IHateMyTeeth. IHateMyTeeth. IHateMyTeeth. IHateMyTeeth.

How old do I have to be to trade all of my teeth in for some fakes? Although my Grandmother used to thoroughly freak me out (and make me a bit jealous of her mysterious talents) when she would pop her teeth in and out to impress us grandkids, this stuff never looked so good as it does now:


So. I had ANOTHER root canal yesterday. That would make five.

I’m pretty sure I’ve broken the Guinness Book of World Records for number of fillings and root canals for a twenty-seven year old.

And yes, my dentist called it a rooty-tooty. Again. Which compels me to communicate:

Dear Dr. G:

You’re a great dentist, and I really like you (although I’m not really impressed with how you sell yourself to women by promoting your, um, “attractiveness” on huge billboards and mall advertisements.)

BUT making a root canal sound like candy does NOT make it fun and tasty like candy. It just makes me wish I were eating candy rather than being shot in the ROOF OF MY MOUTH and my cheek, drilled, stuffed, cauterized, filled, and in general tortured by you.

(Then again, maybe my desire to eat candy is where all of these problems originated from anyway.)

And now that I think about it, your whole torture chamber motif kinda takes away from the whole attractiveness thing that you’re going for on all your fancy-shmancy signage. Just sayin’.


Your Fully Rootified and Tootified Patient, Rachel

I feel better now.

Besides the rooty-tooty fun itself, other things that made this dental visit “shpeshul” included:

X-Ray tech comes in to take an x-ray.

“Upper left side, correct?”


Then she proceeds to x-ray my upper RIGHT side. By the time I realize what she is doing, she has my mouth crammed full of x-ray-cut-your-mouth-open-if-you-move-“but-oh-can-you-please-bite-down-a-bit-harder?”-sharp-and-cruel-objects.

She takes said incorrect x-ray, and then I timidly say (worried that she had just used some new backwards x-ray –technology and I was going to look like that obnoxious know-it-all yet WRONG patient), ‘”Umm, wasn’t that the wrong side?”

”No – you said left, right?”

”Yeah…but that was my right side…”

”No it wasn’t..that was your………….OHMYGOODNESS!!! I haven’t done that in two years!! I’m so sorry!!!”

She then commences my second dose of x-ray-cut-your-mouth-open-if-you-move-“but-oh-can-you-please-bite-down-a-bit-harder?”-sharp-and-cruel-object torture.

After my lovely rooty-tooty was all fresh n’ fruity, my dentist gave me my prescriptions, including pain meds. I told him that I couldn’t take them without puking, and would he mind prescribing me some Phenergan to go with?

“Sure, but what CAN you take without it? I’ll just prescribe you that instead!”

“Uh, nothing. It all makes me puke. I promise.”


But apparently, his usual Phenergan brand name was discontinued, so he went behind the reception area to look up a new one.

A minute later, he calls out happily, “Hey, would you like that in a suppository?”

”Um, NO.

(Dentist-ey giggles ensue from the back room)

It’s good to know that between his rooty-tooty vocabulary and his potty-ish sense of humor, my Dentist is beating the odds of his profession’s rate of depression.

And that just makes me feel rooty-tooty.

22 thoughts on “Sold As Is: No Returns or Exchanges on This Post.

  1. Girl, I would be finding me a new dentist! I would not be able to stand a super-cheerful dentist. And how about those super-cheerful dental hygienest who always want to talk to you while your mouth is numb or full of goo?

  2. I think my hubbie could give you a run for your money in the Rootie Tootie race. We practically have the dentist on speed dial.

    His teeth are like Tori Spelling; pretty on the outside, and completely hollow and shallow on the inside!

    I hope you are feeling better today!

  3. Ouch! Your dentist is not the Gonzalez guy all over the billboards in town is he? I thought I knew someone who had lots of trouble with their teeth. Close race but I think you might have just surpassed them.

  4. Ugh. As if going to the dentist isn't bad enough, you get one who is working on his clown routine. Ugh.

    At least he's "pretty."

  5. Michele, Mama Hen, and Lianne: For the record, I really do appreciate his humor and happiness – it really does make it a bit more light-hearted. I guess it reminds me a little about my own quest to write about the humor in the everyday. Of course, his humor is in my pain, but still…I like it.

    April: Yes :) I was trying to keep his name out of it just in case he was one of those egotistical people that googles himself periodically, but hey – hopefully he has just as good of a sense of humor about reading about himself as he does causing others pain, right?

    Amy W: Ha! That is a perfect analogy. Love it!

    Kate: Thanks!!! I am feeling a lot better already today.

  6. Judging by your description of him and his billboards, I think I have guessed who your dentist is! I always see those billboards and think of Dr 90210 :P

  7. Oh my gosh, I went to him once to have a filling done! I CANNOT STAND the billboards he puts all over town…drives me nuts!:)

    First of all, I cannot believe he calls it a "rooty tooty". Second of all, I cannot believe you have had to have so many. You poor thing. I thought my teeth were bad but I have never had a root canal, just fillings. So sorry!

  8. Wow. I've got 3 root canals, and thought that I won the record, but I see you have surpassed me. Hope you are feeling better today and not puking! :)

  9. I am sorry you are having so much trouble with your teeth. I have to say your dentist must have a very strange sense of humor.

    The next time I am in Birmingham I will have to look for his billboards now I am curious about a dentist who calls a root canal a rooty tooty.

  10. When I read the first line of the post I was like, what is so wrong with her teeth, they look fine to me. But now I get it… lol

    Stop it! Did he really call it a rooty tooty? Oh my what a total dork lol

    Now you got me wondering where you go…. LOL

  11. Haha, he sounds WAY too happy to be a dentist…although the town we moved to has a dentist who is the most postive, cheerful, sliding-on-rainbows guy I've ever met. I haven't been to him yet but my husband has and says he is like that at work too (we go to church with him). I still don't think all that happiness will help my dentophobia though! Hope you are feeling better!

  12. I feel your pain girl! I have had so much work I wish I had dentures too and I think I'm well on my way to acheiving 'em. lol

  13. Oh my! I hate that about your teeth. Bless your heart too that pain medicine makes you throw up. I hope this is the last one!

  14. Bless your heart – I'm so sorry!! I can't STAND going to the dentist.. it's definitely a phobia of mine! Something about having someone all up in my mouth with drills and stuff freaks me OUT!! I had to have 1 root canal and it's definitely not fun.. and I'm the exact same way with pain meds.. they all make me throw up! I hope you're not feeling too bad!

  15. Sorry about all the painful dental work you've had at such a young age, maybe the older you get the less cavities/root canals you'll get :)

    At least you have all your teeth…I have these re-occuring nightmares about loosing several of my front teeth and not being able to get them replaced/fixed…so I walk around partially toothless!

  16. If you have been "tootified" is that the same kind of toot Ali talks about which would not be in your mouth, I hope. I am with mama hen, I am not real sure about this dentist. Of course I am always leary of the guys that advertise on billboards and such. What is this with your teeth, they look great.

  17. oh i hate having x-rays taken of my mouth. so sorry you're having teeth trouble. hope it is feeling better.

  18. I'm going for my first root canal next week. Since I puke over any sensitive stomach meds, I'll have to just tough it out, thanks for the warning! Hope you are feeling cheeky again soon.

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