A Spring Wardrobe Reassessment.

It’s beautiful outside (at least if you live in Alabama) and definitely the season to start thinking about new wardrobes and shorts and tank tops and all the summer things!

(Except bathing suits. They are never to be thought about. Or tried on in dressing rooms with rigged mirrors that make one look 100 pounds heavier. Swimsuits are a conspiratorial plot against female humanity.)

Anyway.

Shopping.

As usual, I have been doing all my shopping at HauteLook. They have fabulous prints! And adorable pieces! And….these?

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What is happening. Is this Jasmine-Chic with a bit of I Dream of Jeannie thrown in? And is that flimsy kitchen valance the only thing that is keeping the world from seeing her goods?

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It kind of looks like a butt handkerchief. And I sincerely hope she doesn’t sneeze.

But wait! There’s more! A matching shirt, in fact! And in this picture, it appears that she loaned her buttkerchief to someone else!

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PLEASE do not miss that this is 64% off and yet, still $109.97. Because apparently, exceptionally weird people are also loaded.

But if you just love the knee-length jams look but would prefer a bit more coverage, well there’s this.

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If there’s ever a mash-up movie called 50 Shades of Twilight, I’m pretty sure this will be in wardrobe.

This one, though. I can just hear CFDA Lifetime Achievement Award Winner Michael Kors saying “We NEVER put fringe there, ladies. Do you realize what that LOOKS like??”

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No. Instead, we sew an oversized shirt from 1986 to a few thrown-together graduation tassels and call it a dress.

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Or we get really excited with our tassels and sheer shirts and make our 24-inch-waisted model look like she’s 48 hours postpartum.

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(And yes. It’s just as frightening from the back. Spiderman gone very, very awry.)

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A post-childbirth collection is not complete without the “I just stopped nursing and my boobs turned into empty grocery sacks” corset, though.

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And what would the collection be without a “I got up to change the baby’s diaper in the middle of the night and somehow got in a fight with their onesie and the onesie won” pants?

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(Or from the back, it’s the “My baby has gotten too long for their onesie so I just unbutton it and let it hang like inverted chaps” look.)

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Then there’s the “My baby is exhausting me so thoroughly that even my boobs are asleep” shirt.

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And there’s always the “My baby crapped their pants and their bed and their walls and their rug and their ceiling and the top shelf of their closet and I need a HAZMAT suit to enter the room” wardrobial need.

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But let’s move away from parenthood. Because childbearing or not, NO women want to be seen looking like a walking menstruation.

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I MEAN. What Martian created that design and said, “yeah! Let’s go with that!”

Then again, maybe it was this guy.

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That’s right. Those flannel shorts come with built in compression leggings. Because if you’re going to wear flannel shorts, you don’t want to sacrifice circulation to do it.

Speaking of flannel.

Have you ever wondered what happened to all your grunge friends from the 90s? The ones you listened to Nirvana CDs with while sitting on your bean bag in the basement?

Well, I’m here to tell you exactly where they are.

They got sewed into this skirt.

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But this skirt is even more special than just the resting place for all your high school friends. It’s Foo Fighters in the Front, Scarlett O’Hara in the back.

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A FLANNEL BUSTLE, y’all.

They also want you to know that just because you’re a homeschool mom…

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doesn’t mean you can’t show off your sexy shoulder blades.

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I totally want to wear that to my next homeschool meeting.

But  back to flannel for a hot minute. We’ve all had that moment where we’ve been all like “I really want to jump out of an airplane but I want to express my style while I do it. Oh – and I need some good pockets because I can’t jump without my cell phone!” Right? Well. Do I have a solution for you.

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She’s so ready for whatever life throws at her. Including bird poop on the way down.

And then the feeling of “I want to reclaim my youth with a pair of Birks, but I also want to reminisce about the orange shag carpet that was in my bedroom.”

Great news! You can do both at once!!

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I know. This really deserves a closer look.

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Yup. It’s raw hamburger meat on a shoe.

But. Of course HauteLook also offers many basics. Wardrobe staples. Things that every girl needs. Like a plain white tee.

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Huh.

That’s funny.

I wonder why it describes it as a “Print” Tee?

I should turn it around and see the back.

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Because nothing says “I’m worth it and you should really woo me” like YELLING IT FROM YOUR BUTT.

Also, they have this lovely, simple, black shirt.

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…that has quite a mouthful to say from the rear view.

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Voice Mail. SEND THE PAST TO VOICE MAIL. WHO still talks about voice mail?!

I mean. If I’m going to be passive-aggressive behind my back, I at least want to mute my past’s text messages.

Modeling is a Dog’s Life.

A few months ago, I shared with you the inner thoughts of indignant models. Their expressions said it all – we felt their sadness, their resentment, and their rage over what they’d been forced to wear.

Two days after publishing that post, all of the model’s heads were mysteriously cropped out of the new batch of HauteLook photos. Do I think HauteLook read my blog and made a procedural change to rid themselves of the negativity emanating from their models? Probably not. Is it a very strange coincidence? Most definitely.

However, they do occasionally still let the faces of their models be experienced.

And last week, I met a brand new set of models. Models that seemed no happier at where their career had led them than the first batch.

Yet these models were dogs. The happiest creatures on earth. Supposedly.

But you know how to depress the happiest creatures on earth? Dress them like humans – the saddest creatures on earth.

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Strip them of their canine pride and castrate them into short and overly hairy humans and watch their effervescent joy vanish instantaneously.

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To further add to the humiliation, dress the dogs in the least flattering categories of human garments in existence today – Bridesmaid Dresses,

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And scrubs.

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Even the dogs that were “blessed” with the Hot Topic options looked ashamed of their forced trans-species status.

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All of the poor souls looked much more like they were auditioning for an ASPCA commercial than trying to sell us these adorable outfits.

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In the arms of an angel… (Or a Bedazzled Monster Shirt)

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Fly away from here… (And from this potholder called a “tank”)

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From this dark, cold hotel room…. (And this studio where they shove shirt after shirt over your oversized and most likely quite sensitive ears)

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And the endlessness that you fear… (What you really fear is crapping on your train and not being able to rub it off when you scoot across the studio flooring)

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You are pulled from the wreckage… (Or from pajamas that let your junk hang out)

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Of your silent reverie…. (We all know “misery” would have been a better word than “reverie” right there but Sarah had to be all artsy and stuff – just like this clever Hawaiian-themed tank is all artsy…and stuff)

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You’re in the arms of an angel…. (Or in the grip of a – what the crap is that thing?!)

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May you find some comfort here… (Because nothing has ever looked more comfortable than this Blossom relic)

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Some comfort here. (Unless you try to pee into your dress and then everything is going to get all moist and uncomfortable really quickly.)

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After the clothing shoot, they attempted to give the dogs back their dignity in a collar photo shoot.

But it was too late. The damage was too deep, too cutting to the core of who they were.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance… (While praying to God for deliverance from these flashy-bulb humans)

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For a break that would make it okay… (Does she look like this makes it okay? She does not.)

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There’s always some reason to feel not good enough… (Like the memory of all. those. dresses.)

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And it’s hard at the end of the day… (Because your belly is chafed from all the wardrobe changes)

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I need some distraction, oh beautiful release… (Seriously release me so I can go eat grass until I vomit) 

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Memories Seep from my veins… (Of hoping desperately that the bright light would be a UFO coming to rescue me)

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Let me be empty….  (Seriously I’ve had to pee for hours)

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And weightless and maybe… (Maybe I’ll find a Cone of Shame to wear to feel better about myself)

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I’ll find some peace tonight… (Or at least a pack of feral dogs to drink gutter water with until I forget this day)

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In the Arms of an Angel. (Or this Skull and Crossbones Sweater Vest. Because all humans who wear sweater vests also just LOVE skulls and crossbones.)

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For just sixty cents a day, you can rescue one of these dogs from the misery of a modeling career.

The Model’s Commentary.

I admit it. I do so much shopping on Hautelook (okay – all of my shopping), that I’ve gotten to know the models.

Each one and I have a special bond. I especially appreciate their ability to show me their true feelings about the clothes they model – because HauteLook has some awesome stuff, and they have some awful stuff. The models speak subtly with their eyes, as if they’re whispering it just to me so that their photographer can’t hear.

One of these lace shirts will make you happy and peaceful. The other will give you PMS.

HauteLook

Recently, I’ve gotten to know two models particularly well. Let’s call them Shelby and Chloe.

Their thoughts have been louder than usual, and I felt that they might need documenting.

Let’s start with Shelby.

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Shelby’s kind of in a bad place right now…

That’s because I am NOT Wendy and I am NOT starring in a live-action filming of Peter Pan and WHAT ARE THESE THINGS THEY’VE ROPED TO MY FEET!?

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Thanks, but I prefer to not wear my shower curtain.

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If you’re going to make me look like Cindy Lou Who, at least give me cool hair.

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This dress is camouflage. BARK camouflage. Just in case someone wants to go strapless while hunting grubs?

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Oh hooray. I can get mistaken for the technician next time I take my dog to the vet.

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Seriously. Seriously? This shirt looks like a mistake. From every angle. Even my thigh gap can’t fix this.

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I can’t even.

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Why do you hate me.IMG_0853

You found these shoes in the gardening department of Wal-Mart. Didn’t you.

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So you’re saying you’re trying to pass this off as a…dress….

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I quit, guys. I. Quit.

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Many of us can relate to Shelby, who has landed in the employment mire of resentful resignation and acceptance, and has begun to look for a new job.

But now lets meet Chloe, who is still in a state of bewilderment at the ensembles arranged for her like a toddler with a milk crate full of Barbie clothes.

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DO YOU SEE WHAT IS ON MY FEET. 1998 is on my feet.

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In what world do these four pieces of clothing look normal together. I look like that crazy lady who works down at the DMV.

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These pants come with a coupon for 20% off your first month at Retirement Village!

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I have a 24 inch waist. TWENTY FOUR. Do you even KNOW how many carbs I gave up for that? And then you do THIS to it?!

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Did you just make my belly button look off-centered? Because I think you made my belly-button look off-centered.

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Please tell me you’ll be airbrushing.

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I hate you so hard right now.

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Let’s all take a moment to acknowledge: modeling isn’t as glamorous as we imagined. And let’s add Shelby and Chloe’s job search to our prayer lists.