Can’t Buy Me Love.

My bank may put a freeze on my accounts for reposting this, but I just HAVE to. 

Because Chris got a personalized thank you note in the mail last week.  From a female teller.  Thanking him for his business.

Fortunately for me, when I originally posted this, my commenters informed me of these elusive collectible postcards, so no worry was had. 

But wow.

Originally Posted September 29, 2011

The CEO of my bank is a Tween Girl.

She is sitting at the top of her skyscraper downtown in her pink bedazzled office suite, chewing Bubble Yum, flipping through her Justice catalog, painting her nails a fabulous shade of Purple Me Tender, and talking on her jewel-cased iPhone.

“I know, like, right?? He is SOOO fetch. Oh – and girl, we have GOT to get together with Jordin and McKenna and do one of those all-jumping-in-the-air-at-the-same-time photos – ya know??? It would just be, like, SQUEE!!!”

I came to this conclusion due to the nature of my deposit receipts.

It started a couple of years ago, when, I presume, the Traditional Old Bald Male CEO must have handed off his reigns to his granddaughter.

At first, I thought the oddity was just due to a bizarre teller.

I drove to the drive-thru, slid my deposit into the drawer, and then received my standard green and white receipt back – except this time it had a personal note on it.

Written in large, curly cursive,

Um. What?

Is she…hitting on me??

I know that I come to the bank a lot… but LOVE???

All of a sudden, I felt an awkward haze between Mandy and I. I half expected to discover that she had also coated my receipt in a Romilda Vane-esque love potion, sure to send me into a romantic day dream about holding hands through the drive-thru drawer.

But then on my next visit, I received a similar declaration of affection from a different teller.

Then another,

and another.

And it was then that I realized: This was no coincidence. Nor was this just a Bored Teller Time Filler – this was a declaration from the top. They have been commanded to do this in a legitimate corporate memo somewhere.

To All Employees Carrying out Teller Duties:

Effective immediately, please notate a revision in your employee handbook under Section 11 Chapter J subsection 37 stating that all receipts are to be personally signed in a font of the female persuasion and declaring great feelings of affection toward the customer.

A few months into this apparent corporate guideline, the “love” usage seemed to fade out, but they continued to lavish upon me girly, curly, and quite odd notes, considering the professional nature of the business transaction that was occurring.

But the love was most definitely and quite conspicuously missing. I could only assume that an alignment to protocol had been made.

To All Employees Carrying out Teller Duties:

Please make an adjustment in your routine to discontinue the usage of the word “love” when carrying out your duties prescribed in Section 11 Chapter J subsection 37 – we seem to be confusing certain customers unnecessarily, and some tellers are reporting an uncomfortable increase in phone number requests from male clientele. However, please continue writing a thanks and a signature in the aforementioned font of the female persuasion.

I began to find myself desiring to collect these receipts like trading cards, and desperately wished that I had saved some of the early vintage notes that housed such great affection toward me.

But even without the love, they still held an odd fascination for me.

Ooh look! I’ve got two Whitneys! One’s even in pink – surely that makes it worth more??

And OH!! The Elusive Male Teller signature!!! How refreshing and un-curly-cued. I wonder if he’ll get a bad review for his lack of flair??

Oh, speaking of flair – look at Heather!! She added a smiley!!

And does that one say ENJOY LIFE???? That’s almost better than love there – it’s gotta be a rare find for sure.

OOOH – look at her. Curly to the max, but it’s a stamp. Personally, I deduct points for using a stamp. It’s a sign of laziness.

And this dude – “Mr. Alex”?!?!? on a stamp?!? Who gets a stamp made saying Mr. anything these days??? What kind of banker do you think you are – Mr. Potter??

And Brittney – wow. Might want to try a narrower point marker, honey…

Oh! Oh! Oh!! An Elusive Vintage Heart!!! I feel loved and adored again!!!

…but she didn’t sign her name.

(sigh)

…But the true jewel of my collection would be if I could get ahold of just one of our Tween CEO’s emails. I bet they are written in pink Curlz font, 32 points big, and with dancing kittens in the background.

meow, meow, meow.

Love,

Rachel.