27 Things I Learned in my 27th Year.

So, being the geek that I am, I kept going back and forth on the accuracy of the above title. I think that technically, last year was my 28th year, seeing as how my first year was between 0 and 1 years old. But, then I was afraid that people would think I was turning 29 today – oh the horrors! So I’m being inaccurate because I would rather people think I’m turning 27 than 29.

But, to be completely clear, I am turning……28.

But no need to get caught up in numbers. The point of a birthday is not the additional digit unless you’re under 20. After that, the only perk (and it’s a big one, I might add) of birthdays is that it means that there’s a whole day devoted just to MEEEEEE.

So, without further unnecessary ado, Here is a list of what I’ve learned this year, in (mostly) chronological order:

1. Birthdays don’t always live up to their expectations. Puking can REALLY put a damper on a special day. (Hopefully, today will be NO repeat of last year.)
2. A lot can change in a year. I went from nearly having a complete social anxiety attack about merely attending my first blogger meet-up to being the instigator, planner, and leader of my second, third, fourth, and fifth blogger meet-ups… how did THAT happen?
3. Toddlers will believe that brown milk is something disgusting and undesirable for approximately nine months.
4. Speaking of disgusting, you can’t deny talent. Chris is very nearly as talented as his uncle at making Toenail Art.
5. Rooting out and finding the source of a husband’s aromatic crush is MUCH harder than one would have thought.

   (No, I still don’t know what the magical scent is…if only I could have THAT for my birthday.)

   (However, I DID learn my husband’s fantasy hairdo this year: Pippi Longstocking.)

6. Two things I’m REALLY NOT good at: Belly Dancing and pulling off Gold lamé leggings.
7. Phlegm, unfortunately, has chosen me to be his best friend. ALL YEAR LONG. As much as I’ve tried to oust him, he feels the need to continue on with this co-dependent relationship.
8. Mothering takes constant and continuing education to stay up to date with the current requirements of the job. This year, I learned that two year olds will figure out ways to be in control of their environment, using whatever brilliant means necessary. Whether it’s chipmunking or poop hoarding, they can, and often DO, have TOTAL control.
9. Even if you meant it as just a joke, if you teach your toddler to say something, like, say, “axiomatically bombastic”, it may very well become a part of their everyday vocabulary. Proceed with caution on teaching any new words. Especially “Funky”.

   (Obviously, the creators of Thomas the Tank Engine did not realize this important point when naming a tank engine “Percy”. Thanks for that.)

10. I have learned to not be so concerned with image. After all, even Princesses aren’t perfect. Even CARTOON princesses may or may not get their hair color out of a bottle. Speaking of, I was also finally able to admit this year that I have a secret and strong desire to dye my hair pink. One day, people. One day.
11. One cannot escape from their past. Not even their fashion past. If it’s not the 80’s chasing me down, it’s the 90’s. I won’t be able to resist much longer, due to the total lackage of modern clothing available. Sometime this year, I may give in and become a visual example of my past fashion mistakes.
12. Those people that say that pacifiers are easier to take away before a baby turns one, as opposed to waiting until they’re a toddler? They’re right.

    (And, for the (shameful) record, Ali still gets her paci halfway through her naps when she partially wakes up every day. I just can’t seem to stomach cutting naps in half to take it away. Yes. I’m horrible.)

13. You cannot, shall not, will not be able to be a mother without, at some point, doing things SO grotesque that your pre-Mommy self would have surely died right out at the suggestion.
14. April Fools + Blogging = Double the Fun! Especially when one of your best friends calls you, seething with rage at the fact that you DIDN’T TELL HER that you were PREGNANT with TWINS before announcing it on your blog!!! Hee hee!
15. Having a two year old in a wedding, although risky, is thankfully on the “cute” side of the Cute-to-Nightmarish continuum.
16. If you think the world will think you’re crazy because of your quirky OCD tendencies, then you’re probably right.
17. Sudafed is TOTALLY worth all of the ridiculous Crystal Meth Red Tape and scare tactics.
18. Although difficult, learning to tame a curly headed child’s hair is possible, and quite fulfilling when accomplished.
19. It only takes a couple of months and a couple of blog posts to solve a neighborhood mystery such as why there are dots on mailboxes. It was confirmed that it was the newspaper delivery service. I can now sleep again.
20. Apparently, you used to not be allowed to take a bath for six weeks after giving birth. Ew.
21. There is NO safe option for teaching toddlers about anatomy. You WILL be embarrassed, no matter how you go about it.
22. Waiting until she’s two to teach your child her whole name might cause confusion with zoo animals.
23. When it comes down to it, there are actually a very limited number of “usable” biblical names.
24. ALWAYS put the lid down on singing potties. On a related note, big potties make awesome pommel horses. On another related note, once kids start talking, the bathroom becomes a place of escape, rather than necessity.
25. Not everyone appreciates my sense of humor. Or finds it humorous. At all.
26. Sometimes, teaching your child improper table manners may help the greater good. Like achieving the actual drinkage of milk when taught how to blow bubbles in aforementioned liquid.
27. Calorie count listings ruin EVERYTHING. And nowhere has them listed more prevalently than NYC. So if you’re going to NYC and don’t want your favorite things ruined FOREVER (like, say, White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks), don’t go to any restaurants or coffee shops that you frequent back home. On a related note, just don’t ever read any packaging at all. You’ll live a much happier life that way.

And now, I’m off to celebrate the rest of the day that’s all about MEEEEEE!!!

…right after I do the laundry…and fix Ali some breakfast…and do the dishes…and play dolls with her…and get my work done…