My current Twitter profile picture is breaking two of my most fundamental rules and core values of existence – or at least for the existence of my profile pictures.

1. It’s a Selfie.

2. I took it with my iPhone.

Upon emptying my phone of it’s memories not too long ago, I found the discards of that self-photoshoot. Discards which painfully reminded me why I need to continue to have such legalistic rules against selfies: because of my complete dweebishness of carrying out the process, my sad lacking in the skill of “knowing my angles,” and the fact that I have been the reigning Miss Unphotogenic America for nearly two decades.

(I earned my title in Junior High, when I could hold up my Tiara solely on my eyebrows, much like a bowl of cereal propped upon a pregnant woman’s belly.)

So. The selfies.

It all started on a day when it was unseasonably warm and I found myself lying in the sun. As I laid there, I was struck with a vision for an artsy photo of myself.

But, being the self-conscious person that I am, didn’t have the guts to ask my husband to take it.

But I couldn’t escape the vision.

So I attempted it myself. The following is the evidence created by such attempts.

Too Shadowy.


Too Yardy.


Too Booby.


Too Constipationy.


Too I-Have-a-Thirty-Pound-Baby-Laying-On-My-Stomachy.


Too Squinty. And Army. Must avoid the self-photo look.


WAY too Army. And yes. That’s a flower in my hair. Thank you, Ali.


Too Attacky.


Too Dead.


Too Soap-Opera-Dramatically Dead.


Too Bad-Dreamy.


Nearly The Vision. Except that The Vision didn’t include wrinkles.


So I added a dozen filters. And cropped a wrinkle or two.


(Yes. Still slightly dead. But dead in an artsy Showtime Drama way.)

I dream of a world where everyone has to share their selfie-outtakes.

17 thoughts on “The Ugly Truth: Evolution of a Photo.

  1. Well crap. I always delete those. I know to keep them now and will definitely send you a link when I remember next time.
    Great post!

  2. I love this post! I am convinced that I have the power to break a camera sometimes. I go through a million shots before I find one that is acceptable. My photographer husband even tells me “don’t look like that” during photo shoots :)

  3. My selfies are always to army or too booby. That’s why I have very few if them on my blog. I think I’ll just stick with taking pictures of my cats. :)

  4. Thank you for being human, like the rest of us…. When I’m a grown up, I’m going to hire a photographer to be available at my beck and call, so that anytime I think to myself, “I look unusually good today,” or “I’d really like pictures of this party with me in them,” or “I wanna show my mom a picture of my house, but everytime I take one it looks like a cave.” And when I’m super extra grown up, I’ll get one for you too… deal? However, I’m confident that until then, you’ll be just fine. I love the final product.

    1. Also – do you have the issue where you look flippin’ awesome when you look in the mirror, but then when captured with a camera, like a witch who forgot her makeup? I don’t understand – why can’t I get a camera that takes pictures of the “mirror me”??

  5. Your selfies might not have captured your vision perfectly, but your skin looks lovely. :-) I have a no-selfie policy, too, mostly because mine are always horrible. Occasionally I will send one to my sister so she can give me hair or fashion advice, and she always comments on the awful faces I make.

  6. Lol! This is why I only take pictures of my kids. Any pictures I attempt to take of myself can only end in heartache. :) I do love your finished product though!

  7. you ended up with a great edited photo! the others were hilarious :) my sister-in-law has the selfie down. i can never do it. at least there were no duck lips…

  8. Oh my.. hilarity once again. Good job pushing through and getting what you were mostly aiming for. You’re awesome.

  9. Hahaha….I was wondering how you created that picture. I naturally assumed Chris took it.

    I actually had snapchat for a little while but deleted it because I hated taking selfies.

  10. I really love this post-such courage! I cant stand the selfies where my friends of the younger variety post a pic of themselves in their bathroom mirror every time they put on a new outfit or do something different to their hair, or pluck their eyebrows into a different shape perhaps just to not-so-subtly fish for compliments. Oh, and wow-there are some faces you make in these where I see a spitting image of Noah! I haven’t seen the resemblance until now! My selfies are always too chiny. Ick.

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