Interview With The Couch.

Rachel: Thank you for sitting down with me today for the purposes of this interview, couch.

Couch: Is it really considered “sitting down with you” when you’re sitting on me?

Rachel: You know what I mean.  Thanks anyway.  Clearly, you and I have met many times, and some other people may be familiar with you as well since you make many appearances on Facebook.  But for the purposes of the rest of my readers, can you introduce yourself?

Couch: I’d be glad to.  I’m a leather and suede couch, ottoman, and love seat grouping that resides at the house of Rachel’s brother’s family.

I started out life in a furniture showroom, both elegant and beautiful, with the guarantee of a fulfilling life ahead of me.

Interview With The Couch

The brochures promised me a pristine environment, one where I would be the centerpiece of a quiet, calm, model home.

Interview 2

Five years ago, a young couple came to my showroom.  They looked around with a spark of excitement in their eyes – I knew that they were furnishing their first home.

Aaaah, young love.  There’s nothing a couch enjoys more.

Much like Corduroy the Bear, I SO hoped they would pick me.  I just knew that I could add to their many years of quiet cuddling and romantic evenings.

When they pointed to me, my synthetic polyester stuffing jumped with joy!  I was going to get my brochure destiny after all.

We started our life together blissfully – it was just as I hoped it would be.  A beautiful home, a giant television, and the opportunity for me to offer many opportunities of rest and relaxation to my owners.

However, I’m the sensitive type, and it didn’t take me long to realize that the female owner was getting a little heavier every time she sat upon me.

A few months later, I realized why.

Couch

He was a nice enough baby, and now I got to enjoy a greater pleasure: long hours of being the chosen place of cuddling with their new bundle.

Sure, he screamed sometimes.  But he didn’t make messes – except for baby puke, but that’s fairly easy to wipe off of my high quality suede seat.

But then.  My life changed.

Rachel:  How so?

Couch:  Well, as it turned out, this new member of the family seemed to have an uncontainable artistic streak.

Eli Artist

Rachel:  Yes, yes indeed.  But how did this effect you, exactly?

Couch:  Apparently, he felt that I needed a bit more design than my factory specifications offered.  And he decided that he was the man to offer those missing aesthetics.

Rachel:  I see.  And what medium did he use to implement these necessities?

Couch:  Sharpie.

Rachel:  Sharpie?  What mother would leave Sharpies in reach of an artistically bent child?

Couch:  Did I mention that he was also a very agile climber?  He could scale an eight foot bookshelf in 30 seconds flat.

Rachel:  How did he know the Sharpies were at the top of an eight foot bookshelf??

Couch:  Ah.  That IS the mystery, no?  Perhaps a very keen sense of smell as well.

Rachel:  Well, at any rate, how exactly did he use these Sharpies?

Couch:  He covered us.  All of us.

Rachel:  Oh MY.  Sharpies are Permanent, aren’t they?

Couch:  Not as permanent as they used to be.  Magic Erasers truly are magic.  But it took no small amount of effort on the lady of the house’s part, let me assure you.

Rachel:  Well, I’m sure you were relieved when you got back to normal.

Couch:  That’s the thing.  Normal never returned.  Somehow, he multiplied.  Very quickly.

Eli Tessa Andi

Rachel:  Oh, but they’re so fantastically adorable!!

Couch:  Adorable, yes.  But Artists, the whole lot of them.

Rachel:  So what happened next?

Couch:  The middle girl.  She had a thing for mixed media.  Especially in the form of an entire makeup bag.

Rachel:  I’m afraid to ask.  But was lipstick included?

Couch:  And mascara.

And not soon after, the original artist tried to recreate his work – this time with a green Sharpie.
IMG_3404

Rachel:  But you weren’t always the victim of his masterpieces, right?

Couch:  True.  It was the window and sill (and his hair) that received The Great Fingernail Polishing of 2011.

Eli Fingernail Polish

Rachel:  And after all, none of your damage was permanent.  For that you can be thankful!

Couch: Well…

Rachel:  Uh Oh…

Couch:  There was the Steak Knife.

Rachel:  No…

Couch:  Yes – tiny pricks were made in my Love Seat.

Rachel:  How did he get steak knives??

Couch:  You know that Bible Verse that says, (paraphrased,) “Nothing is out of His reach?”, well this kid has some similarities with Jesus.

Rachel:  Well, Jesus did like drawing in the sand…

Couch (abruptly changing the subject): And then there was The Great Pee.

Rachel:  Go on…

Couch:  The middle one.  She was potty training.  And she decided to allow me to take part in that fun stage of human development.

Which was fine – I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been exposed to toddler bodily fluids in the past.  The pee itself was rather blasé – a pitiful attempt at shocking my past-shock self.

IMG_3398

Rachel:  So why is it mentionable?

Couch:  Well, when the lady of the house scrambled to clean me up, she thought she had grabbed the anti-urine-smell stuff.

But right after she dumped it all over me, she realized that in her haste, she had grabbed the bleach.

IMG_3397

Rachel:  I bet you don’t smell like pee.

Couch:  Indeed.

Rachel:  So is that all?

Couch:  It was – until a couple of weeks ago.  When The Original Artist decided to return to his work with the steak knives, except this time, much older and wiser in the ways.

And with ten knives.

IMG_3402

Rachel:  Wow.  Well there you go.  So I guess you’re wishing you had been picked by another family, huh?

Couch:  No way!

Rachel:  What?  Why not?

Couch:  Job Security!  I have more than any model-home-couch ever dreamed of having.  Until the last one goes to college in 2028, they don’t DARE replace me.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. You really have a knack Rachel for telling a story. When’s the book come out?

  2. This is why my husband and I have kept the old second-hand loveseats we had in college. When our youngest is old enough, (whenever we decide what that age will be, since he’s 4 months now) we will buy an actual couch for our family of six.

    Great story-telling!

  3. Our couch is looking hole-y and ratty and I desperately want a new one…but maybe later.

  4. This post made me laugh! It makes me feel a little bit better for my couch (that used to be very comfortable) that has been jumped and walked on by all 4 of our little ones. Poor couch, you just kind of sink into the couch now. We thought about crating another couch back next time we go to America, but we’ve decided against that until the kids are older. I guess there is such things as “couch security.”

  5. Oh how I love these posts where you think… “Well at least my child hasn’t done that yet…” emphasis on the YET… then it makes you dread the future! There should be a place that sells couches especially for the toddler- teen years that are made out of steel or something or where you could trade it in for an exact replica (no questions asked) at any time during said years!

  6. I thought I was the only one. My children have done the exact same thing to our sofa…sharpies, stickers, stamps, knives, pee! Luckily, ours was a hand-me-down to begin with so I didn’t freak out as much as I would have otherwise.

    • That makes me feel so much better! My only reservation in letting Rachel post this (I’m her sis-in-law) was that people would think “OMG! My kids would never EVER do anything like that. Those parents must be HORRIBLE!” It’s comforting to know my kids aren’t alone in the universe ;).

    • Stickers and Stamps! That’s some creative decorating.

  7. Hilarious! And perfectly timed. We have been discussing a new couch. T wants to wait for these exact reasons and I keep thinking the girls really aren’t THAT messy, what could happen? Well you answered that question! You officially swung me over to his point of view. We’ll wait a few more years! And now the applesauce stain on our couch doesnt look so bad.

    • This is what slipcovers are for. They’re washable, they’re much cheaper to replace than a couch. In theory they can prevent the damage from actually happening to the couch. In practice, they nicely cover the damage that has already occurred. :)

    • You just never know how creative and artistic your new one will be…

  8. Dawn dishsoap scrubs half a bottle of baby sunscreen off a couch quite nicely. Also – the cleaner they give you when you buy a 7 year protection warranty works so well on black ink pen – you don’t really need the warranty. If a mom made up the rules – the cleaner would be “sold separately”!

  9. Leanna Thompson says:

    This is one of the reasons we have never bought a new couch. Another reason is my hubby is the youngest of 4 and we get all the hand me downs but one thing I have bought many of is Surefit slipcovers here is their website:

    http://www.surefit.net/?sfafid=1667&SR=sr3_171470746_go&gclid=CNW7nuS40bICFYdxQgodzlwA8A

    They make an old couch look so much better and if your style changes or if yours differs from your relatives it is only $100 or so to change.

    • Although I’m typically against slipcovers, Surefit does have nicer ones than most – we got one of these for a chair and ottoman – it works well!

  10. oh my word! talk about mischief! i hope mine never do that! famous last words. i guess my middle one has markered our couch a couple times. and yeah, you’re so good at making a story. if i had tried it, it would have been a lot less funny. :)

  11. Kitty Engle says:

    What a great post. As we say in the south, Bless Lindsay’s heart.

  12. I have a 6 month old (first baby) and was considering buying a new couch today….until I saw this post :)

  13. Melanie Miller says:

    Ohmyword. They’ve got some creative kids! They have got their hands full. But seriously cute kids. That’s the only reason we still have our dog, ’cause she’s cute. She has destroyed more plants and trees in the backyard…even ate the strings of Christmas lights the first year. I still wonder why her insides aren’t ripped to shreds after picking up piles of dog poop with sections of wire and broken bulbs in it. Cuteness saved the pooch many times.
    Rachel, you are a great story teller.

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