When Google is Your Best Friend.

When it comes to Google, I’m starting to realize that I’m horribly rude to him.

I don’t make nice conversation, or ask him questions in full sentences.  I just treat him like a non-sentient being, type in the most relevant search terms, and hope for the best.

However, every time I look at my Google Analytics (the stats that show what people are searching for to reach my blog), I realize that I am in the minority.

People actually talk to Google.  They converse with him.  The seem to have a relationship with him.  And they ask him the strangest questions.

They ask Google questions of reassurance…

(Bolded quotes are actual search terms that people have used recently and somehow ended up on my blog – all spelling left “as is”, by the way.)

“I think I’m not intelligent. How can I know for sure?” – Well, asking Google that question might be a pretty good indicator…

“what would happen if someone ate a toenail cliping?” – Bad breath would probably be the first symptom…

They ask Google questions of odd endearment…

“would you marry me?” – Google WOULD make a pretty knowledgeable spouse…you’d never have to ask for directions ever again.

They ask Google MANY questions regarding health…

“why i dont poopl for few days?” – Now I feel totally inadequate that I’ve never poopled in my life…

“should i go to emergency room for sleepwalking?” – Only if you slice your hand open trying to keep your phantom baby from falling down the stairs…like “someone” I knew…

“what’s in copelands vegetable toot toot?” – Whatever it is, I bet it might make you poopl.

“i have a diagonal dent down the center of my butt cheek. how to get rid of it?” – Quit sitting on diagonal objects.

“is it ok for baby poo to squirt long distance?” – I wish it weren’t.  If only they had a drug to prevent that… Nonsquirtamile, maybe

“why do i have a long square butt?” – Perhaps because you live in a coconut under the sea?

“does chuck e cheese have germs?” – If you have to ask that question, I don’t think Chuck E Cheese means what you think it means.

They ask Google questions of fashion…

“why my husband looks so cute .. in every wheree ??” – Because a wheree is just a great fashion accessory – makes anyone look cute.

“when did tinkerbell become such a skank?” – I really wasn’t aware that she was.  Perhaps she’s been hanging around other Disney Stars too much?

“what is worse whale tail or muffin top?” – A Muffin, topped with Whale Tail.  The combination is deadly.

“when do you start wearing mom jeans and playing bingo?” – I had no idea this was a requirement.  I shall begin dreading it now.

“is the picture a bent elbow or a butt crack?” – Look for arm hair. On second thought, that might not necessarily be the perfect way to tell the difference…

“is vera bradley ugly?” – I don’t know – I’ve never seen a picture of her.  But I bet she is head to toe in multi-colored paisley…

“can you where smock dresses until puberty?” – No.  Because no boy wants to be dressed in a smocked John-John right when his voice decides to change.  Also, Junior High football teams have a habit of making fun of uniforms that someone’s mom retrofitted with smock. Try to cut off all smock dressage right before the possible onset of puberty.

“has anyone ever told you you look like a helen?” – I doubt they have. Nor has anyone ever told Google that he looks like a Bing.

And they ask Google the deepest sorts of questions about life.

“what kind of snakes like breast milk? – Why don’t you offer yours to a few and let me know the results? Sounds like an awesome investigatory blog post to me…

“if a is my sweater and b is my big toe and c is my shorts what is d?” – The real question is, why are you wearing a sweater with shorts?

“whats the difference between boys and girls when changing diapers?” – Even Ali can answer that one.  There’s this little “circle thingy” right in the middle…

“what is objectivity? if i say i see a flower and you say it’s just a chocolate wrapper, why should i believe your “objective” opinion? after all, you’re in my mind too.” – Umm…I got nothin’.

“how to cook meth?” – You’re not going to find the answer on my blog, but the guy that asked the previous question sounds like he may be able to help you…

“why is there a duck coming out of the frog’s butt on the carousel?” – The Frog Duck Butt isn’t there to ask why, but to simply appreciate that it IS.

“how to know if my baby is burning?” – If, perhaps, they’re sitting on the eye of a stove.  Or you’re letting them play with a flat iron or blow torch, possibly.

“what does it mean that daddy is the lion of your skirt?” – I thought the fact that Ali said that was weird enough – but the apparent reality that there are TWO weirdo kids out there?  The world is a scary place.

“how long after making kitty litter cake must it be served?” – If you’re serving Kitty Litter Cake, you can be assured that it will definitely go bad before people have the stomach to finish it.  I know first hand that it only gets grosser looking, so I recommend just giving it to your cat to really poo in and call it a day.

“how long can a newborn diaper wait?” – They seem like quiet, patient items to me…

But the Google Searches that can be most pondersome are the ones where people tell Google things… as if to convince themselves of the truth of the matter.

“i don’t poop i’m a princess.” – That’s what all us women say, honey.

“im pregnant with chiggers” – Yes, but do you know who the Daddy is?

“i saw mom’s big deep wide navel.” – And now you know what yours will look like one day.  That’s even more scary, isn’t it?

I bet Mister Google loves his job.