I sorted through all of my maternity clothes a while ago. It brought back fond memories, I-can’t-believe-I-was-that-huge memories, and I-don’t-know-if-I-can-stomach-to-wear-that-one-more-time memories.

And then I got to my jeans.

Holy Maternity Cow.

The Mom Jeans Factor of the jeans I wore for my entire pregnancy with Ali was OFF THE CHARTS.

I wore those?!?

Those pockets?!?


The horror.

The embarrassment.

The shame.

My number one goal in life immediately became the finding and obtaining of Non-Mom-Maternity-Jeans…

(After burning said Momternity Jeans, of course.)

…which, finding Non-Mom-Maternity-Jeans is a bit of an oxymoron, seeing as how Jeans can’t get much more “Mommish” than jeans made to house Mom AND baby. But I was determined.

I set out immediately in search. But the road was long, and fraught with failures.

For one, I didn’t have a bump yet. And if there was one thing I learned when I was pregnant with Ali, it was The Maternity Truth: you won’t wear anything that you buy pre-bump, because it will certainly look horrid on your bumped body.

But my drive to find Non-Mom jeans was strong, probably as a vain attempt to somehow right the denim wrongs I committed in the past, so I kept at it.

My second obstacle was that apparently, all types of Maternity waistbands have been discontinued except for the apparent Holy Grail of Waistbands, the Secret Fit Belly, or what should be titled, The Waistband That Could Double as a Bra AND Scarf:Huge Secret Fit Belly
And, although apparently everyone can appreciate such but me, I have two major problems with the Secret Fit:

1. I don’t want my waistband covering my Boobs. Comfort it is NOT.

2. There is no actual waistband, so there’s nothing to hold up these “Secret Fit” jeans (maybe that’s the secret), coupled with the fact that a pregnant belly works like the force of a bowling ball pushing the pants down even further, which creates a “Pants On The Ground” moment every time I walk down stairs, bend over, or just take a medium-to-large-stride.

And personally, I don’t like it when I hear people humming “Pants on the Ground” every time me and my belly walk by.

I WANTED a waistband like these:

Belly Band Jeans

But couldn’t find any.

Or, shall I say, couldn’t find any that didn’t have a Mom Jeans Factor of under 50%.

So, I settled.

I finally found two pairs of decisively non-Mom-Jeans, unfortunately with their Stinkin’ Secret Fit, but the salesladies assured me that when I had, in fact, a bowling ball, said bowling ball would work to my FAVOR and help the pants stay up, not push them down.

We’ll see.

Until then, I’ll be wearing my normal jeans, with the help of rubber-bands-around-the-button.

Which means when I actually DO get to the point of needing my maternity jeans, they’ll probably look horrid. Because of The Maternity Truth and all.

But one thing I was proud of myself for: in all my desperate searches, I avoided the temptation to buy designer maternity jeans.

You see, despite my recurring bad luck with them, I have become a bit of a Designer Jeans Addict – but only because I can often find them for 80% off on clearance at Belk. But the comfort AND flatterability level of designer jeans (such as Seven for All Mankind and Citizens of Humanity) is just SO high that I actually considered getting maternity ones, despite the fact that they cannot EVER be found at 80% off.


I was browsing through them wistfully when I stumbled onto this nightmare of a pair, provided by Citizens of Humanity for the Oh-The-Humanity price of $210.00:

If the MODEL looks that lumpy in them, I can only shiver at the thought of which angle I would rip right out of the seams of those jeans.

Seriously – as IF us pregnant ladies need ANY help looking like we’re fitting a fifty pound sack of potatoes in a ten pound sack.

And it was at that moment I realized: I could absolutely not support such atrocities against Pregnantkind, even if it meant Momternity Jeans for the rest of my life.

(Thank goodness it doesn’t, because I don’t think I really mean that.)

28 thoughts on “The Ultimate Mom Jeans Battle: Momternity Jeans.

  1. Bless your heart! In a few months, you'll be like me and not give a hoot what you look like or what you're wearing. Well, maybe not because you're always cute. It's so dang hot that the only place I wear jeans is to church. I'm living in dresses because they are so comfortable. Now, if you could only help me figure out a way to keep my thighs from starting a fire from their friction….

  2. I am LOLing at Rachel's comment, as I too am sticking to the dresses and skirts for the most part. So true about the thigh issue as well.

    I hate shopping for maternity clothes and jeans are the worst! Not many places offer petite maternity pants/jeans. What's a pregnant short girl to do? The whole S, M, or L is crap, too!

  3. Well, I definitely think you need a pair of those stilettos to wear with your skinny maternity jeggings. They're all the rage for pregnant women with toddlers. Whaaaa? Really? Ick, ick, ick. I'm totally stealing your rubber band trick. And no, I'm not pregnant. I just like to cook. And eat. I'm sure you'll look cute in anything you choose. Pregnant women always look good.

  4. See, the problem is, the most comfortable thing in the world to me are jeans… dresses make me awkward. But you two ladies are probably right…

  5. You can cut up your old jeans and turn them into maternity jeans. There's plenty of sites online that will tell you how. There is even a website http://www.belly-jeans.com/ that does it for you, for those who can't sew or have a four year old Monster who has managed to destroy two sewing machines in four months time- both of whom belonged to said person's mother. (Sorry, mom.)

  6. Yes, you will end up loving the secret fit belly. I folded mine down until my belly was big enough to use all of that fabric (and I probably could have used some more by the end!).

  7. I'm definitely expecting a post or twitter update in your bowling ball future rescinding your comments about the secrit fit. It's wonderful…

  8. I agree with Barkley. I absolutely loved the secret fit belly when I got big. I found I needed that huge swath of fabric over my stomach to give it support and make it feel like my belly would not explode! They stayed on me much much better than the bands that sit low on the waist. Though that might be because my belly was ridiculously low (everyone thought it was a boy and it was).

  9. Rachel…I agree with the PRO secret fit. I too had some jeans from my first pregnancy and they had the super wide waist band that rode under the belly…perfect for the early stages of the bump…nightmare once I was bowling ball sized. The secret fit helped with support, and there were no annoying lines to see right there at the equator of the belly when you are wearing a snug shirt. Good luck!

  10. Why don't they have the narrow/below the belly waistbands anymore?? Those were awesome! I had two pairs of very not-mom-jeans ones WITH cute pockets. I've already passed them on or I'd give them to you. What is this world coming to?

  11. Oh yeah, I'm right there with you. Maternity jeans are the worst. I only wear mine at home right now. If I have to go out in publici ts a rubber band and a Bella band to cover it. I really need to get some pants before that trick won't work any more ;). Oh, and I have some cute ones with the skinny band and they are great until the last month or two. Then they no longer stay up!!

  12. oh BLECH at the secret fit. I couldn't stand a THING to be tight and touching my belly. What happen to normal maternity waistbands?! I bought my first pair of non-mom maternity jeans two pregnancies ago and this last go around my gramma had to patch them up to make them last. I'm holding out hope that they'll magically repair themselves before #3 comes along. oh the shopping nightmare of maternity jeans! you are braver than I!! :)

  13. "holy maternity cow"!!!! I'm still laughing. I'll laugh all night over that one! Oh – and Rachel's comment! (I guess it's only funny because I can totally relate!)

  14. Great timing for me. I am headed out this weekend to find some maternity jeans that don't fall down. Right now, I have some Old Navy capri jeans with the waist band that you like, but I still have to use a Bella Band to keep them up. Got to love that in between stage.

  15. OK, those Citizen jeans are just bad. If I ever saw you in those I would have to call you out! We need to see a pic when you finally get big enough for your maternity jeans!

  16. Ooooohhhh…good luck! I bought three or four pairs of jeans during my first pregnancy. Only one was decent and flattering and CUTE. The others were very very poor choices, grabbed in desperation. I should just not have grabbed them. I ended up wearing the one pair that was good, over and over again.

    During my second pregnancy, I just refused to wear anything that wasn't awesome. (And I wore that one pair of jeans that I loved, over and over again!) That meant I wore the same clothes kind of frequently, but hey…it was just my four-year-old seeing me, most days.

    Non-awesome clothes are just not worth it!

    OH! And when I started LOOKING for some additional pairs of jeans, all I could find was that blasted Secret Fit Belly waist. Suck a total crock! I never got any pants like that to stay up without cinching them with safety pins along the top edge. I don't know who they're made for, but it wasn't me! The Awesome Jeans That I Wore Through Two Pregnancies had a stretchy belly area with a drawstring at the top edge. Untie to pull your pants down, tie again (up above the bump) when you pull them up. Easy peasy.

  17. Honestly, the jeans with the smaller elastic band (that you wanted) SUCKED! I had two pair and had to constantly pull at them to keep them up. Maybe my belly stuck out a little farther than normal or something, cuz they never looked like what the models pants look like. I LOVED the all over belly panel. Very comfy over the bowling ball.

  18. I have to admit I, too, like the secret fit belly. *grin* But I also live in Massachusetts where we have cold wather 9 months of the year, so I am sure that helped with comfort factor.

    And true confession time — I wore them for a long time after the baby was born for the spanks like action they did for my poor deflated belly. >.<

  19. 1. You should get a pair of maternity designer jeans just not those uggo ones. Consider it an investment! I mean you'll probably be pregnant again and 9 months is a LONG time. You could probably get a deal on Ebay and the local classifieds.
    2. Bella Band. Worked fantastic until my legs got to fat for my normal pants. And you can fold it in half cause I hate stuff on my stomach.
    3. I was ecstatic when I found some "maternity" Jolt jeans in the JUNIOR section (which is wrong on so many levels) at Nordstrom that had a lowrise lounge waist. I know Jolt is selling these same "maternity" shorts and they are on sale for $15 now.

    Good luck! It's hard being cute while dressing a HOUSE. ha ha

  20. I am wearing the secret fit one's right now and they are by far the most comfortable jeans I have ever worn. I just fold the massive belly cover down. And shirts cover it so it's all good. I figure I might enjoy the belly cover come colder weather! and they won't cover your boobs…promise!

  21. This summer the most comfortable thing for me was a cotton skirt. I looked like a pregnant hippy that was carrying twins…but I was comfortable. :) Good luck!

  22. I've got jeans coming out the wazoo… of course since it's 150 degrees every day this summer. I've only just brought myself to wear a pair this past weekend when it cooled off mercifully… I just need some decent maternity shorts!

  23. I so know what you mean about looking at maternity clothes from a previous pregnancy and wandering what in the world was I thinking wearing these hideous clothes! The maternity pants I wore with Luke were awful!

    I can NOT believe that ANY pregnant woman would even think about trying to squeeze into that last pair of "jeans"!

  24. I might be alone in this…but oh my word I LOVED the secret panel jeans. And they stayed up on me (don’t tell me it’s ‘cuz I’m skinny–the week my son was born I weighed in at 223, and I’m all boob as it is O.o;;)

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