Dear Sudafed and your generic friends,

I didn’t realize until this weekend how much I have missed you. I haven’t used you since you became so difficult to ascertain, thanks to your horrific aiding of illicit drug makers. That, coupled with the fact that I haven’t had sinus problems since I gave birth.

However, something in my body has changed over the last few months, and I can no longer take my new friend, Alka-Seltzer Liqui-Gels, without feeling extraordinarily drugged, hyper, and sleepy all at once.

Oh – and without my eyeballs having the sensation that they are spinning ’round and ’round like the do on cartoon characters who have just been hit on the head with a sledgehammer.

So when I got a sinus attack or cold or what-have-you this weekend and very much needing to be of right mind for the wedding festivities, I decided that it was worth the trouble and the being entered onto a Federal Watchlist to reconnect with my old friends.

You were always so little. So innocent. So side-effect-less.

So I went to CVS and approached the pharmacy counter, trying to look as unobtrusive and un-meth-lab-operator as possible.

I requested the generic Sudafed.

She went and got a box of 24.

I remembered how wonderful it used to be when you could buy the Sam’s bottle of 500, and how comforting it was to know that I could have a sinus infection for the next 284 days and be covered, so I asked said Pharmacist if she had any bigger packages.

She looked me up and down suspiciously for anything that screamed “I’m a Crystal Meth Maker!!”, then told me that she could get me a box of 96, but that was it.

I nervously told her that I’d been having sinus problems, while making sure she saw me interacting with my toddler.

You know, to alleviate her suspicions.

She took my driver’s license and officially scanned me into the Federal Government’s List of Evil Sudafed Purchasers (also known as the FGLESP).

I all of a sudden felt watched, tracked, and talked about in dark, cavernous boardrooms all over the country.

I’m pretty sure that Jack Bauer now has me on his black list.

She handed me my receipt, and I noticed at the bottom:

Phew. Under the limit. I can’t be arrested today.

And it was worth it. The wonderful relief of nose running without the side effects, the ease of swallowing those little red pills instead of the stick-to-your-throat rubber horse pills that I had been taking, and the reuniting with an old friend.

I love you, Sudafed. I will never again forget about you because you’re a high-maintenance friend.

Oops – I gotta go. There seems to be a Drug Enforcement Agency Task Force knocking at my door.

Your old friend,


13 thoughts on “Reuniting With an Old Friend

  1. Too funny! I love me some Sudafed too…and before the whole behind the counter thing, never even knew it was an ingredient in Crystal Meth. Maybe I’m just a little slow, but I’m willing to bet a lot of people didn’t realize it and they just opened up a new can of worms by putting it back there.

    Anyway, glad you’re getting a little relief!

  2. I love sudafed too, and what gets me is it isn’t like a Crystal Meth maker walks into to his neighborhood CVS to get his, I am sure real meth makers have a supplier so I don’t know why the punish us.

  3. Tee hee.

    In regards to what Leanna said, I think they actually do walk in to the local pharmacies. I was behind a “lady” two weeks ago that was doing such a bad acting job, i.e., “Uh, I need sudafed, ’cause I’m *sniff*, uh, sick. Yeah.” She fidgeted and nervously stood there until her purchase was complete. I walked out at the same time she did and she hopped in the truck with her jacked-up looking man and burned rubber out of there.

    Wait…Rachel was that you? ;)
    I hope you feel better. I just sneezed all over creation, so I’m feeling your pain.

  4. Hmm, interesting post. You SURE that Sudafed doesn’t have any side-effects — like, talking to your meds?

    I am one who cannot take much Sudafed because it turns me into a crazy person. Like the way you described the Alka-Seltzer stuff did to you. I can take one or 2, but past that I get loony.

    To Leanna and Liann:
    Meth makers DID walk into pharmacies and buy all the sudafed on the shelves, which is why they moved it behind the counter – to discourage meth makers from buying it. Of course, I am sure the more determined MMs just visit 50 pharmacies in order to get as much of it as they need from behind the counter, and since there is a pharmacy on every corner, that wouldn’t be that hard to do. But I digress….

    Oh, and they’ve also moved the pregnancy tests to behind the counter. So be sure to never buy Sudafed and a pregnancy test at the same time, or they’ll arrest you on the spot. :)

    Can you tell I’ve been cooped up all weekend with a snotty-nosed, cranky baby and haven’t been able to use up my “word quota” for the weekend???

  5. Wow! I had no idea there were issues concerning “meth labs” and all with Sudafed. So glad you have the relief you need as well as a reconnection with a dear friend.

  6. Wow I never would have thought they would buy up all the sudafed..but I am not really up on the news to know. Thanks for educating me :). My question is why did they move the Pregnancy tests behind the counter?

  7. Sudafed is awesome!! this whole post cracked me up…I have gone and bought some and not been given a second look, purchased and walked away. 6 months later I go back in and I am Id’d, questioned, etc…no rhyme or reason to it!!

  8. Leanna – I don’t think pregnancy tests are always behind the counter. In fact, I looked purposefully today when I was at CVS because I’ve never seen them BTC, and they weren’t. Jennifer must go to a very anti-pregnancy pharmacy. :)

    Jennifer – they scanned my driver’s license, and as you can see I have a daily limit. I’m pretty sure that’s a global database, therefore preventing people from going to 50 pharmacies. Hence all the red tape.

    Carol – you lucky, lucky person. I’m pretty sure it’s a backwoods redneck drug, which is why you haven’t seen or heard of it in the sophisticated England or in the very northern Michigan :)

    Mama Hen – sure. Although I think what you actually need is a relaxing day after your crazy weekend!

  9. sudafed pe sucks as do the nyquil, dayquil versions without pseudoephedrine. i know a person who purchased more than her alloted grams at a store and police showed up at her doorstep.

  10. You’re right about the pregnancy tests. I looked today also at Wal-Mart, where they used to be behind the counter, and they were back on the shelf. They were behind the counter when I had to buy one when I was pregnant with my second baby almost 5 years ago. I remember looking all over the place for them, and then sheepishly going up to the pharmacy counter to ask if they had any. The lady informed me that they had to keep them behind the counter now. I thought it was odd and embarrassing to have to go and ask for a pregnancy test. I wonder if a lot of women complained about that and so they put them back on the shelves.

    And come to think of it, I did buy my third baby’s test at Publix, where it was on the shelf.
    Sorry for the confusion.

  11. well, if it makes you feel any better, i’ve been added to the FGLEZP…the Federal Government’s List of Evil Zyrtec Purchasers. Thought it a bit obtrusive to have to scan my drivers license just to check out…didn’t even know it had a bar code on the back!

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