Not the easy way, like, say, giving me poison-laced dark chocolate. I’d eat that.


She is trying to chip away at my sanity, tiny piece by tiny piece, by casting off her previous overcautiousness and OCD sensibilities and taking on a new persona.

The persona of Ali: House Destroyer.


Mission One: Shock and Awe.

Well that one’s obvious. It was the mission on which she earned her wings – the destruction of her bathroom, my kitchen, and her bedroom floor. I might have already blogged about that once. Or twice. Or thrice. Or frice. So I won’t blog it again.

(Except to say that yes, the recovery process is 148 days in and still unfinished.)

Mission Two: Glass Was Made to be Broken.

Ceiling Fan

I heard a loud crash, then an “UH OH!!! MOMMMMMY!!!!”

I went in to find the above light fixture and it’s former self below on her brother’s city mat (where he thankfully was not playing,) laced with balloon fragments.

Ceiling Fan Glass

“You broke a light fixture with…a balloon??”

“Yes – I threw it up there, and it just broke!!”

Upon further investigation, I theorized that the balloon had hit the fan pulls with such force that they bounced up and hit the light, thereby destroying it.

Those are superhero powers right there.

Mission Three: Flood by a Thousand Drips.

When the time came to start the fifth bath in her brand new bathroom, I discovered a dripping wet towel in her bathroom floor.

“Why is this towel wet?”

“My floor looked dirty. So I was cleaning it.”

“Exactly HOW were you cleaning it? Did you wet the towel and then wipe it? Or pour water on the floor and then wipe it?”

“Well….um…well…um…I poured little cups of water on the floor, then wiped it up.”

<deep breathing>

“Water on your floor is what caused us to have to rebuild your entire bathroom. Don’t ever ever EVER pour water on your floor.”

“No, that wasn’t what caused us to have to redo my bathroom! It was the toilet overflowing!”

<double deep breathing>


(But as an aside, I must admit. I used her bathroom quite innocently the other day and stopped up the toilet. So perhaps not everything is her fault.)

(And we totally should have replaced that Porcelain Devil’s Workshop when we remodeled the bathroom.)

Mission Four: Paint the Room Red.

Upon the start of her seventh bath in her new tub, I discovered FINGERNAIL POLISH. On her brand new bathroom tiles.

There is nothing more to say.

Mission Five: Kindergarten Meth Mouth.

I set out to put a few things under Ali’s normally fairly empty bathroom sink.

What I was not expecting to find was her Secret Chemistry Lab.


She had apparently been experimenting with combinations of shampoo, conditioner, soap, bath fragrances, body sprays, bubble bath, toothpaste, possibly medication, and who-tha-heck knows what else to make tantalizing creations such as this,


This (which as an aside is housed in the toilet bowl scrubber base,)


And this formerly bubbling brew.


Each concoction had it’s own color and texture, so she definitely earned points for creativity.


I found amongst these creations her lab assistant: black magic, no doubt.


And behind that, I discovered the most fearsome of them all. The crust achieved reminded me of some condescending cheeses I once tasted.


And, as with all parenting firsts, my lab bust created a new topic for parental debate.

Meth Lab Tweets

And he still hasn’t concluded.

But considering the fact that HIS DAUGHTER IS TRYING TO KILL ME, he best be sidin’ with me.

41 thoughts on “Save Our Souls. And Our House.

  1. There is a kid’s book called The Saturdays by Elizabeth Enright in which the kids entertain themselves on various Saturdays. One of their activities is preparing various concoctions from leftover lotions, shampoos, and creams. I thought it was a very creative pastime. And because it was written in the first half of the 20th century and the characters are so mature and knowledgeable (classical music, Shakespeare, etc.) I thought, “I wish kids today were so creative.” Consider your child among good company.

    They also nearly kill everyone with carbon monoxide poisoning while playing in the basement and burn the house down playing dress-up. So I guess your daughter really could have fit right in.

    1. Yes. Fortunately, the Meth Lab didn’t do any damage, except perhaps to my soap and shampoo budget.

      Not that I have one of those, but if I did…

  2. Oh my gosh! I totally had a bathroom lab when I was about her age too! I’d forgotten until your post. Thanks for the reminder and the chuckle. I ended up being an engineer, NOT a meth baker – so I think she’ll be ok. :)

    1. What a relief! There’s hope after all.

      Because if she was going to become a Meth Baker anyway, I was totally going to quit wasting money taking her to the dentist.

  3. Ha! I did that ‘mix up everything in the bathroom’ bit with a friend, but then we washed with it. It led to me finding out that conditioner was a good thing (Mum didn’t use any on my hair, but my hair was much better after being washed with a mixture including conditioner). Good times. :)

    PS – hang in there re: the not being murdered/dying of stress bit.

    1. I think we’ll make it! I just have to, one by one, tell her everything that she can’t do. We should be finished when she’s about 86.

  4. Wow, this sounds a lot like me when I was a kid, and I thought I was a pretty good kid! Especially the bathroom lab part. I’d do that with food too, to see what combinations worked together (don’t worry, no soaps or anything were added, just food). It all turned out for the best though, now I’m a graphic designer, not a meth dealer. And I make the best cookies ever.

    1. My Mom made me eat all of my experiments. No matter how much tabasco or pepper I added into it.

      Or wait…maybe I just had to have a hypothesis to do experiments.

      Either way, there were definitely rules. I’ll have to investigate that further.

  5. Maybe you should just get Ali some real ingredients, like essential oils and stuff, and see what happens. She might accidentally concoct something you could charge a buttload of money for, like that La Mer face cream that costs $200 a jar.

    1. That’s not a bad idea! No one would have to know that our Fancy Face Cream was made by combining Johnson and Johnson Baby Shampoo with Dora the Explorer Colgate Toothpaste, right??

  6. This reminds me of my nephew at Ali’s age. His mom discovered him lighting little pieces of paper on the pilot light of the water heater in the garage and then disposing of the evidence by throwing the still lit papers into the trash can. Somehow the entire family survived that particular stage in his development and he is now a preteen without pyromaniac tendencies.

    1. Oh wow! My goodness. At least she’s two floors away from the hot water heater! Mental Note: Don’t let her play in the basement alone.

  7. wow, sounds like my samuel. my sister and i broke the light fixture in our room twice, i think, by playing volleyball together.

  8. I remember doing something similar, except it was outside, involved various plants, and I made my dogs eat it…so at least hers wasn’t used as a form of torture.

  9. Haha, Ali has stored up all her childish mischief and is using it in one fell swoop! The rest of it have the courtesy of having these things spread out over toddlerhood. :)

    1. Yes, that must be what’s happening! They have an amount they HAVE to get out before they enter first grade, and she’s got a lot of catching up to do.

  10. Ali’s creativity is really showing. And you thought all she did was write you notes. I am having a hard time believing Ali is being sneaky. That is so funny to me.

  11. I used to have a bathroom “meth lab” when I was a kid too! I also loved to make mud pies using spices from my mom’s kitchen. My kids also loved to mix and concoct stuff in the kitchen when they were Ali’s age; I think the experimentation is natural.

    1. Yes, I remember hoping to discover some scientific breakthrough by combining all of the contents of my Mom’s spice cabinet. I don’t remember succeeding, though… I should ask my Mom.

  12. I remember mixing up all the Avon powders and shampoos, etc when I was a kid. Talcum powder needs a lot of water to thin out enough to make it down the drain. :)

  13. I know you’re probably thinking “Ali, I cannot wait until you have kids of your own.” But I bet you didn’t plan on all of us thinking the same thing….I can’t wait until she has kids of her own. I’m very interested in the exponential growth of the antics.

    1. Ha! Yes, she can just take over the blog and write about the retribution that her kids put her through on behalf of their Grandmother.

  14. If Noah won’t deliver on my sick and twisted wishes, then I’m happy to take it from Ali ;). Cousin Eli must be giving her pointers.

  15. Wow. I can’t say I’m innocent and didn’t do those things. I did paint my tiles but then quickly cleaned it up and I did “dot” my sink with fingernail polish. But, only two or three times and promptly cleaning it up afterwards.

    Maybe she has the Sheldon Cooper gene after all….? ;)

  16. My sister made a “magic potion’ with a friend when she was nine. They had some idea of being able to get into the wallpaper mural in our dining room. Soap was a major ingredient, as was hot sauce and who knows what else. The end result looked a lot like pink lemonade. My brother can attest to it not TASTING like pink lemonade though – they left it in the kitchen and were quite annoyed with him (and vice-versa!). Janice only JUST threw out her potion last week. I had no idea my mother let her keep her concoction, through two moves and nearly two decades!

    Also – exhibit #2 takes some talent!

    1. I LOVE that your Mom kept it!! That is beyond fabulous. And makes me feel less disgusting about the 12 year old wedding cake topper in my freezer.

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