January 2007 – Acquired first subject, female, a screamer. Survived eight months of aural infliction, finding my groove somewhere in late 2007.
December 2010 – Added a secondary subject, male, a epidural killer. Birthing him hacked five years off the end of my life, but I chose perseverance.
None. Or at least none that applies – Accounting degrees don’t do much for properly handling temper tantrums or planning feeding schedules. Why don’t they have a major in Motherhood?
Skills and Job Titles:
Pediatric Bowel Management – Can track at least two children’s fecal status to ensure that no medication or other assistance is needed. Upon realizing that it is possible that a child hasn’t pooped in seven days, does not balk at the prospect of calling a babysitter to ask if said child pooped while they were there four days ago.
Children’s Chemist – Can mix a batch of Miralax with Precision and efficiency.
Sippy Cup Sommelier – Can convincingly sell any beverage, with or without medication.
“This extra-chilled blend has a robust flavor of 100% apple juice and is only cut by a small portion of fresh spring water. What? Medicine mixed in? Definitely not!!”
Nasal Janitor – Can handily retract mucous and phlegm from the sinus cavities of an infant or child, and does not gag when observing the retracted product.
Dental Extraction Specialist – Takes on the challenge of pulling a loose tooth with the fervor of popping a ripe zit. Prefers an agreeable subject, but can work with any situation up to and including a kicking biter.
Magic Eight Ball – Can answer dozens of ridiculous questions from children with convincing certainty.
“If we don’t pull my tooth tonight will I swallow it?”
“Signs point to yes.”
“Why do red and blue make purple?”
“Reply hazy try again.”
“Will Jesus come back before I have to go to college?”
“Cannot predict now.”
“Why is that man wearing a red shirt?”
“You may rely on it.”
Serial No Sayer – No Saying Skills top out at 85 npm with very few misspeaks.
Experimental Biologist – Has successfully diagnosed and treated numerous and insatiably nasty stomach bugs, The Grandparent Effect, poor appetites, fever-induced-sleeplessness, tomato sauce allergies, and teething irritability.
Seasoned Pitch Man – Can convincingly sell children on eating mashed cauliflower, going to the dentist, shopping for Mommy, and that the chocolate hidden in the pantry is not suitable for children.
Affirmation Specialist – Can sincerely compliment a page of scribble (“Oh what a lovely rose garden!”), bad spelling, a heart cut-out that looks like a lung, and clothing combinations so dissonant that even Lady Gaga would gasp.
– Having the opportunity to sip my coffee on the porch swing every morning before having to say a single word, read a book (not out loud and not Dr, Seuss), and get a haircut.
– That I won’t completely screw up my kids.
– More quiet. And more sleep.
You couldn’t begin to afford me.
What would be on your résumé?