Sunsets By the Package.

In two days, I got two emails from different guys that I have zero connections with. (They were real emails from real people, guys!) One wanted advice as to where to take his girlfriend for a special date, and the other wanted advice as to where to propose to his girlfriend.

This might sound extraordinarily random (and it kinda is), but both had been googling for the best sunset locations in Birmingham and had naturally found me.

I gave them both advice on where to take their women, and recommended each a completely different array of locations, as I customized my suggestions to their specific needs and desires.

Because I’m apparently the new Romantic Advice Column of the Birmingham metropolitan area.

Which made me realize: it’s time to create some packages and start selling my services.

You want sunsets? I got sunsets. Choose from the below packages for the correct amount of sunset advice that you would like.

The Crush Package: I tell you where to go to see a sunset. No refunds or exchanges.

The Date Package: If you’re interested in romance and safety, I tell you where to go to see a sunset in a location that you will most likely not get mugged and/or fall off a cliff.

The Sweetheart Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, and not getting eaten by zombies, I tell you where to see a sunset in a location that does not include a haunted parking deck that you can’t escape from after sunset.

The Memories Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, not getting trapped, and not regretting your date all week, I tell you where to see a sunset that will not involve chiggers and/or mosquitoes feasting on every inch of your flesh AFTER they completely devour your girlfriend.

The Lovebird Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, not getting trapped, not getting eaten, and not getting shot by a resident and/or reported to the police and taken into custody for trespassing, I tell you where to see a sunset that doesn’t involve encroachment onto private property.

The Quiet Solitude Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, not getting trapped, not getting eaten, not getting arrested and/or killed, and a romantic atmosphere, I tell you where to see a sunset and guarantee that I will not show up there to take sunset photos with my tired, hungry, and whining children who will almost certainly fall down, skin their knees, and scream for freaking ever.

The Proposal Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, not getting trapped, not getting eaten, not getting arrested and/or killed, a romantic atmosphere, and being able to remember your moment forever, I tell you where to see a sunset and I’ll show up without my kids, hide in the bushes on private property*, and subtly take pictures of your perfect sunset proposal**.

* After you sign a waiver promising to bail me out of jail, pay all of my court costs, hire me the best lawyer in town to defend my reputation, and provide Chigarid for the 98 chigger bites that I am guaranteed to procure.

** Even if she says no.