Thomas The Porch Cat.
photo 8 s

I despise him with all of my physical and metaphysical being.

When he first started hanging around full-time, he (our assumed pronoun – we’ve never checked) was shy, thoughtful, and timid. He was grateful for the food we gave him and was never demanding or rude in any way.

That was over a year ago.

In the last four months, he has…

….peed on (and ruined) my porch furniture cushions. (I needed new ones anyway, so used this as an excuse to upgrade said porch cushions.)

….peed on the new (thankfully watertight) porch box I now store my new furniture cushions in to prevent feline urination.

….puked on the porch stairs.

….pooped on the porch.

….left half-eaten chipmunks on the porch.

(Like literally half a chipmunk.)

(The front half.)

(With the guts dangling out.)

…left just the intestines of an unidentified animal on the welcome mat.

IMG_7039You go ahead and eat your food nonchalantly as if there’s not poop chute sprawled out behind you.

(Nothing says welcome like disembodied bowels.)

…left bird crumbs on my new welcome mat (after I couldn’t handle the bowel-ey welcome mat.)


But Thomas’ ultimate horror show was more subtle…

During the holiday season, my dear husband’s yearly display of Christmas lights weren’t working one evening when the children and I returned home. At first I feared the power was out.

But it wasn’t…puzzling.

I didn’t touch the light display – I am not qualified. So I left the situation for Chris to figure out after returning from a hard day’s work.

Chris investigated. Chris called me outside. Chris methodically walked me through the situation, with an eery calmness in his voice.

The Stupid Porch Cat had…

a.) Crawled over a piece of furniture and under another,

b.) Wedged his devil self into a very precarious position,

c.) Vomited INTO the surge protector from which all lights originated,

d.) Shorted out the entire display.

The cat clearly upgraded himself to the level of Deranged-Aunt-Bethany’s-Christmas-Vacation-Cat. Next year Thomas is most definitely going to find a way to make our Christmas Tree explode.

We desperately wanted to wrap him in a box and re-gift him to a large-hearted relative. We even begged said large-hearted relatives to take him with them when they left town.

Puzzlingly, they refused.

But seriously, y’all. What does one do with an emotionally abusive stray cat?

Do we quit feeding him (yes we still feed him 1-2 times a day, depending on the quantity and loudness of his meows)?

And if we do quit feeding him, how much physical and emotional damage will he do to us as a family before he goes and finds another family to haunt?

Can we pay someone to drive him to another county? Or state? Or Mexico?

Can we seek out a stray guard dog, which will then turn our porch woes into a sequel of “There Was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly”?

I seriously need to know the proper procedure here. And I might’ve offered a babysitter a buck a mile to drive him away.

But Thomas could sense I was getting irritated with him.

Maybe the new welcome mat was a tip-off – I don’t know.

And so I came home from a rather stressful day to find that he finally left me something at least halfway useful.

IMG_1286 2

A perfectly preserved chipmunk. How thoughtful.

I began scouring the house for the accessories that spoke to me with regards to this gift.

I first decided he was a reader – the stick still left in his paws when Thomas delivered him gave the appearance that he was also a smoker.

You Call This Tragedy IMG_1988You kids call this tragedy? Let me tell you about tragedy.

Then it struck me that he was definitely a Pokemon. Perhaps a Chipachu.

Chipachu the Chipmunk IMG_2029Gotta catch ‘em all!

Then I went through a drawer of kid’s prize trinkets and found the destined items to gift to my new friend. It took a little work to get them into his tiny claws (the main part of which I did wear rubber gloves to do),

besides the fact that I then had to pour coffee into the miniscule mug,

Behind the Scenes Roadkill IMG_7417

But my careful work paid off. With Thomas’ help, I had created the munk, the myth, the legend.

Monday the Chipmunk.

Coffee The Chipmunk IMG_2068Some days are just made for coffee and ice cream. Simultaneously.

He summed up my day and made my day. Simultaneously.

And, because I can already think of a dozen people I need to send Monday to, the note cards are already on order.

Screen Shot 2018-01-22 at 4.12.17 PM

So, Thomas The Porch Cat gets a temporary reprieve.

VERY temporary.

photo 9 sGood night, Thomas. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely call an Uber for you in the morning.

8 thoughts on “Rage against the Feline.

  1. OMG yes! An Uber! Why didn’t I think of that?? Our cats scream/yowl pathetically and annoyingly ALL the way to the vet. Could I get them an Uber so I don’t have to listen and just meet them there?? But yeah, Thomas would definitely be on a short leash (haha!) or a box to Abudabi a la Garfield and Nermal.

  2. Wow I am super thankful that we have no cat-haunting stray at our house! And double wow that chipmunk looks so perfect! He doesn’t even look dead with his eyes open and everything. Haha!

  3. Monday rhe chipmunk is awesome.. Also, love the princess bride reference.

    Do you have a neighbor you don’t like, who doesn’t have security cameras? Maybe you could feed Thomas there?

    Alternatively, feed him more so he only needs to hunt for sport and maybe delivers you more intact modeling subjects?

  4. This is my worst nightmare. I HATE cats. I have some fear of them despite having had no direct horror stories with a cat.

    Do you have a Humane Society or a no-kill animal shelter? Ours will pick up the cats and adopt them out.

  5. Love the Princess Bride reference at the end!!

    Also. though I shudder at being THAT person…. there might be an oil for that. Seriously. Most cats are very sensitive to smells. Add a few drops of peppermint to your mat, and it just might make him stay away. Maybe.

  6. That was great! The one time we had a stray cat wondering around, by the time I remembered to get it did it was gone. I don’t feel too bad it.

  7. Actually,
    Despite your feelings for Thomas, He obviously thinks highly of you.
    Bringing dead things home to you is his way of paying tribute. In his feline head, he is sharing the spoils of his successful hunt with you. you should be honored. to us, they are just guts, but to him, he saved the best part just for you. He was being a little greedy when all he left was feathers though.
    Great calendar by the way.

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