The Holiday Shopping (Un)Guide.

I’m sure that all of you have recently received at least one copy of this catalog:

Yes, yes. It’s overwhelming, full of millions of things costing billions of dollars, all important items that your kids Need!!! Right!!!! Now!!!!

So, I decided to help you out and make your toy buying decisions a little easier. I have pored over the book (hence the wrinkles in the cover) to categorize and suggest gifts for your individual needs.

It’s okay, no thank you notes are necessary (but, like all of the guilt-inducing tip jars at restaurants with no wait-staff that you’re wondering exactly what you’d be tipping them FOR, they’re “appreciated.”)

First of all, let’s start with the baby dolls. There are baby dolls for every specific little girl.

If you have a very political-correctness-sensitive child, then this is the baby doll for her. Toys R Us obviously paid thousands of dollars to some lawyer somewhere to come up with this description:

“Fully articulated with appropriate ethnic details” – what the heck?!

I guess they were advised not to use their first draft, “You can choose from the white baby or the baby with slanty eyes!”

Anyway. If your child is not into racial differences, but more into the things that Ali is into, such as POO, (or, if you feel like you just don’t get to change enough dirty diapers each day as it is), then the Whoopsie Doo baby is definitely the one for you:

I know that these have been around for a while, and I still can’t FATHOM what brilliant person thought that the world needed a DOLL that POOPED.

For the H1N1 conscious child, then definitely buy her Baby Ah-Choo:

Yes, she even comes with her own thermometer. I wonder where you stick it? I know where Ali would think it went…

The final two doll choices are for those more “alternatively minded” parents.

If you want your child to understand what dolls look like when they are tripping on LSD, then these “Explorer Girls” are for you:

Seriously. Quit staring at me. You’re freaking me out.

Or, if you want to skip the stuffing and just give your child SKELETON DOLLS, then there’s a choice for you as well! Introducing, Skelanimals!

Tell me THAT wouldn’t scare you in the middle of the night in a dark hallway…

Okay, so we’ve covered the doll buying guide. Let’s move on to the gift to give the child that you really want to contract brain disease. There are a couple of great toys on the market for that this year:

You have the classic “Use the Force” motif, where the kid is hooked up to electrodes that use their brainwaves to move things,

Or, the game from that Star Trek episode that sucked everyone in and made them robots, again hooking your kid’s brain up to the game:Thank goodness that Wesley Crusher had the guts to save the day and rescue everyone from that mind-crushing game.

(Yes, I might be a recovering Trekkie. What of it?)

Okay. So I know what you’re wondering. Are there any gifts out there that can prepare my child to use websites such as E-Harmony and Match.com?

Why yes! I’m glad you asked! You need to buy them Facechipz: “Collectible friendship tokens with unique online codes that kids trade to create an online community!!!”

It’s E-Harmony Junior! They’ll be ready for the online dating world by fourth grade!

Another gift that goes perfectly with their Match.comChipz is this one:
…because it’s always good to foster secrecy and drama in girls, starting at age six. That way, you’ll be set up for the tween stage to be ALL that it can be!

Now, let’s move on to boy toys for a bit. I know after seeing those scary Explorer girl dolls, you’re hoping there’s some druggie boy stuff out there this year too.

Well don’t worry – no need to be disappointed! Because whoever came up with this toy/movie name HAD to have been high: …because Revenge of the Bumblebee would have been too boring on it’s own.

Every year, the first question that parents ask is, “What toy can I get my kid this year that will annoy me all year long with it’s stupid, recorded, repeated phrases?”

Well, I’m here to deliver. If you’re wanting to be on the edge of insanity all year by a talking toy, then I definitely recommend Wisecracking Spider-Man:…because “Who’s your favorite webslinger” is SUCH a funny wisecrack.

For those who are more interested in your children hiding in the back of the closet because they’re so scared of their toys, then Screature is definitely for you:

“uses sensors to sense and attack PREY”?!?!?! Notice that prey is not included. So guess what Screature is going to think his prey is?

Uh-huh.

“Turn Christmas morning at YOUR house into the horrors of Jurassic Park!!!”

But don’t worry. You can get a toy that will serve two functions: it will allow your family to fight Screature off, AND teach your children how to be terrorists, all for just $39.99!!

Be sure to buy one the companion DVDs, Al-Qaeda in America, Using Militia to Change Your Country, or The Ethical Use of Bombing and Attacks to accompany their training tool.

If you’re a bit more of a Pacifist and want to simply make sure that your child buys into the hyper-branding of American culture, then I definitely recommend The Home Depot Power Tools Workshop:

Perfect for instilling manly values AND brand awareness, starting at age three!

Speaking of three-year-olds, they can be a bit explosive. So if you are feeling the need to contain them, then buy them a cage, cleverly disguised as a trampoline:

Now. If your greatest desire is for your children to grow up and be featured on such shows as “The Real Housewives of (your town)” or “Entourage”, then you DEFINITELY must get them one of these:

But don’t worry – you don’t have to sacrifice your environmentalist ethics or compromise their green education to do so: They made sure to specify that these aren’t just normal Escalades, they are HYBRID Escalades!

You were so blinded by the pricetag that you didn’t notice the Hybrid part, eh?

Well, if that’s not enough to spend on your precious, then you can double it and get them a toy that can most definitely propel them farther and faster than any five year old should travel:

Yeah. Wow.

And finally, the MOST useless thing in the catalog – the only thing that I can’t think of ANYONE who could profit from (except maybe the kid who deserves switches and ashes in their stocking):

Let me get this straight: You’re selling Barn Animals and accessories, but the barn animals and farm equipment (i.e. accessories) are sold separately and, therefore, not included?

So. . . .I’m paying for what, exactly?

Well, that’s the Holiday Buying Guide – my hope is that ALL of you have been able to finish your Christmas list by the end of this post!