It’s baby season!! Everyone I know is pregnant right now, and it seems like there’s a new announcement every day! A few of my closest friends (and most loyal readers!) are having their first baby – Lindsay, Barkley, and Deidre. So since we all know that NO ONE ever gives you child rearing advice when you’re pregnant (getting advice is almost as rare as hearing people’s gruesome birthing experiences, right??), I figured I would put my two cents in.

Let’s start with nutrition:

Babies should never be allowed to have carbonated beverages, especially ones with caffeine.

Be sure to limit sweets to very small portions. Especially chocolate, since it has caffeine in it.

Nothing is better for baby than organic foods. No processed foods with chemicals and preservatives!!

Do not overstuff baby’s mouth. They cannot chew and swallow as fast as adults!

Let’s move on to transportation:

If allowing baby to ride on a motorcycle, be sure that she has a correctly sized, DOT approved helmet.

Be sure to ALWAYS have baby in an approved car seat when travelling.

It is not recommended to take baby out of the house while they are still under a week old. And especially do not put babies in grocery carts, as they are germ infested.
Babies’ bodies cannot regulate heat as well as adults. Be sure to keep baby in well-controlled temperatures. Never let baby be in the cold for long!
Time for some general safety tips:

Do not throw your baby.

Make sure that all toys that baby plays with and clothes that baby wears are rated for their age.

Be careful to never allow baby to get anything wrapped around their neck.
Babies can easily blend in with their laundry. Be sure not to throw the baby in with the baby laundry.
Carefully supervise baby when playing near unstable objects.
Never leave baby unsupervised outdoors.
Or on stairs.
Or on the changing table.
Or while climbing on shelves.
Or while sitting on dinosaurs.
Do not let baby share food with animals.
Speaking of animals, let’s now move on to animal/baby interaction:
Cats do not generally appreciate having a baby placed on top of them.
Be careful when allowing your baby to point at ducks. They WILL bite babies.

Do not let your baby feed goats, as they are germ infested creatures.
Or deer.

And be sure to keep baby away from wild and dangerous animals.

Now for some tips on thoughtfulness to others:
It is generally not recommended to tent camp with a baby. This may be unpleasant for you, and for all of the campers around you.
Do not let your baby take things away from other babies.Now for some tips on what to expect from babies:
Newborns can fall asleep in some very uncomfortable looking positions. Try to adjust them to make them as comfortable as possible. They won’t wake up – don’t worry.

Babies may not like the first instrument you try to teach them,
So just keep trying until you find one that they seem to be naturally talented at.Learning to tell if a baby has a dirty diaper can sometimes be challenging. Just find a method that seems to work for you and stick with it.
Babies may not get as excited as you about giving out Valentines cards. Don’t expect your baby to be attentive in church their first Sunday.

Sequel posts:

Toddler Tips
Baby Tips, 2.0

16 thoughts on “Baby Tips

  1. That is hilarious! Do you know how many pediatricians would have a heart attack if they saw these pictures?:) And what do you know, she is perfectly fine!

  2. Hilarious Rach! VERY creative and fun. I loved it!!! I may post these on the nursery wall…RULES FOR BABY! Hehe! Barkley

  3. oh boy. . . do I need to post which ones didn’t REALLY happen before I get reported to DHR? :) Or would that ruin the effect?

  4. You are my kind of Mom! What a cute and clever idea. You should check out my post called If Only I saw this before I had kids, it is something I got in an email and so stinkin funny.

  5. April 3rd. thats when you wrote this and thats when you tagged me in this post to do the same thing. wow am I behind… but better late than never.. I will most certainly do this as a post. sorry for not seeing it before..

  6. Hilarious! In the one pic about the goat, all I noticed at first was the donkey or burro or whatever. (I just know it’s not a goat-and I thought that you were saying it was!)

  7. I’m working on my own baby/kid tips, so I thought I would check yours out again. I didn’t realize I didn’t leave a comment the first time. These are hilarious!

    I also recognized a couple of outfits in these pics that you loaned to us and Amy Beth has since worn. Makes me realize yet again just how fast our babies are growing up.

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