When the 80’s fashions came back in style a couple of years ago, it didn’t bother me.
Sure, they were horrid and ugly and I couldn’t understand who would want to wear them and all that, but it wasn’t personal. After all, I was just a child in the 80’s (0 – 8 years old), so if I HAD worn 80’s trends, they were very kidded-down versions.
However, this fall’s 90’s Throwback fashions are offending me.
Not in the offensively immodest way (they are quite the opposite, really), but in the “Am I Really Old Enough For This To Be Happening To Me?!?!?!” way.
I remember when “Bell-Bottoms” came back in style, and my Mom was so horrified that they were “back”. I didn’t understand – “Really? Come on, Mom – they’re vintage and great!!”
But now I understand how she felt. Plaid??!! Back?? Cool?? How can that be cool? They were so unattractive and shapeless and horrid.
(Or is it just the visual of my awkward High School self seared into my mind that is making them seem so horrible?)
At any rate, since I am OBVIOUSLY not old enough for this to be happening to me, I am fighting back with this post, in which I will be exposing the crimes of the 2009 Reenactment of Plaid Fad.
To do my research, I canvassed the currently for sale Plaid “fashions” (and I DO use that term lightly), and have them here for your review. And, unfortunately, there was SO MUCH plaid to be found that every website I went to had choices like these in the sidebar:
PLAID PLAID PLAID
Don’t believe me?
Yes, the plaid epidemic is THAT bad. It’s more widespread than the Swine Flu ever thought of being.
Unfortunately, they didn’t go back to the 90’s and just bring back our awful plaids. they also brought back the ever unflattering and potato-sack-shape-inducing drop-waisted dress:
Which, when combined with plaid, looks like something that my Great-Grandmother used to sleep in. Or maybe the Ingall girls in Little House in the Prairie. All it needs is the long, white night-cap from “The Night before Christmas” to go with it.
They also brought back the standard, plain, nothing-interesting-about-it Plaid shirt:
I had one nearly just like it that I treasured and adored. During my most dark days of Early High School fashion judgment.
My other favorite plaid shirt was a combination of these two:
Yes, it was Christmas Red-And-Green. And it was so long and overly bulky that it had a half-dollar sized rip in the side that you couldn’t even see because there was so much dang billowing plaid fabric.
Another great plaid fashion trend that we see back this fall is the Geezer Dress Shirt (that is always so old it is yellowed with age and cigarette smoke):
EVEN OLD MEN QUIT WEARING THOSE. Seriously – if one could puke plaid, THAT would be what it would look like.
Although on most accounts (including all referenced so far) it is obvious that they haven’t tried this, there are a couple instances where they’ve actually attempted something more impossible than sitting through the entire movie of Gigli and actually liking it: They’ve attempted to make plaid sexy:I’m pretty sure that the words “strapless” and “plaid” have never, ever been placed next to each other until this year.
And there was a VERY good reason for that.
Speaking of Daisy Duke, they’ve also brought back the horrid western plaid look:
Don’t worry – if you’re more of a carnival girl than a western girl, you can choose the cotton-candy plaid:
Of if you have a more somber occasion to attend, there’s the black-lace-funeral-dirge plaid:
I’m sure that someone in the food chain of designers realized that the standard plaid shirt had no waist definition and therefore was NOT flattering in any way, so they made it all the more “Little House on the Prairie-ish” by adding this gorgeous pintuck-and-flow option:That shirt is looking for it’s covered wagon and bonnet if you see any wandering around.
And the weird window-drapey-skirt look. (Which, by the way, don’t bend over while wearing. I saw someone wearing one of these (non-plaid) dresses at Church bend over to pick up their kid and I could see their plaid underwear. Except that it wasn’t plaid.)
Okay. I somehow feel vindicated now.
Just please, please, PLEASE tell me that kids these days don’t refer to plaid as “Vintage”.
I just said “Kids these days”.
Next thing you know, I’m going to be rocking on the front porch, popping my dentures in and out, trying to sort my 57 medications into my “pill of the day” container and talking about how my hemorrhoids are causin’ my goiter to act up.
All sinfully indecently ugly plaids in this post were found at the Belk, Kohl’s and Delia’s websites. I will be looking for their letters of gratitude and payment for my shameless promotion of their products post-haste.