I went through a phase of blogging where I was writing a bunch of disgusting posts.

That phase was called Diapers and Pottytraining.

Then, as that delightful stage of life came to an end, my posts quit being so gaggable.

And really, so did my life.

But yesterday, we had A Moment.

(Insert ominous-FOX-voice-overdub saying “Reader Discretion is Advised” here – you may quit reading if you’re not a fan of disgusting posts.)

Ali and I were in the car. The place that all out-of-control grossness seems to take place…

We pulled out of the driveway and headed for gymnastics. I heard Ali sneeze in the backseat. It sounded a bit more gurgly than normal, so I stopped at the stop sign, felt the back of my head for shrapnel, and looked back.

Sure enough, a big, nasty wad of snot was hanging out on her lip. She seemed oddly unphased by her new friend. So I wiped her up, looked around for more, found none, so kept on our journey.

No more sneezes from her, no complaints from her, no reason to worry.

We get to Gymnastics 20 minutes later.

I go around to the backseat to de-harness her, and as I reach in the backseat, I feel like I’ve just stuck my hand directly into Jabba The Hut.

I pull back, and my arm looks like a giant slug.

Surely I’ve just somehow managed to be transported back to the 80’s and have stuck my hand right into the middle of an episode of You Can’t Do That On Television….surely.



I start investigating the crime scene.

Everything is covered in a thick layer of snot.

It was as if a very large zoo animal – a camel, perhaps – or maybe a hippopotamus with extreme flu-like symptoms – had been in the backseat with Ali and had sneezed repetitively at a point-blank range.

There had to be some explanation. This carnage was absolutely not humanly possible from ONE sneeze.

I started counting surfaces affected….

1. Her Leapster computer.

2. Her Leotard.

3. Both sides of the carseat buckle.

4. Her right leg.

5. Her left leg.

6. Her right arm.

7. The ENTIRE length of her left arm.

8. The carseat.

9. And now, me.

“Mommy, I’m yucky.”

Ya think, kid?!?!?

Of course, seeing as how I thought we were OUT of the disgusting phase of childhood, I had no wet wipes in the car.

So I began to mop of the goo as best as I could with kleenex, rubbing her poor arm red in the attempt to separate it from it’s thick layer of mucous, all while leaving a trail of torn tissue in my wake – because no kleenex could stand up to this sort of ZooMucus.

I finally get her dry enough to remove her from her slimy vat formerly known as a carseat, take her into the bathroom, and properly sanitize myself. Oh – and her.

Then start considering trading in my car.

I still haven’t found that camel in the backseat, but I KNOW it’s gotta be in there…that or Jabba himself.

19 thoughts on “An Original Spin on the Traditional Blowout.

  1. You were so correct, but I have to read all your blogs. I was nearlly gagging but would not stop reading. Poor baby must have had a snot back-up.

  2. Oh my poor you, I always have wipes in the car even though I don't have children. You never know when you might need them, and it has saved me when my nephew had a blowout.

    I would never have thought one little sneeze could do so much damage. I would have ran to the nearest restroom.

  3. I'm sorry. That is one post that is gross and funny at the same time. I couldn't help but laugh, you tell a mighty (gross) story.

  4. You may have moved out of the baby wipes phase, but you are ALL UP IN the antibacterial wipes phase. Act accordingly. ;)

  5. I still keep a package of wipes in the car. You just never know! Sorry the snot monster from Bedtime Stories came to live in your car. Too bad. That is almost as bad as the 12 gallon peach/apricot projectile vomiting incident of 2005. Those were the days.

  6. No matter how old they get ALWAYS have wipes in the car. Today I my 12, 10, and 3 year old all used them. If I don't have them for some reason (ran out or someone borrowed them) I will need them. The only way to guarantee you won't need them is to have them in the car at all times. :)

  7. And you didn't even gag? Your morning sickness must be gone, gone, gone! You're a good mama! Wouldn't it be cool if we could hose out our cars and houses? With steam? Maybe a tad of bleach? Just thinking.

  8. Hahahaha, yuck! Although I can't say it fazed me too bad since I am right in the middle of the blowout/spitup phase again. :) Both of my kids have been snot making machines the last 10 days so I am well aquainted with just how much they can produce. S likes to bury her face in my shoulder and shake it side to side…consequently, I've been going around with VERY crusty shirts for the past 10 days!

    P.S. Love Greg's comment. Too funny. :)

  9. Oh. my. . . that is SOOOO funny . . . I'm just cracking up laughing . . you have such a way with words!!

    ZOO MUCUS!!! Love it!

  10. I've been out of the loop for a while, but you never disappoint. I've come back to reading blogs & this is one of the 1st of yours I read! LOL Love it!

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