STOP READING THIS POST.
As much as I adore you all ingesting what I have to say, I cannot with good conscience allow you to read any further before you log onto Zulily and buy something specific. RIGHT NOW.
Because almost every day I get an email from a reader.
“Pardon me, Rachel, but do you have any idea where I can buy an inflatable Alpaca?”
And almost every day I have to answer,
“Why no – I’ve scoured the internet myself and they’re just not out there! I have no idea why.”
BUT NO LONGER DOES THIS GREAT INJUSTICE OF HUMANITY PERSIST.
So make haste – go claim one of those precious jewels that is just waiting to be an Alpaca-shaped container for your hot breath.
Okay – if you’ve secured your shipment, we can continue.
Nothing looks more classy while escorting your inflatable Alpaca than off-the-shoulder plaid.
And if you feel like your tank tops aren’t working hard enough to merit their spot in your wardrobe, then I have found the tank for you.
Thanksgiving wear is also a big deal on Zulily, which is great since I don’t have a single “Thanksgiving Outfitters” store in my city. And if you didn’t have anything to be thankful for already, there is a high supply of Thanksgiving Maternity Wear this year. Because there’s a shortage of punny conversation starters to use with pregnant women around the holidays.
There are so many choices that 2013 pregnant woman will probably feel the need to celebrate both Canadian and American Thanksgiving.
(Don’t tell them they already missed one.)
Also, what pregnant woman doesn’t have a Black Friday Shopping shirt? Because there’s nothing I like better while housing another human beneath my skin than fighting insane hoards of women for cheap DVD players.
And then there are the children. Every mother has this struggle every year – how should I dress the children for Thanksgiving?
Zulily has got your back. And theirs, too.
Dress them just like their Father, Zulily says.
And don’t forget to add that certain spiciness to their hair with The Winner of 2013, Pumpkin.
And then there’s your creepy Great-Uncle-Twice-Removed – he deserves to be outfitted properly, too!
“Hey Kids – pull my gobbler.”
And for the runner in your life, Zulily has a special treat.
It all makes monogrammed pumpkins look so ridiculously ubiquitous in comparison, doesn’t it?
Even combining The Three Most Overhyped Things of our decade – Chevron, Monograms, and Pumpkins – seems like a fantastic idea after Tennishoed-Turkey-Head.
And that’s how they get you, America.
Don’t fall for their Good Zulily, Bad Zulily tactics.
But do buy your brother’s new baby a pair of red hairy leopard shoes. Because there’s no better way to show her that you’re going to be her BEST Aunt.
Also, for the toddler that craves that poopy-diaper-lump look all the time, they’ve got Rosette Bloomers.
But if she wants that lump with REAL style, you must go with this complete outfit, that covers the head and butt, but disturbingly not the rest.
“Perfect for family trips to Las Vegas!”
But don’t worry! Zulily doesn’t just provide ways for your little girl to grow up way too fast – they’re here for your son, too.
(Not to say that I wouldn’t totally put one of those on Noah – if only he’d let me.)
Zulily loves enhancing your life. They have many options, including the bubble butt you’ve always wanted available in options “Boob Butt” and “Long Butt”,
Boobles for up top, and most puzzlingly, hip bubbles.
Because widening Side-Butt is a major desire for so many of us.
And of course, Zulily is ready with stocking stuffers for your husband.
Let’s think this through for a minute.
Zulily does not normally sell men’s items, and so therefore, one can assume that all of the men’s items that are sold on Zulily are bought by women for their man. I may be wrong, and I offer my deepest apologies to the .0001% of Zulily customers that are indeed male. However, if we continue on with my assumption for a minute, then we have to conclude that if any of these were sold, an awkward conversation like this happened at some point,
“Honey, I ordered these for you because I’d really love it if your manhood was more…apparent when we went out to dinner.”
Zulily: Making us all feel violently uncomfortable since 2009.
Speaking of, if you ever wished your eyelashes looked more like cranial piercings, they’ve got that.
And I would like to point out that this ad is for the WIG.
And finally, let’s leave it on a smocked note. Because nothing makes a better catcher’s mitt for pureed peas and carrots than a stark white bib – with embroidery and thousands of carefully crafted germ receptacles.
Thank you, Zulily, for adding more “What the crap?!” to everyone’s holiday season.
Special thanks to Heather and Christen for contributions to this edition of Zulily Finds.
Wow! Do people really buy this stuff?? I haven’t stopped laughing yet. It is all so entertaining and disturbing at the same time.
I would LOVE to see pictures of the people who do. I wish they’d share customer images like on Amazon!
“Here’s Grandma in the Turkey Outfit! Isn’t she spry?”
Oh my goodness!
When I see the models for CRAZY things on Zulilly or in the ads in the “magazine” thing that comes in the Sunday paper, I think to myself: The good news, you got a modeling gig! The bad news, it’s for a red turkey hat/cargo sweatpants/garter tank/polyester elastic waist pants!
I know I couldn’t imagine being photographed for those things, I wonder if they knew ahead of time and how they were able to keep a straight face while doing it? lol
I know, right? Them and the actors in ridiculously humiliating commercials (incontinence, hemorrhoids, and other such frivolities.)
That was BEYOND awesome. Thank you for the laughs today!!!!
Now, Rachel. I couldn’t help but notice that you have 3 (three) items in your basket. Care to share what they are? ;)
hahaha, I saw that too and was wondering ;)
I actually do buy stuff way too often. Since you asked, I put together a collage of my purchases over the last six months, just for you:
1. A dump truck plate for Noah (Christmas)
2. My favorite new dress
3. A superhero cape for Noah, except that his has an N instead of an S (but he still refuses to wear it)
4. A Sticker book for Noah (either for Christmas or to be used out of desperation to get him to behave during school)
5. The most uncomfortable shoes I’ve ever attempted to wear,
6. A sticker book for Ali – part of her “First Day of School” present,
7. 2 Sunday dresses for Ali – she loves being super fancy
8. A multi-colored jacket for Ali from Nepal
9. A pair of Toms for Noah – which will soon be getting a post of its own.
Hahaha. Love it. I have purchased a lot from Zulily in the recent past myself, some of which I have loved and some of it (like some shirts and a cake pop holder) that I didn’t care for. Shoes are always a hard thing to shop for without trying on so I feel you there. Thanks for sharing!
That is crazy! But, because I look at Zulily almost everyday I’m really not surprised. lol. They put the oddest stuff in there and occasionally throw in stuff I actually want or like. Those men’s underwear is ridiculous. I can well imagine THAT conversation between the couple like you imagined it going. Could you imagine being that husband?? :o lol. Thanks for these Zulily posts, they always have me laughing. oh and I totally agree about those three most over-hyped things too.
Wow, I think you had a bit of time on your hands! I looked through all these and tried to find one where I think you were wrong. Nope! You are right on all of them. Don’t you wish you could hear that everyday ? :)
I do!! And Zulily review posts are one of my favorite recurring features, but yes – I do spend too much time browsing Zulily.
The off the shoulder plaid shirt could have been a contender on the Project Runway”Modern Southern Women” challenge. It’s awful.
You are so right. Because we like our plaid SEX-Y down here.
As someone who is overly-blessed in the hip and bum area, I find those padded unders mystifying. But not nearly as much as the turkey costumes. Who wears those things?!? Is there a crazy lady somewhere who’s going to foist those on her unsuspecting family on Thanksgiving Day?
I’ve met plenty of women who wanted more curves on their butt. But I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who wanted more curves on the SIDES of her butt.
There. Are. No. Words.
The padded items are just – awkward…
Once again.. i cried. This was one of the best Zulily posts yet!!! So glad my alpaca made it on- i still cant imagine what ANYONE would want with an inflatable alpaca.. but… i guess someone has to want them… right?? Thanks for the shout out and link to our blog! So glad I found this little slice of humor that I get to enjoy, even from all the way over here!
An inflatable Alpaca is something you’d sneak into someone’s dorm room when they’re asleep and place two inches from their face. So there is that…
Not kidding, I saw someone wearing one of those turkey hats yesterday. I had stopped at a stop sign downtown during lunch, and he crossed the street in front of me. My phone was in my purse, so I didn’t have enough time to get it out and take a picture.
I do hope it was in irony. But even wearing one in irony is questionable.
Reading this in class and trying not to chuckle too much. This is fantastic. Oh my goodness. I need one of those Alpacas!
I want an alpaca! Okay, I want a real one, and I need the land to put it on, but still….
I would also buy that beard beanie for my nephew as a joke – if it wasn’t quite expensive and needing to shipped from America… maybe I can find something similar on Etsy…
You really can find anything you are looking for online lol
Those are awesome! And I love how the Las Vegas baby outfit said “Only 8 left”! So apparently they are “in”. I have not let myself buy ANYTHING from Zulily for the last three months and then I saw their big sale yesterday and I just spent over $100. It’s all or nothing for me! Now for another Zulily fast….
I shared this post with my husband and he thought of one good reason to purchase those male enhancement boxer-briefs. To give as a gag for your friend’s bridal shower. “This is just a little way to say I’ve seen your fiance, and well, I think this will help out your marriage……..at least while in public”. Isn’t embarrassing your friend one of the sole purposes of throwing a bridal shower? (my friends sure seemed to think so)
This post should be entitled “Top Reasons I DO NOT SHOP Zulliy”!! OMGEEEZZZ!!!