Mommy Benefits Package.

United Mommy’s Union (UMU)

New Policies and Announcements

August 2011

Dear UMU Members,

I hope that you have all had a wonderful summer full of perfectly behaved children who spent their days idyllically reveling in their summer vacations, but are now thrilled to be back in school and studying up a frenzy.  Right?

We realize that we have not been in touch with all of you union members in far too long, but that’s due to a frightening lack of opportunity to communicate due to increased demands from the UBU and UKU.  However, we bring good news with today’s subject matter.

We’ve been in talks with the various unions, including the United Baby Union, United Toddler’s Union, and United Kid Union to make some long-overdue modifications to your Mommy Benefits Packages.

We’ve worked very hard to fight for your rights, including enduring some pretty severe sleep strikes.

But we’ve fought back, as well.  As most strikes go, we have been involved in an embroiling battle of manipulation, concessions and threats, and removals of privileges.

For instance, when certain members of the United Baby’s Union went on sleep strike after trying apple juice for the first time, we fought back with a new rule: they are never, ever, ever, ever EVER allowed to have apple juice EVER again.

Okay, fine.  That’s not very realistic.  When they go to college, they can experiment with apple juice.

But that’s beside the point.  Let’s get to what everyone really cares about: Mommy Benefits Package Amendments.

We all know that the Mommy Benefits Package is pretty slim in some areas.  Vacation days are hard to come by, and the idea of sick days is nearly laughable.  Lunch Breaks are more like Lunch Labor, and afternoon nap breaks are spotty at best.  Although we cannot fix some of these larger issues, we have tackled some of the smaller ones – ones that, although seemingly inconsequential, can still greatly increase quality of life.

One particularly malodorous Mommy Task is the job of butt-wiping, so we have tackled this issue with all hands in, in a manner of speaking.  This job includes diapered butts and potty-trained-but-not-yet-thorough-at-wiping-one’s-self butts.  Although the first type can be, to some degree, wiped at our own discretion when it comes to timing, the latter is typically an on-demand service.

…which can have particularly poor timing.

So, although we acknowledge our unavoidable duties in this area, we have asked for one concession from the United Kid’s Union: That, in the case that we are in the middle biting into a delicious morsel of food when we receive the I poooooooped!!! Come Wiiiiiiiipe Me!! call, we are allowed to finish chewing AND swallowing said bite before answering the call.

And, in the case of the diapered butts, we have also requested a concession.  Although we at the UMU understand the deliciousness of canned Mandarin Oranges, and can even concede to them being a favored food demanded at every meal, we do ask that the members of the UBU be kind enough to better crush the individual orange capsules with their gums before swallowing.  This will help prevent the especially foul sensation of orange capsules bursting from beneath a wet wipe when being cleaned from the other end.

Gag.

In other feeding-related items concerning the UBU, we have requested that they make a more improved effort to spit out their food everywhere, rather than just focusing on the hard-to-clean crevices of their high chair, sleeves, and thigh rolls.

And, although we agree to share our hard-earned dark chocolate fudge ice cream with them, we request that they not subtly drip it down their thigh, thereby making everyone that sees them for the rest of the day gasp in horror at what appears to have dripped out of their onesie and been allowed to dry onto their thigh.

And finally, we have fought and won the battle for a moment of Mommy respite.  Although the thought of achieving solitude for every Mommy bathroom break made the UTU and UKU laugh out loud, we did achieve a compromise: they agreed to allow one out of every ten Mommy Bathroom Visits be unaccompanied and uninterrupted, and even with the door closed.  Fabulous, no??

These Mommy Benefits Package Amendments are going into effect this month.  If you have any particular items of future amendment interest, please submit them below for further union negotiations.