So.  Noah and I went back to Michael’s last week.

First of all, let me say that I’m really becoming endeared to Michael’s Lady, Queen of The Awkwardly Intense Busybody Club herself.

In fact, her preposterous comments are really actually making me want to go to Michael’s MORE often, just to see what she’ll scold me about next.  Maybe she’s some sort of twisted marketing experiment and I’m totally falling for it, but I’m beginning to enjoy her bizarrely offensive ways enough to make me want to purchase extraneous crafting paraphernalia for the opportunity to exchange unpleasantries with her.

Also, I’ve gotten to hear some awesome stories from other lucky people who have had the unique pleasure of encountering her.  One friend shared,

“I believe she had something to say about my girls carrying their loveys….and I made a comment about how “they love them to death”.  She told me I should say ‘love them to pieces – to death isn’t nice.’”

…because loving someone or something to rips and shreds is so much nicer than just loving them to death.

Anyway.  Noah and I went in the other night.  We walked up to pay for our purchases, and there was Michael’s Lady, in all of her glory.

Except that she was FURIOUS.

She was unloading on a co-worker, complaining about how their boss was treating them and she was quite aggrieved about the fact that he was going to get a bonus because of it.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that she repeated, in elevating decibels, the sentence,

“And he’s going to get a BONUS because of it!!!  AND HE’S GOING TO GET A BONUS BECAUSE OF IT!!!”

at least ten times.

She looked up and saw me waiting patiently.  She threw in one more “AND HE’S GOING TO GET A BONUS BECAUSE OF IT!!!!” to the co-worker before releasing a gigantic cleansing sigh and announcing regally, “OKAY.  I can take you on this register!”

I loaded my items onto the counter, greatly anticipating her examining my parenting and unearthing hidden flaws.

I didn’t have to wait long.

“Oh, why does that baby have a paci in his mouth???  He can’t talk to me when he has a paci in his mouth!!!”

“He’s sleepy.”

“Well, he doesn’t need a pacifier.”

She handed me the customer survey that printed out with my receipt.  “Be sure and take this survey about your shopping experience – there’s a sweepstakes with it, and I would really love for one of my customers to win!!”

I chuckled to myself about what all I could write about my shopping experiences.

“Oh, and take that paci out of his mouth!!”

Just to play along, (and wanting to see where it would lead,) I obeyed.

I pulled his plug and Noah immediately smiled at her with a big, open-mouthed, adorably charming grin.

She literally recoiled, horrified.

“Oh, GRACIOUS!!! That baby doesn’t have any teeth!!! How old is he???”

“Um, almost nine months.”

“And he doesn’t have any teeth yet?!?!”


I signed my receipt and began walking toward the doors, thinking of all the people I knew whose babies didn’t teethe until they were over a year old, and fantasizing about how disgusted she would be at their offspring.

Apparently, I walked away too quickly for her.  So naturally, she followed me.  She came out from behind her register and began chasing me out the door.

“Do you have any other people in your family that were late teethers???”

“Well, my daughter didn’t get teeth until she was nine months old.”

“Oh.  Well that makes sense.  I hear that sort of behavior runs in families…”

And then the sliding doors mercifully closed behind me and my disturbingly toothless baby.

…who apparently got a complex from the encounter.

Because, guess who woke up yesterday morning, the morning of his nine month birthday, with a spontaneous growth of not one, but TWO teeth?!

(Well, they’re not big enough to see in blog-sized photos just yet, but I promise – they’re there.)

Obviously, Michael’s Lady isn’t just making an impact on me.

And, since I know Michael’s Lady has been lying awake in bed nightly completely and absolutely emotionally wrecked at the thought of my baby NEVER GROWING ANY TEETH AND HAVING TO GUM HIS FOOD FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, I’m thinking I should take him back in and show her – you know, just to ease her mind.

…and to hear her chastise me for making my poor baby leave the house when he was teething, cruel and heartless mother that I am.

28 thoughts on “Breaking News: Baby Bends to Peer Pressure From the AIBC.

  1. How did I miss those little teeth yesterday? I’m not as observant as I think I am! Precious. I just might have to make a jaunt to Michael’s this week. I was going to go while E is at school, but now…now I want him with me. I wonder what all I am doing catastrophically wrong that needs pointing out.

    1. Oh PLEASE get E to play along and give him a paci to put in his mouth, a blanket to carry, and push him in a stroller!! And maybe a well-timed fit right at the register would go nicely as well – whaddya say???

  2. The Micheal’s Lady? is becoming one of my favorite characters in this to be novel. You are a bad mother for not forcing those teeth out in some inhumane manner.

  3. Oh the humanity!

    …And WHY should your 9 month old not use a paci?

    I wish I had taken my son in when he was 4 months old. He had 3 teeth and couldn’t even sit up on his own. I’m sure she would have something to say about that!

    1. I’ve heard the same thing. Chris has unnaturally healthy teeth (and mine are quite the opposite) so I’m hoping this trend of late teething means that they got his teeth.

  4. Way to go Noah…you show “that” Michael’s lady! These stories make me laugh…I am surprised that she is still there but maybe everyone looks forward to what she might say (like you) that they keep going back too. I don’t think I ever encountered her when I lived there in B’ham.

  5. That sounds exactly like something I would do – go in just to get some entertainment! I really hope she doesn’t decide to quit because of her Bonus Boss, because I love these posts to death… er.. I mean, pieces… or… whatever. BTW – Landon’s two bottom teeth appeared overnight as well – sharp little boogers and yes, pretty much transparent.

  6. Oh Rachel – thank heavens that you have this kind soul to guide you; left to your own devices, you’d have a couple of paci gumming toothless miscreants. I mean, really! Did you not know that your baby needed teeth?!

    (And thank goodness that someone obviously took Ali aside ages ago to let her know about the tooth thing as well. She might have had to wait until you ran into the Michaels wise-woman to eat solid food.)

  7. My husband tells me that people who get their teeth later and keep their baby teeth longer have healthier teeth and less cavaties. Needless to say, he didn’t get his first tooth until he was over a year old and didn’t loose his last baby tooth until well into college. And his brother had three baby teeth pulled when he went into the army.

    I have an overwhelming urge to relate this to your Michael’s Lady, since even I consider it freakish and I married the guy. I also now have to inform my husband that it is not a freak of his biology, but actually naughty tooth behavior that obviously DOES run in the family, and scold him accordingly.

    Mwahaha. Thank you Michael’s Lady.

  8. Seriously??? I want to meet this lady. Crazy! Like, how old are we talking? Grandma? Lady w/o kids?? Ugh. Bless your soul for continuing to deal w/ her.

    1. From prior conversations, I’ve learned that she has a son in college. Not sure about other offspring, but I do feel sorry for her future daughter-in-law, if he can ever convince a girl to marry him without meeting his mother first.

  9. Oh. My. Word. That lady is crazy! Whenever I hear about someone like that I think, oh my goodness am I glad that they are not in my family! Can you imagine trying to live with someone like that?? Crazy.

    But congratulations to Noah on the two teeth! And congratulations on winning the biggest most beautiful blue eyes in the country award as well. Oh wait. That’s not an award? Well if it was he would definitely win! What a beautiful baby. Love it.

    1. Seriously – I know she has a son in college, and all I can think about is her poor future daughter-in-law. Can you imagine all the advice she’s going to have?? Phew.

      And thanks!! I love his eyes, too.

  10. I am glad you are enjoying her unique personality. I kinda wish I wasn’t on the other side of the country so I could check her out.

    My girl didn’t have teeth till closer to one too…I think it’s pretty normal. :) And good for nursing moms too…

    1. Yes!! His new teeth buds are not friendly to Mama. Every time I nurse him, I’m having visions of calling 911 and having a nipple replacement surgery.

  11. Oh my, I wonder what she’d have said if she saw my son a few months ago at almost 5 still sucking his thumb! Or if she knew how embarrassingly long I’d nursed my daughter! I love that you’ve made a joke about it. On a bad day that witchy lady could make a stressed out mama cry. And which Micheal’s is this? The one by the Galleria?
    (And btw, that is one beautiful baby you have – especially with that gorgeous gummy smile!)

  12. Haha. I was going to say that I was taught in dental school that can be perfectly normal and if your daughter didn’t start teething until 9 months, girls are usually ahead of the boys, so don’t be concerned if he’s even a little later than that. I agree with you about the lady. There’s a sign on pinterest for women like that. “She’s crazy, and just when you think you’ve gotten to the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.”

  13. Hilarious story! She would have a field day with Maggie: non-teething, pacifer sucking, and helmet wearing 8 month old. I spent about 10 seconds contemplating finding this Michaels lady; I am little curious. Great job dealing with her. So when is the next episode? Guess this marketing strategy is working!

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