The Moment of Truth: Special Debate Edition

OK – This blog is about a month too late to be at it’s peak of funniness, but it was such a great idea, I have to post it anyway. This is a brainchild of my husband’s – an idea that I think could have gone far as a Saturday Night Live sketch. Obviously, writing it out won’t do it justice, so I need you to visualize the SNL sketch of this in your head while reading.

If you haven’t ever seen “The Moment of Truth”, please don’t. It is a horrible and cruel show (but somewhat like the worst train wreck imaginable – so hard not to watch once you start). But the basic idea is that they ask contestants horrible questions in front of their closest family and friends and a live studio audience, and if they tell the truth based on an earlier lie detector test, and ruin their lives by doing so, they can win money. Once they get up to about $100,000 or so, they will ask them a vague question like “Do you think you are a good person?”, and the person’s answer will be deemed false and they will lose it all, resulting in ruining their life for nothing.

Anyway, with that long introduction, here is our sketch.

Host (Mark): Hi, I’m Mark Wahlberg – you might remember me from the Funky Bunch, or the New Kids, and I am the host of “The Moment of Truth”! Tonight we have a special edition. FOX was contracted to host a democratic debate, but decided at the last minute to host the contestants on “The Moment of Truth” instead. So tonight we have two contestants: Senator Barack Obama and Senator Hillary Clinton.

We will start with Senator Obama.

Now, you will be asked up to 15 questions, each one getting harder than the last. If you can make it to the top, you can win $500,000 to donate to the underprivileged American of your choice. Let’s begin questioning:

Mark: Question One: Have you ever referred to your competitor, Senator Clinton, as “whitey”?
Obama: Yes.
Dramatic Computerized Voice (DCV): That answer is. . . . . . . TRUE.

Mark: Now we have a guest that will ask you your next question. Our guest is. . . Rush Limbaugh.

Rush: Senator Obama, were you ACTUALLY offended when a caller into my show said that her 11 year old daughter thought you looked like Curious George?
Obama: No.
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . TRUE.
Mark: Would you care to elaborate?
Obama: We all know that Curious George has his faults. He’s overly nosy, he makes mischief, and though I may read his books on the campaign trail, I am not responsible for everything the silly little monkey does.

Mark: Ok, Senator Obama. The questions are about to get harder. Are you sure you want to continue?
Obama: I think if America is going to move forward, its critical that I press on in our quest for the truth, and I…
Mark: Of … course. Here is your next question: Have you ever supported a Muslim terrorist organization?
Obama: Fidget, folding hands, YES.
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . TRUE.
Mark: Would you like to expound on that?
Obama: Yes, it was just one time, it was just a small insignificant donation. My support for the Al-Quaeda Children’s Hospital is a side issue. It has nothing to do with my running for president. Anyone who wants to focus on that issue is being divisive. We need to come together and concentrate on the issues that Americans truly care about.

Mark: Now that you have withdrawn your membership from your Church and publicly disassociated yourself from your family’s pastor of 20 years, do you intend to return kiss-up campaign donations from Jeremiah Wright?
Obama: Uh-oh. No.
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . TRUE.

Mark: There is a lot of talk about the “dream ticket” with you and Senator Clinton together? Are you worried about Bill Clinton nosing in on your presidency if she is chosen as the VP?
Obama: Is the sky blue? Is the grass green? Am I black? Of course!
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . TRUE.

Mark: If you get elected, do you REALLY plan on changing the way politics are done in Washington?
Obama: True! That is my main goal!
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . FALSE.
Mark: Oh, I’m sorry Senator Obama. Unfortunately, you have just admitted to terrorist activities and cost yourself your chance in the white house for nothing. Your pre-selected disadvantaged American will be receiving nothing, just like the rest of America. Thank you for being on our show.

Mark: OK, let’s move on to Senator Hillary Clinton.

Mark: Let’s start with an easy question that everyone already knows the answer to. Have you and your husband Bill had more than 50 people killed for your own political gain and/or C.Y.A.?
Clinton: rolling eyes, Of course not. Ha Ha.
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . TRUE, but just barely.

Mark: Is Chelsea really your daughter?
Clinton: No.
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . TRUE.

Mark: Would you care to elaborate on that?
Clinton: Well, there’s just no possible way that Bill and I could have had a child together.
Bill Clinton, from the couch: And I would like to clarify that that is HER fault, not MINE!
Mark: Senator Clinton, Would you like to expound on that?
Clinton: No.

Mark: Let’s continue in this line of questioning. Did you force your daughter, Chelsea, to have plastic surgery when your husband became president because she couldn’t seem to get past her “awkward phase’?
Clinton: Yes.
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . TRUE.

Mark: Were you paying Monica Lewinsky, ahem, under the table during her time as an intern so that Bill would leave you alone?
Clinton: True.
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . TRUE.

Mark: Is it true that you can’t believe that Senator Obama has taken such a large delegate lead over you since he is black?
Clinton: Well, that depends on what your definition of “is” is.
DCV: That answer is. . . . . . . CRAP.

Mark: I’m sorry Mrs. Clinton. No rewards for economically marginalized Americans today.