Mom Resume

Job History:

January 2007 – Acquired first subject, female, a screamer. Survived eight months of aural infliction, finding my groove somewhere in late 2007.

December 2010 – Added a secondary subject, male, a epidural killer. Birthing him hacked five years off the end of my life, but I chose perseverance.



None. Or at least none that applies – Accounting degrees don’t do much for properly handling temper tantrums or planning feeding schedules. Why don’t they have a major in Motherhood?


Skills and Job Titles:

Pediatric Bowel Management – Can track at least two children’s fecal status to ensure that no medication or other assistance is needed. Upon realizing that it is possible that a child hasn’t pooped in seven days, does not balk at the prospect of calling a babysitter to ask if said child pooped while they were there four days ago.

Related Tasks:

      Children’s Chemist – Can mix a batch of Miralax with Precision and efficiency.

      Sippy Cup Sommelier – Can convincingly sell any beverage, with or without medication.

“This extra-chilled blend has a robust flavor of 100% apple juice and is only cut by a small portion of fresh spring water. What? Medicine mixed in? Definitely not!!”

Nasal Janitor – Can handily retract mucous and phlegm from the sinus cavities of an infant or child, and does not gag when observing the retracted product.

Dental Extraction Specialist – Takes on the challenge of pulling a loose tooth with the fervor of popping a ripe zit. Prefers an agreeable subject, but can work with any situation up to and including a kicking biter.

Magic Eight Ball – Can answer dozens of ridiculous questions from children with convincing certainty.

“If we don’t pull my tooth tonight will I swallow it?”
“Signs point to yes.”

“Why do red and blue make purple?”
“Reply hazy try again.”

“Will Jesus come back before I have to go to college?”
“Cannot predict now.”

“Why is that man wearing a red shirt?”
“You may rely on it.” 

Serial No Sayer – No Saying Skills top out at 85 npm with very few misspeaks.

Experimental Biologist – Has successfully diagnosed and treated numerous and insatiably nasty stomach bugs, The Grandparent Effect, poor appetites, fever-induced-sleeplessness, tomato sauce allergies, and teething irritability.

Seasoned Pitch Man – Can convincingly sell children on eating mashed cauliflower, going to the dentist, shopping for Mommy, and that the chocolate hidden in the pantry is not suitable for children.

Affirmation Specialist – Can sincerely compliment a page of scribble (“Oh what a lovely rose garden!”), bad spelling, a heart cut-out that looks like a lung, and clothing combinations so dissonant that even Lady Gaga would gasp.


Career Aspirations:

– Quiet

– Sleep

– Having the opportunity to sip my coffee on the porch swing every morning before having to say a single word, read a book (not out loud and not Dr, Seuss), and get a haircut.

– That I won’t completely screw up my kids.

– More quiet. And more sleep.


Salary Requirements:

You couldn’t begin to afford me.

What would be on your résumé?

22 thoughts on “The Résumé of Motherhood.

  1. Circus Performer – Can successfully hip hold a crying 16 month old while juggling sippy cups and bowls of cheerios all while preparing an eggs and grits breakfast for an older sibling.

  2. The “college” I went to for 2 years actually has not only a motherhood class, but an entire degree devoted to marriage and motherhood. Somehow I don’t think they covered quite the scintillating subjects you mentioned, though. ;)

  3. What is it with little kids and not pooping? I never knew this was a thing until my close work friend had kids. She is forever having to give someone fiber gummies or a laxative. Although now that I think about it, my 5-year-old niece seems to live on chicken nuggets and M&Ms, which is probably not very conducive to regularity.

  4. I have some crazy mad Dad skills:

    Certified Hamster Wrangler.

    Master of the off-kilter ponytail (daughter only)

    Chief Bacon-cooker


    Activities Director

    We also still use Miralax occasionally. I can eyeball a tsp accurately without even paying attention. It’s uncanny.

    1. I have to admit that I read (most) of your hamster adventures while stuck on the interstate in Atlanta traffic last Friday. So I’m pretty sure that was illegal. But it was totally worth it.

  5. Having 3, I have can relate to all of this. Our first got karo syrup in every bottle for a year to insure pooping. She also only received boiled water in all bottles.
    By the time we got to number 3 she was lucky if we wiped a paci off.
    Too funny, don’t use my accounting degree much either.

  6. Not only are my husband and I experts at removing nose mucus with the bulb syringe, BUT, also sucking said mucus out with our mouths. (Yes, we are the idiots that take our 3mo old baby backpacking without a bulb syringe, and she woke up screaming and couldn’t breathe in the middle of the 2nd night. You use what you got.)

  7. Motherhood is the toughest job of all. And it forces you to venture into territories you didn’t even imagine could handle, in my case crafts. You have to become semi crafty once you have kids, they need school projects, costumes and so on.

  8. I can turn one frozen pizza into enough to feed the five thousand. I can also pick laundry up off the floor with my feet while carrying a baby.

    Salarary: Room, board, wine, health insurance.
    Benefits: occasional uninterrupted bath

  9. My Specialties:
    I can have a child poop in my hand and not gag.
    I can crochet, talk on the phone, break up a fight, and eat at the same time.
    I am really good at getting those crusty boogers out that will not come out with the bulb syringe – the secret is the pinky fingernail.
    Word manipulation: Figured out how to get a child to drink milk over apple juice- you just call it “Moo moo juice’. OK, OK, that was my hubby’s claim to fame!

    I’m sure any mother could write a book. I would like to see one just on the places our children have peed/pooped besides the toilet.

  10. I wanted to say something about your post about Ali as a new-newish baby. I had a super similar problem with my Son as well! We had him on reflux meds because we thought he had silent reflux (it helped a little), but he cried and cried and cried ALL THE TIME and he was constantly wanting to eat and I was constantly feeding him. Up until the point where I started supplementing with formula around 5 months old. At which point he became one of THE happiest babies ever (and also finally slept through the night!). It was like night and day. And pretty soon my sad supply dropped to less than an ounce when I tried to pump. And my sweet baby boy went to strictly bottles at 6 months old and loved it. Talk about feeling like a horrible person and Mama. I STILL feel bad about how my sweet and happy gonna-be-one-next-week baby had to be so unhappy for so long and I feel like it was my fault for my body not making enough food for my baby. I feel like everyone says your body produces enough and I just know that’s not true. I probably would have wanted to do serious harm to the woman that said you were starving your child (like that’s what you WANTED to do). So a big shout out on being an awesome Mama and going with what you needed to do and what worked :)

    1. I totally feel your pain – it’s a terrible feeling to realize afterwards that you could have done something about it! But I certainly didn’t make the same mistake on my second baby, so at least he benefitted from my ignorance!!

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