasant substance.

But the best part of this whole adventure was Ali. I was panicked about it and focused on the task at hand, but I never fussed at her. She was calm, but she took it upon herself to repeat, over and over throughout the whole ordeal, very matter-of-factly and emotionless,

“I’m sorry that I didn’t recognize that I needed to poop, Mommy.”

We finally got all cleaned up and returned as everyone else was leaving.

But that’s okay.

Seeing as how we were eating Mexican, I really didn’t feel like finishing my refried beans anyway.

p.s. – No one use the handicapped stall at Sol Azteca for a few weeks. It’s stopped up. And might have a few germs left on it.

24 thoughts on “At the Risk of Becoming Known as a Poo Blogger…

  1. Maybe, just maybe this will break her habit and let her realize she must poo. That would be a good outcome. Glad there were no pictures the ones in my brain are bad enough. LOL

  2. I don't even think she can top that in her teenage years. That's the worst it will ever get for you. So, I see it as a positive. ;)

  3. I, uh, [insert witty comment here.]


    I have a similar story involving a baby named Luke, a rental car, a carseat, and a stomach virus, but I think this post said it all.

    Poor Ali. Poor Mom.

    I ate at Sol Azteca back in college when it was in the Vestavia Motorlodge. I think I remember having a similar experience. Or not. Whatever. Eww.

  4. Okay – I'm not able to follow the blog as routinely as I want to, so you may have already addressed this.. You know there's a book called "Everybody Poops" right? Perhaps making her read it about 10 times a day could help. =) If you're looking for a copy of it, just ask Josh B. He's the one who brought it to our attention in high school. Well, good look to you! You've got your work cut out for you!

    Ashley H

  5. Oh man! Our poop journey with C was a nightmare of vast proportions that lasted for longer than I care to mention. I hope and pray that Ali's "issues" clear up rapidly!!!

  6. Oh my goodness! I am so sorry! These types of episodes are what make parenting SO interesting! That's great that she was so calm about it…and that you were too! I have a bad habit of scolding when this kind of stuff happens…I know it's not on purpose but I just feel like saying, "Are you kidding me? What were you thinking?" Haha, hopefully this will help her go when she needs to!

  7. "Everybody Poops" is a good book…..I'm not sure Ali would appreciate it though! She would beg to differ. I can so see all of that happeneing…hahaha

  8. OMG this is so freaking funny. But only b/c it wasn't me. I can't even imagine what I would have done in that situation. I'm certain your Mother of the Year Award will be arriving shortly.

  9. Oh shoot Rachel. Not funny and yet… so bloomin' hysterical. Suddenly I am SO thankful for hormonal teenagers.

    Have a great week!

  10. I can honestly say that I wish I hadn't read this post! It was a train wreck I couldn't take my eyes off of!

    But seriously, poo is such a good disastrous topic to blog about, I can't blame you.

  11. My weekend was much the same. My son enjoyed one too many hot dogs at the friday night football game. Saturday was a nightmare. Believe me – be gald that you have a girl. boys do the darnest things. Story too long to tell about on here. Lets just say that I had to cut his underware off of him and get him straight to the shower. I am just so glad that we were at home.

  12. Oy. I'm a nurse, but reading about your experience still gave me the willies. I'm so sorry. At least you both took it into stride very well.

  13. I had one of those deals, but it was in, on, around, and under a car seat, at homestead hollow, with only a few wipes and 1 bottle of water! Thanks antibiotics, thanks.

  14. I've so been in a similar situation with my son, who I can assure you is now 100% trained. Just think of it as a "deposit" in your memory bank of motherhood.

    Very funny post – I nearly split something!

  15. Oh My Word! Girl! Bless your heart! I had a poo experience in the dressing room with a newborn. It was AWFUL! No sink, no toilet, no paper towels….UGH

  16. You've seriously put the fear of God in me. My little girl is months away from potty training, but I don't know that I'll ever be able to take her to a bathroom without bringing in reinforcements after reading this.

  17. Thank you so much for sharing this on Whippersnapper Wednesdays! Man, you might have won a prize with this one if I was giving them out. :)

    This post makes me REALLY not excited about potty training. :blink:

    PS- was this the Sol Azteca in Hoover? Just making a mental note. hehe

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