Look and Find, Google-Style.

Once a year, I wade through the Google search terms that have led people here.   This year, there were 58,635 people using 17,525 separate search terms that landed them on my blog.

(Clearly, I talk about a vast smattering of topics…most of which are ridiculous and unimportant, which happens to be people’s favorite type of thing to Google.)

About half of those people were searching for the answer to one of the greatest mysteries of our time: Do miniature giraffes exist?

And the reason that half of the individual search terms were also about this question was the fact that the word “giraffe” can be misspelled in more combinations that any other word in the human language.

Don’t believe me?  Here’s just a sampling – a mere smidgen of the spelling atrocities that I discovered:

graffie
ghiraffes
graff
girtaffes
girrrafes
jaraffe
jiraffe
gitaffe
gariffes
garaffis
giraph
girraf
graffi
garaff
giraafes
giraffi
girfaffes (One of my personal favorites to say out loud.)
jereffe
griraffes
girafffe
vguraffe
giragffes
giraffees
griffe
gaffafis (I also have a special place in my heart for this one, since it sounds like a Greek last name.)
gariffees
geraffs
giaraffe
jaraf
girffa
giragge

…and these are the ones that were close enough to recognizable to actually find my blog in their grand quest for answers.

I also enjoyed the oxymoronish tint to this question…

do fake giraffes exist

But my favorite was easily this one:

is ther minacher draffes

Some people weren’t searching for answers of existence, though.  No, they were much further down Giraffe Buying Highway:

are miniature giraffes legal in the US

do you need a special license for a lap giraffe

is it legal to own a giraffe in vieginia

Some already had what they were looking for, but just wanted it altered:

can a giraffe be mimiaturized

Or wanted an even smaller variety:

are teacup giraffes real

Or a different species:

cost to own a mini elephant

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But besides matters of Giraffe and Friends, there were many other things that people desperately sought.  And quite a few of them shocked me by the numbers of people attempting to find them.

Such as, 30 people in one year were looking for…

mail order babies – The problem with this is that the US Postal Service outlawed the shipping of babies many years back (after two were actually mailed successfully).  Check with UPS, though.

25 people wanted to know:

is dr pepper 10 good for you – Oh, it’s very good for you. It’s especially good for practicing your addition skills and deductive reasoning. Which you clearly have none of if you think that any soft drinks are actually good for you.

12 people wanted to know if others also had the experience of…

breast pump talks to me – at least that was one search that I could easily answer.

6 people were in search of a…

shoilet – Showering while on the toilet is overrated, people.  Geez.

4 people tried to find..

fried afterbirth – can we please call it Fried Placenta?? It sounds so much more appetizing.

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But people, in general, have some awesome questions.  Questions that, if answered, could possibly bring about world peace, or at least make one or two people slightly happier.

So I will attempt to answer them.

can my baby 10 months old eat berry colossal crunch – Remember – doctors recommend introducing one food at a time. Start first with Count Chocula, then slowly add in the Berry Colossal Crunch.

are your buttcheeks suppose to look squarish – Square, maybe.  But certainly not squarish.

siri why does my five-year-old wine so much – Perhaps you should try giving her grape juice instead…

is it true that the secret lies with charlotte – Nick? Nick Cage? Is that you? Poor guy – still confused about the fact that your movies are FICTION. Get some help, Nick.

can old fat people sell vault denim jeans – Maybe you would do yourself a favor by rethinking the image you have of yourself first?

“is” sleepwalking a genetic thing – Yes, it “is”.

what is it ? white glue come out of my froat ? – Can someone else take this one?

am i wrong to be mad my 39 year old wife dyed a pink stripe in her blobde hair? – No, but you’re wrong to have married someone with blobde hair.

are third nipples dangerous – It depends on whether they’re armed.

are you supposed to tell your friends mom happy mother’s day? – is it really easier to Google it than to just say it already?

can a 60 year old wear skinny jeans spring 2012 – No – but no worries, it’s almost Summer 2012, then you can.

can boys wear smocked clothing over age 2 – Can they or should they?  Can you wear smocked clothing at the age of 35? Yes.  Should you? No.

can i use a toner to get asy brown hair color – Who wants their hair to be an asy brown color?

do any of the dugger kids want to own a chick fil a – Who doesn’t want to own a Chick-Fil-A??

do you have to be over seventeen to watch downton abbey? – I don’t know, since I’m 30.  But the television didn’t automatically cut off when I turned it on, so apparently you don’t have to be over 30.

does jennifer holliday have teeth – Yes.  Gigantic, scary, razor sharp teeth.

do snakes go after breast milk – I don’t know.  And thankfully, I can’t test that theory for you anymore.

if a cat pees on you is it bad – It depends: are you a human or a piece of kitty litter?

is it bad to blow on a pregnant woman – well, they do have bad balance.  And are very sensitive to smells, so your breath probably wouldn’t be comforting.

is it possible to have extra stomach skin? – In whichever dimension this isn’t true, I want to move there.

is taverna plaka prom appropriate – Are you Greek?  Is she Greek?  Then yes.

is the american version of dieting abbey different than the english version? – Yes.  Biscuits are actually cookies in the English version.

is the movie the christmas shoes been banned for some reason – If not, banning it would make a fabulous Christmas present for someone like me.

how long is a lifetime ago – How did you find the internet?

how to airbrush abs – 100 crunches a day.

how to get your man out of mom jeans – Show him two pictures side by side.  “This is your butt.  This is my Mom’s butt.  Your butt.  My Mom’s butt.” – repeat as necessary.

how long until i lose my pregnancy pouch – How did you learn how to type, Mrs. Kangaroo?

how to keep a mummified chicken for a year – Typically, Mummified Chickens only last for about 11 months.  Then they come back as Zombie Chickens.

how to pee outside – Go ask your Daddy.

how to write retendivity in perfumary – Um.  Yes?

what to do when cops are staking out your house – Google what to do, I guess.

where i can buy human dried lennec placenta in united states i am a doctor – Sure you are.  That’s what they all say.

why are there seeds in newborn poop – The same reason there are seeds in an apple.  If you spread it outside on your lawn, you’ll get a grove full of newborn trees!!

why did you bite me? im a snake you idiot – Why did you Google me?  You answered your own question you idiot.

disney princess gummies do they cause to have green stool – Nope, I just checked, and all of the stools in my kitchen are decidedly still wood-toned.

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It seemed as if some people were searching desperately for validation of their slightly unwise ideas…

baby boy edible arrangements – Baby boys taste terrible in edible arrangements.  Try Meat Flowers instead.

alanama tatoo – Try spelling it right before you get the tattoo.

baby boy toe nail art – Daddy’s not going to like it…

baby seat on a motorcycle – There’s no LATCH system – sorry.

bedazzle your mom jeans – Two very, very, very serious wrongs do not make the tiniest of rights.

bedazzle zit – That, however, seems like a fabulous idea.

best iphone app fir honeschool – Until you know the difference between “fir” and “for”, please don’t homeschool or honeschool your children.

cant get all crevices clean while changing baby – I’m not going to tell you that is okay. Keep wiping.

engagement ring as a push present a good idea? – Don’t ask any questions like that while she’s pushing.  You may have to excavate that ring from between your nostrils.

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Some seemed to simply want to inform me of important facts.

professionl claim that girl are smater than boy – If you’re a boy, then you just proved the point yourself.

china kids poop – I’m sure they do.

babe i think im pregnant the at&t – Better than being pregnant with the DirecTV.  Those dishes are significantly bigger than 10 centimeters.

curly hair gets straighter after 1st year of pubertyartoon balcony – You should never leave your kid on a pubertyartoon balcony, regardless of their hair needs.

cinderella didn’t have to take her dress off to win her prince – Nope, just a shoe.

fell asleep on the breast pump – probably because yours sings you lullabies.

he looked so cute in sisters frilly easter dresses

i fear i am an idiot – If you have to Google it, then…

i felt a bug on my arm – Then slap it!! Pry your fingers from your keyboard and SLAP YOUR ARM!!

i have a medium butt – That’s very… normal of you.

i am a 14 year old boy with a bumpy chest

i long to write you such words that will fill your heart with complete love and joy – Please do, then!  I love sweet emails!!

i need to lose 30 lbs. i have had back surgery in june, 2011 so i cannot do much yet but need some something on a low budget

i think i have super glue in my throat

i weigh 357 pounds, any diet plans for me? – Sorry, not today.  I had one for 358 pounds.  And 357.5 pounds, but not 357 pounds.

my cat went to another dimension – Was that the dimension where you can’t have extra stomach skin?? Did she find it???

my face is ugly and i am awkward – I’m… sorry?

studies prove lmao doesn’t change body – That’s why I never do it.  It’s just not worth the effort.

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Some searches made me wonder how they ever found my blog.

map of the fault lines in the north dakota

darth vader bra and panties

i love my honda odyssey

And the four people who found my blog by searching for:

a

(Apparently, I’m towards the top of the internet.)

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Finally, some searches were just…silence-inducing.

how many calleries do you burn yelling at your kids

is it too late once they scanned my drivers license for sudafed

edible ear wax recipe

where can you find a restaurant that serves fried placenta

dye kids hair white

princess donät poop

female hamster placenta

can a third nipple appear at 18

fhoto out line softwer free

fitting your husband in a bra

long tenies jans boott

poopong princess

quizzes good baby let mummy change your dirty nappy

recipe for russian placenta

satan with flowers wedding dress

should i cancek birthday party vomit

should you wake newborn if hear nappy explosion

siri rachel is a butt cheek

solve d riddle: kitty, litty n mutty r d three kittens. what is d cat’s name?

starbucks and (holiday or “red cup” or “cup magic” or augmented or bogo or “buy one” or “12 days” or peppermint or petites or card or christmas or brulee or gingerbread or eggnog or brownie or “cake pop” or whoopee)

And, my favorite…

yw! okayyy…..i guess i can wa it only til after the baby shower! baby baby baby!!! heehehe!

Thank you, Internet, for your constant quest for knowledge.