If Only God Had Expounded.

I think we can all agree that God could have been more detailed.

I mean sure, He wrote the #1 bestseller of all time and it is QUITE voluminous. But there were some items that He could have really made our lives smoother if He’d fleshed out a bit more.

Sprinkle or dunk?

Wafers or bread, grape juice or wine?

If we watch Lady GaGa do embarrassing things while she’s drunk and [nearly] naked then proceed to talk about it, do we get cursed like Noah’s son Ham?

As God, what would you say your personal number of points is when it comes to Calvinism?

Should we stick with hymns or is Chris Tomlin okay? And does that new version of Amazing Grace fall under “hymn” or “Chris Tomlin”? And while we’re at it, why does Chris Tomlin only know how to use three chords?

But besides these ever-crucial issues, I feel like He didn’t really flesh out the whole curse thing.

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Childbirth will be hard, snakes will slither on their bellies (and presumably cease talking), and plants won’t grow as easily. We got that part…but I think there’s more to it. At least to Eve’s portion of the curse – I won’t speak on behalf of Adam or reptiles.

If He had expounded, I think this is how it would have gone.

The whole “Pain of Childbirth” part is not a one-time thing, Eve.

First of all, it starts before childbirth. Pregnancy Glow? That’s another lie from the serpent. You will be a puking peeing crying sweating pimpled bloating cankled beach ball of hormones. FOR MONTHS.

The curse upon your offspring will be one of great distress on a daily basis when they realize that you have to do other things besides play Hello Kitty Bingo or roll Thomas the Train back and forth all day long. This will cause them to gnash their teeth and heave great wails.

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Those precious children will regularly smear your bathroom and their bodies with toothpaste when they seem to be quietly brushing their own teeth. You won’t find all of the toothpaste for days – either in your house or on their person. Make sure you buy them a flavor you don’t mind smelling but not being able to track down.

Naptime will be a greatly hindered blessing. If only you had stayed in the garden, Eve, your babes would have taken four-hour naps, falling asleep immediately, sweetly cooing and never waking up screaming.

However.

The curse upon naps will be a great issue of elusive timing. If you put them down too early, they won’t nap. If you put them down too late, they won’t nap. If you put them down at just the right time but directly following a fun activity, they’ll need too long to unwind and fall asleep so late that their bedtime will then fall under this portion of the curse as well. In fact, there is only a three minute window per day that will provide you the nap you will so desperately crave. And those three minutes change daily.

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Also, you will always be out of underwear for your children. Which means that you will be eternally washing clothes. And as dryers do literally eat underwear and socks, the more you wash the less you will have.

…But you could run a really flourishing Single’s Ministry for Socks.

Potty-Training will haunt you all the days of your life. You will never forget the hellish sensation of cleaning poop out of underwear. Take Heed, my children. Hell is full of poopy underwear.

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Mommy Guilt will besiege you continuously. If you’re doing something else, you’ll feel guilty for not playing with your kids. If you’re playing with the children, you’ll feel guilty for not doing something else. Mommy Guilt might possibly be more agonizing than the pain of childbirth – because at least I semi-repealed that curse and gave you the gift of Epidural.

Speaking of Epidurals, Mommy Competition will also plague your days. Do you cloth diaper or disposable? Did you have a natural childbirth or heavily medicated? Do you make your own baby food or let Gerber do that for you? HOW long did you allow your toddler to have a pacifier?? Motherly Coexistence, especially after the invention of the internet, will be your curse.

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Your progeny will find your glue. And sharpies. And scissors. And will play quieter with those items than any toy you ever buy them.

You will have to bathe your little people. Need I say more? Oh yes – one more thing – some lucky parents will have the extra curse of birthing Bath Poopers.

Your children will be obsessed with a certain food until you buy it in bulk. Then they will refuse to eat it with great screaming.

Your offspring will be overcome with sickness and disease, pain and suffering. Until the moment you step into the doctor’s office or emergency room.

Your progeny will beg for apples, refuse to let you cut them up, and then once they’ve slimed it completely by taking a bite from every angle, will then accusingly demand that you cut up their fruit as you should have done in the first place.

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But don’t worry, Cursed ones – I’ll make them so adorable that you can’t help but love them anyway.

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Most days.

If only Eve had known. Maybe she would have had second thoughts. For our sakes.

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