Thoroughly Shirking my Duties.

Motherhood To-Do List


The job of Mom is an infinite scroll of large and tiny responsibilities. Once I’ve fed them, hydrated them, schooled them, broken up fights, bathed them (semi-periodically), read to them, rocked them (not with real rocks, my Dad always reminds me), changed diapers, and allowed them to sit mindlessly in front of Dora the Explorer while I mentally check out to recover for a second, I cannot possibly remember all of the little details of my job description.

Here are the top ten duties that I most often let lapse.

10. I totally forget about clipping my kid’s fingernails until they start looking like an Emerald Dragon’s Talons out of Mystic Warlords of Ka’a. The act of cutting Noah’s nails is similar to breaking a Young Mongolian Wildebeest, and Ali’s were much more convenient before I convinced her to quit chewing them off. What was I thinking??

9. Toddler teeth. I’ve got nighttime brushing down pat (most days), but I sincerely hope that some shoemaker somewhere has donated his elves to my family and they come in every morning just to brush Noah’s teeth.

8. I find sweeping up crumbs under the table to be a worthless endeavor, seeing as how they regenerate three times a day. And anyway, eventually the toddler gets hungry enough to take care of them himself.

7. Sheets. I’m supposed to change my kid’s sheets? I mean, the toddler’s get changed when his diaper overfills and fountains out. But the kid’s? She’s totally changing her own once a week…right? Maybe the elves are taking care of that, also.

…Or I could go with the Hordes of Angry Stuffed Animals defense. There are 157 of them that would attack and smother me if I attempted their relocation to exhume the sheets.

6. The brushing of hair. Noah’s magically returns to the same position no matter what happens to it, but Ali screams like scorpions are eating her toes off if I try to brush her hair. We prefer the trendy waif look anyway.

5. Teaching my second child. By this point, Ali not only knew her alphabet and sounds, but she knew all of her states. Noah knows a few letters. And that’s only due to the beautiful law of osmosis.

4. Wearing actual clothing on days that we don’t leave the house. Then the question begs, if you’re getting the children ready for bed and they’re still in pajamas, do you change them into new pajamas or not?

(Only if there are breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snot stains on their sleeves.)

3. Clean Kid Rooms. Seriously? Do you not know how fast a child’s infinite possessions can re-convene themselves in the middle of the floor?

2. Sorting, properly packing, selling, and/or handing down kid’s clothes in a timely fashion. Sad but true fact – Noah has an entire dresser full of clothes that are too small for him – I simply started putting wearable clothes on his closet shelves.

1. Ear wax. Twice a year or so I remember that my kids have THAT orifice that requires cleaning, too. And my retrieval results in enough ear wax to be mistaken for a Pumpkin Pie.

I’m positive that my performance review will not be pretty. How about yours?