Pinterexia Nervosa: A Diagnostic Guide.

Originally published June 13, 2013.

Pinterexia Nervosa is a body/home image disorder in which people have an intense anxiety over ensuring that their life is completely pinnable at any moment. This disease is most often diagnosed in women and most prevalent post-childbirth, as the quantity of contractible symptoms grow when children are involved.

What are the Symptoms of Pinterexia Nervosa?

• An inability to pass a home improvement store without peeking around back to forage for used pallets to knock one more item off of that “50+ Wooden Pallet Projects” to-do list.
• Rainbow-Color-Order Ombre hair. Especially when matched with an ombre dress, shoes, or purse.
• Having different yet detailed scenes or patterns painted on each fingernail, and changing out said scenes more than two times per week.
  (Toenail or fingernail monograms are a sign of Advanced Pinterexia. Seek medical help immediately.)
• Housing more than five burlap and/or chevron projects per room.
• The inability to eat a meal, a sweet, or a saltine cracker without taking a picture of it, then adding three filters in at least two different apps.
  (Note: This may also be a sign of Instagrammia – talk to your doctor to understand the differences.)
• A canvas-mounted photograph larger than two feet wide of your four children all wearing white linen and lying on top of each other in a “sleeping” heap.
• More than five different homemade concoctions for washing your hair, your laundry, your colon, or your Shih Tzu.
• Getting a tattoo just so that you can photograph and pin it.
  (Note: Stage Two Pinterexia can create the need to photograph and pin said tattoo before the redness and swelling subside. Stage Three Pinterexia may compel you to photograph and pin your tattoo before even wiping the the blood away. Although rare, Stage Three Pinterexia is documented, but the images are too violent to share even in a medical setting.)
• Spending over $5,000 on your child’s first birthday party, and/or spending over 72 (wo)man-hours making Pinterest-Ready party favors, cakes, petit fours, kiddie cocktails, and bunting.
• Narrating your morning makeup routine as if you were making a how-to video. Daily.
• Divorcing and marrying the same man again just so that you can create a Post-Pinterest-Age wedding.
  (The early stages of Pinterexia can be detected in the creation of a “If I Were to Get Married Again” Pinterest Board.)
• Addressing your utility bill payments in silver-inked horizontal calligraphy.
• Pinning this post without even reading it.

What causes Pinterexia Nervosa?

• Clearly, the main cause of Pinterexia is prolonged exposure to Pinterest itself. But, like many carcinogens, it is still legal in most states. Petitions are being sent daily to the Surgeon General requesting he review the hazards.
• Pinterest apps, especially when placed on the first page of one’s phone, can greatly enhance the risk of Pinterexia.
• Other people in your family or timeline having a Pinterest Disorder, such as Pinaholism or PCD (Pinterest-Compulsive Disorder.)
• Having a job that requires the gathering of ideas from Pinterest. Contraction of Pinterexia in these cases is nearly 100%. If this sounds like your occupation, make sure that your employee has comprehensive worker’s compensation with a psychiatric umbrella clause.

How is Pinterexia Nervosa Diagnosed?

If your doctor thinks that you may have a Pinterest Disorder, he or she may compare your outfit, hairstyle, house décor, and closet organization to that of a normal person of your age and Natural DIY Tendency. Your doctor may also investigate your children to ensure that no more than 30% of their wardrobe is upcycled from your old clothing and no less than 60% of the items in their bedroom are actually toys and not untouchable art pieces. They may also quiz them to make sure they are aware that fruit does not have to be eaten only in rainbow-order kabob form, that clothing doesn’t grow on trees already monogrammed and smocked, and that crayons are for coloring, not melting.

How is Pinterexia Nervosa Treated?

All people suffering from Pinterexia need treatment. Even if you, your friend, or (heaven forbid) your husband have only a couple of the signs of a Pinterest Disorder, seek professional help immdiately. Early treatment offers the best chance of overcoming Pinterexia.

Treatment will most likely include a deleting of the Pinterest app on all of your devices and contacting your ISP provider to block any attempts at visiting Pinterest’s website. For advanced stages of the disease, blocking of Facebook and Twitter may also be necessary, as certain enabling people tend to double-post their pins to these social networks. In extreme cases, your house may also have to be treated, de-organized, and sanitized from all Pinnable Projects.

One experimental therapy (only available in Mexico) is Normal Life Reentry Therapy (NLRT), where you are forced to wear only solid beiges, blacks and whites, only served ugly foods (goulash and curry are generally recommended with Monkey Bread for dessert), are required to have your kid’s birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese, and are not allowed to be anywhere near mod podge, stencils, balloons, edible paints, scrapbook paper, or the letters D, I, and Y.

What is the prognosis for Pinterexia?

Long-Term recovery from the disease is rare, and when achieved, is typically promptly followed by a relapse when the patient feels the need to pin an infographic on the steps they took to overcome their Pinterexia.

Remember: early detection is crucial. Know the signs. Perform self-checks regularly. And talk to your doctor about any symptoms or concerns.