From Where All Knowledge Gurgles Forth.

While I was helping Ali find a haul of reading material at our local library earlier this week, I happened upon this instant classic.

Right?!

Surely the authors were just trolling parents of tweens. Surely they realized what they were doing.

Right??

Then again, maybe they’re of that new generation – the cross-section of humankind that my daughter is staunchly a part of – the ones that insist that Uranus is pronounced YOUR-uh-nus.

(Which doesn’t sound much better but a little.)

Regardless of whether they were simply writing for the innocent, clean, YOUR-uh-nus-pronouncing new generation or they were purposefully trying to make me spit my water at a library book, I was intrigued.

And as soon as I left, I was absolutely kicking myself for not borrowing the book.

I sent the cover to Chris, and he and I immediately disagreed as to the meaning of the book.

I felt it was about the perils of flatulence. Or maybe about how to use a particularly helpful essential oil.

Chris felt it was an allegory of a precious friend’s Instagrammed hemorrhoids.

Whatever it was, I had to discover the jewels contained within.

So that night, at 11pm, while I was delirious from child-induced exhaustion and a double dose of chocolate, I bought the book on Kindle so that I could quickly skim it and use the search feature to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

Here is my summary of this life-changing literature, all quotes from within its magical pages. I recommend reading it aloud for the best results.

“I am Uranus, ruler of the sky!”

Uranus’s voice sounded oddly familiar.

Uranus took shape in the darkness above them. The Olympians stared at him in awe. He was massive, bigger than any Titan they had ever seen. His dark-blue form filled the entire sky, arching from one end of the horizon to the other.

Uranus boomed in answer.

Uranus nodded his enormous head.

They whipped around to see what—or who—Uranus was talking about.

“Butt out. I can handle this myself, Father!” Cronus yelled up to Uranus in an irritated voice.

Poseidon was staring at Uranus. “Wow! Who knew there was such a gigantic gigantic being? So should we fear him like he asked?”

His eyes blazing, Oceanus looked up at his father, Uranus.

Uranus laughed.

Caught between Uranus in the sky, the Olympians were sitting ducks.

Uranus stared in shock.

Uranus fought back, producing stars that appeared sharper and more dangerous than any they had ever seen.

Uranus’s giant body still stretched from one end of the horizon to the other.

“Looks like Uranus is leaving,” remarked Athena.

The sky had grown darker as they walked, and this time Uranus wasn’t the cause. It really was almost night.

“Uranus wants me to destroy you, but that’s not what I want. Not anymore, anyway.”

“I know you want to escape Titan troubles, but shouldn’t we wait for those incoming bubbles?” Uranus sing-songed.

“You’re getting bubbles on my food!’ she complained.

Aphrodite giggled. “I can’t help it. They do as they please.”

After finishing the book, Amazon requested that I leave a review.

Because I’m a helpful person, I was glad to oblige.

I hope all the people find it helpful.