Chris, upon changing Noah’s clothes for bed…
“Um, how did Noah get a third nipple?”
Well, you see, it’s a long story, babe.
It all started with a successful mall trip.
Too successful, really – I should have been suspicious of the trouble headed my way. I had managed to make it to two stores that I needed to go to, return two items to said stores, score a pair of $1.99 pajamas for Noah, let Ali spend some money she’d been saving, meet our friends and NONE OF OUR FOUR KIDS EVER CRIED, eat lunch, AND have a first two-kidded carousel ride – again with the no crying part.
Yes, successful indeed. I walked out of the mall, patting myself on the back while applying my SuperMom badge.
We arrived at the car and I parked the stroller beside it to begin the grueling process of loading two kids, baggage, and a stroller into the car. Right as I initiated my stroller emergency brake, a lady in scrubs walked up.
Wait a minute – those aren’t scrubs.
That, my friends, is a scrubs-colored pant suit – scrubs-blue from head to foot, and not because it was her required uniform.
Wow.
As I was pondering her wardrobial choices, I realized she was headed for the car directly next to mine. To which my stroller was blocking the way.
Of all the hundreds of cars in this parking deck and thousands of cars at the mall in general, and she HAD to be parked in the one right next to me, ON the side that I was utilizing for child loading. Awesome.
Augh. I had a lot of unloading and shuffling to do to get out of her way.
Ali in the car.
Bags in the car.
Purse in the car, WITHOUT the keys – keys in my hand.
So far so good.
She was waiting patiently, not yet tapping her OHMYGOODNESS HER SHOES MATCH HER PANT SUIT foot, but I could tell the tapping was gonna start any minute.
I started getting faster.
I pulled Noah out of the stroller, but his paci clip got hung on his stroller and ripped off.
Now I was holding Noah, paci clip, and trying to figure out how to close the stroller one-handedly to get it out of her way – foot tapping would NOT wait for me to put Noah in the car first – I could sense it.
I had to ditch something, so I quickly reapplied the paci clip with the zero free hand that I had.
This was the wrong decision.
Noah immediately looked shocked and started crying – dang it!! What have I done?!?!
I unclipped the paci clip, frightened at what I thought I did.
I lowered his shirt and looked.
I had indeed. I had clipped his paci clip one layer too deep.
Thoughts started flooding my mind…
I AM A HORRIBLE, DESPICABLE, NO GOOD MOM.
…but wow – that looks exactly like a third nipple.
I AM AWFUL, DESERVING THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF PUNISHMENT.
I wonder how long he’ll have a third nipple from this incident…and will he name it Nubbin’?
I AM THE SCUM ON THE BOTTOM OF A SCUM’S SHOE.
I can’t believe a paci clip company could make such a dangerous product…after all, it’s all their fault, right?
NO NO NO. IT’S MINE. ALL MINE. I DESERVE TO BE EATEN BY R.O.U.S. WHILE BURNING IN A FIRE SWAMP.
I still can’t believe how much that looks like a nipple. The design of that paci clip jaw is uncanny.
I finally managed to close my gigantic stroller zerohandedly, comfort my baby about his new feature, and get tri-nippled baby into the car.
Did I just hear a foot tap?!?
I glared at her car through my window. I hope you’re happy with the price I paid!!
(Or Noah paid, rather.)
…And that, dear husband, is how your son got his third nipple.
Glad the photo was included…it really rounded out the post. :)
LOL. Just to make you feel better, I’m told that my dad once accidentally pinned my cloth diaper (the old-school kind) to my bottom and then couldn’t figure out why I was crying. I survived without being scarred for life.
OUCH!!!! Yes, I feel better now.
It’s amazing what was baby-safe a few years ago – and now all the trouble I have to go to just to change the batteries in a toy!!
Awe! Poor Noah! That is most definitely a third nipple. You have to update us on how long the poor guy has to be burdened with this. I will not tell AK of his ailment as to not cloud her opinion of him. She did tell me he was one sweet guy and thought it generous of him to share his toys, even if he wouldn’t share his paci. Lol.
Yes, I’d hate for her to go all Chandler’s-One-Legged-Girlfriend on him and expect him to get a Nipplectomy because it grossed her out.
Awww, poor thing. I bet that hurt. Hope that woman felt bad for rushing you. Move slower next time.
Wow, that really DOES look like a third nipple! There really should be a racing-car-load event in the Mommy Olympics.
Oh most definitely. And if you ding the person’s car next to you with your door, you lose style points.
If it helps any, I did it too. Only, my son was just a couple of weeks old. Major guilt. He’s a happy eleven-month-old today with no extra nipples.
Oh I feel for you – even the slightest pang at that age is so guilt-ridden. Glad he’s extra-nipple-free today!!
Your post made me go, oh poor Noah…but, Tina B’s just made me go, “ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!” It could’ve been worse, I guess. Sorry that had to happen. Truly, Noah looks none the worse for wear!!
He did get over it shockingly fast. Apparently, the look of the bite is worse than the feel of the bite.
Glad to hear that, because I was feeling a bit guilty over how much we laughed. I giggled so much I had to read it out loud to my sister and husband. Hubby pulled over to see the picture… He couldn’t wait after hearing the exclamations. Baby injuries shouldn’t be so entertaining, but we couldn’t help it!
It’s incredible how much that does look like a third nipple. Hope there wasn’t too much bruising.
It’s one of those things that I laugh at, but I really shouldn’t – ya know? He’s completely better now, so my mind (and yours) should be at ease!!!
Oh, the title of this post drew me in. Well, actually, all of your titles do that, I’m just not a great blogger these days to actually click over.
Poor Noah. All in the name of rushing around for the lady in the scrub colored clothes. Did she really tap the foot? Please say no. That Noah is such a cutie!
I think she did manage to hold off the foot tapping. Although after the nippling, I was too distracted to glance back at her feet.
Thanks for the laughS. I have done the same – but not because I was hurried by a pant suit shoe matching toe tapper and mine didn’t result in a 3rd nipple. Hope your son gets back to just being a double nippler soon! And you forgive yourself in the meantime! :)
It’s looking like a much less noticeable nipple today, thank goodness!!
Lol, that really does look like a third nipple! Glad it wasn’t too traumatizing for him! :)
Oh and S really does have a “third nipple” according to the doctor. It is the faintest brown mark that you can’t even see unless you are purposely looking for it, about three inches down from her right nipple. The doctor says that’s what it is. I never even noticed it until our Dr. pointed it out. Glad Noah’s won’t stay with him. But that would be pretty awesome if he named it nubbin! :)
It makes you wonder what happened to the fourth one, doesn’t it? I mean if she’s going to have extras, she might as well have the whole row.
The third nipple similarity is too weird! But I’ve twice (!) pinched Willow’s tummy when buckling her car seat and I still feel terrible about it. It makes me feel a bit better to know others have done the same. (Although as I read what I just typed I’m wondering what kind of horrible person feels BETTER just because MORE children have been injured!)
Oh yes – I remember doing that to Ali once. How dare they make all these child-unsafe products, but still expect us to have screwdrivers on hand at all times just to change a simple battery!!!
Well, now you have to start calling him “Chandler Bing.”
That’s pretty much going to be his legacy.
Nubbin. =)
I am inflicting pain on my daughter almost everyday just trying to comb her hair and so far, she’s okay. Walks in circles at times and snaps her head when she hears a spray bottle, but she’s fine. His adorableness will outweigh the nubbin. This one little thing will be a fun little tale to tell when he gets girlfriends!
Incredibly precious little boy!
hilarious!! but really only because I can totally commiserate! It’s amazing Salem ever forgave me for doing it to him. His looked less nipple-ish and more like a neck-hickie! :)
I want so badly to feel bad for Noah, but I am laughing so hard, that it would just seem false at this point! I also applaud both the nubbin and R.O.U.S. shout outs! I adore you!!
I can always count on you to get my references. In fact, you would be a perfect library of Ready-To-Use references. Could you write me up a handy guide book of future references to fit into blog posts?? That would be great.
Oh my goodness, you MUST save that photo and use it as blackmail when he’s in highschool, lol! LOVE it!
I am NOT laughing that Noah got a boo boo however I AM laughing at the numbered photograph. Very organized.
Why thank you!! We do try to keep our nipples in a neat and orderly fashion around here.
Scrub-colored pantsuit–that is hilarious!
Poor Noah, hope the “nipple” has healed properly (disappeared) :)
Aw Poor Noah, but you really make me laugh! I love how you numbered the nipples for us just to be sure we didn’t get mixed up or anything. Ha ha! :) Another story for the ages!
If Chandler can look past the leg then ginger should look past the nubin… poor Noah. I am glad better…