28. If you are sharing a hotel room with multiple roommates and all roommates are handing out different company’s swag, don’t think you accidentally entered a mini-warehouse instead of your hotel room upon arrival.
27. However, those same roommates may make fun of you if you talk in your sleep.
26. Especially if you talk about web page design.
25. Trying to bowl like a professional will not help your score be any more professional.
24. If trying to slide your leg like a professional, you will trip and fall if you simply emulate the RIGHT-HANDED person next to you and you’re actually LEFT-HANDED.
23. If word gets out that there is a bowling event full of women from out of town, it will draw out of the woodwork leering men who say they were sent there by the Mexican Tourism Board to learn about blogging. They will invade your bowling game. And they MIGHT even have business cards.
22. Business cards are cheap these days. Don’t believe them.
21. “Swag” does not necessarily constitute great free stuff. It actually means “Lots of stuff that will take up a whole suitcase and make your walk through the airport that much clumsier, and when unpacked, will clutter up your house and you won’t know where to put it all.”
20. However, it is a KID’S paradise.
19. A bag made out of a T-Shirt is quite impractical. Ever tried putting things in and taking things out of a neckhole?
18. The only piece of swag that you will use while at BlogHer is the First Aid kit of Band-Aids.
17. Fairies aren’t always “fairies”, if ya know what I mean.
16. Everyone has at least one fan. And wow it makes the heart feel good when ONE person in a conference of 1,500 finds you on the last night right before you’re about to head up to bed and is excited to see you.
Thank you for making me feel very nearly important, Caitlin!
15. One way to get TWO pictures of yourself in the top 23 photos taken by a photographer at a party called “Mommy Needs a Cocktail” is to be the one of the only ones in attendance NOT having a cocktail.
14. However, your picture might look awkwardly sober compared to everyone else’s.
13. If your husband says “those shoes look horribly uncomfortable”, then he’s probably right. Even if they felt perfectly fine in the store. Especially after making 59 laps around a cocktail party looking for a familiar (or just friendly) face.
12. The Riverwalk in Chicago is sticky if you walk it barefoot due to uncomfortable shoes.
11. Uncomfortable shoes are just made tighter and more uncomfortable with the addition of band-aids from a swag first aid kit.
10. One of the most fun things you can do in a Little Black Dress is play Wii.
8. According to all six humor panelists in the Humor Seminar, one of the funniest sounds in the human language is a very foul curse word. And to be really and truly funny, you must use it liberally.
(I hope you don’t mind that I plan on staying merely “somewhat funny”.)
7. Tim Gunn is one of the nicest, classiest, most gracious celebrities ever. But he has a weird effect on the camera lens. I think it’s his magical powers to always look 10 pounds LIGHTER on camera – the camera lens reflects out to make everything around him look bigger.
5. BlogHer may be the only place in the world where women don’t find it revolting and disgusting to wear a McDonald’s bag on their head, and even find it “The Thing To Do”.
4. Walking a red carpet and getting photographed by the Paparazzi is fun. I don’t know why everyone complains about it.
3. Apparently, it is perfectly socially acceptable to put “Adult Electronic Devices” in the same swag bag with Children’s DVDs about Ballerinas.
2. The best friends that you will make are the informal-passing-time-while-waiting-in-line-to-meet-a-celebrity type, not the begrudgingly-let’s-get-to-know-each-other-like-we’re-supposed-to-even-though-we’re-all-introverts-type.
1. An innocent button that says “You Go Girl” may not just be an uplifting message of positivity: It may be an advertisement for a FUD, or a female urination device, for which women can pee while standing. DO NOT WEAR BUTTON.