Zulily Lace and a Pretty Face.

Hey – you know what?

It’s almost Christmas.

Or at least according to Zulily.

And you do not want to miss out on your one chance all year long to have “Ho Ho Ho” embroidered on your daughter’s butt.

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Also. I get that Santa is this nebulous somewhere-between-human-and-angelic-hosts kind of guy, but I still don’t want my daughter professing love for him or anyone else on her hind regions.

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And then there’s this piece. There is so much about it that confuses me.

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In case you can’t read that lovely font, it says “Santa’s Lil Diva Loves Couture.”

The only explanation I can come up with is that the back says “But my Mommy will only dress me in this so SEND HELP NOW.”

So I guess I won’t be doing my Christmas shopping at Zulily.

However, this would make an awesome baby shower gift.

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“Perfect to wear in an airport, a carnival, or to Wal-Mart!”

Can you even begin to imagine the flocks of creeptastic strangers that shirt would magnetize?

This one is much more reflective of the expecting mother’s soul.

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Nothing says “We’re your completely normal neighbors” like this lawnsculpting choice:

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Also, little is more comforting than the Travelocity Talking Gnome at the edge of your yard.

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I just hope that he spontaneously starts conversation with passerby.

The Rooster’s severe neck-cramp is the least puzzling thing about this accessory.

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Fanning Roosters aren’t your thing? No worries! There are options!

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When it comes to dinnertime, I never feel hungry unless I can eat off of a shoe.

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…especially if there is proper toe-division – it really gives that authentic toe-jam feel to my guacamole.

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I got a text from my friend Christen one day alerting me to drop my kids right then and hop onto Zulily – she didn’t want me to miss Adult Hooded Footie Pajama Day!

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Because nothing says “My Mom still pours my cereal for me” like a fully-grown man in AHFPs.

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Or “when I signed up to be a male model, this was not what I envisioned.”

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In other news, if Honey Boo Boo were to attend Abby Lee Miller’s dance studio, she would most certainly be wearing these shorts.

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And Zulily is doing a fabulous job of recreating the reputation of the whale tail.

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My favorite Zulily find ever, the Crotch-Munching Ladybug, is back and cheekier than ever,

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And she brought a very hungry friend.

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I’m not sure which is worse – those teeth or their insistence of bringing happiness.

The only thing I can assume is that some of these clothes are imported from Venus and they have a very different child-fashion-scene there, where protruding elephant trunks are highly regarded.

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“Helps soften the impact when running into walls!”

And where it’s normal to get your toddler to run on a treadmill, or hop, if they follow the footprints.

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(Which includes a calorie counter. Because all toddlers should be tracking.)

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Recently, we’ve talked about monogramming. Many times, we’ve talked about smock. So it makes sense that Zulily would pick this very week to combine the two in a glorious upheaval of humanity.

I am positive that the panel of smock on this piece was an afterthought to increase the selling value of the item in question.

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But on this one, the smock left no room, so it required a side-monogram. Just in case you forget who that right thigh belongs to.

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If you’re looking to get the least bang for your buck on complete and utter un-resaleability of your kid’s items, then by all means – go with a personalized kitchenette.

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But of course you’ll need one for each individual kid – after all, only one name fits.

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And for the little men monogrammees out there, you’ve always got the option of completely illegible fake ties.

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(For the record, I actually am ordering a monogrammed item this week. This cape with an N will be Noah’s.)

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But in case you prefer lace over smock and monogram, I found you this.

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And this, which includes $43.01 of free lace!

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So go dress those babies. And dress them well.

Zulily Strikes Back.

I used Christmas shopping as an excuse to go on a bit of a Zulily bender.

As such, when I got my credit card bill, it read something like this:

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Amazon
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Nabeel’s
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Nabeel’s
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Amazon

(Multiplied by 32.)

So I decided that I better put that little app aside for a long while, even if it did mean ending my Zulily Blog Series.

And I did.

…until a couple of weeks ago, when I got a notification that I quite mysteriously had a $20 credit. The only thing I can figure is that Zulily was distraught that I didn’t write a Twelve Days O’ Mocking Zulily Christmas Post.

(I’m kind of disappointed too, now that I think about it.)

And so I coasted back down that slippery slope into the land of Smock and Weird…and Weird Smock.

Like this piece, which I’m sure I will be seeing this summer, because nothing personifies The South better than spandex, camouflage, flip flops, and smock:

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If Honey Boo Boo doesn’t wear that for the swimsuit portion of her next pageant, there’s no justice in Dixie.

Male Smock makes me a bit misty-eyed, knowing that my son will never get to experience such pageantry due to husbandly rulings (and wife agreeings.)

(And yes, for the record, Ali did wear one smock one time. Then I washed that smock and it came out so wrinkled that it never stood a chance for a rematch.)

When it comes to Male Smock, you want to make sure that you dress them with appropriate career aspirations.

If you think that your precious rugrat is a genius that needs only the proper inspiration the achieve greatness, then this is the smock for you:

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But if you suspect that he’s more suited to bulldozing large piles of chocolate chip cookie dough to and fro, then Zulily has that covered, too.

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If your husband insists that you keep your Male Smock Tendencies a private affair, not to worry – you can always go with the Musical Smock Pillow Option (MSPO.)

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And if your daughter is rebelliously opposed to The Smock Look (as I was when a child,) you can help the brainwashing along by buying her this:

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It could have changed everything for my Mother.

Not into smock?

No worries!

Zulily has a plethora of Alternative Easter Sunday Options!

Because you really can’t say “He is Risen” better than you can with bedazzling and awkwardly placed tulle.

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And if you want to make sure that you’re raising the next Kardashianesque Reality Star, make sure that you thoroughly pad your daughter’s little self-esteem with this top*:

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* Faux glitter tears not included.

Easter, Reality Show Dreams, Smock Needs – Zulily solves all sorts of problems.

But wait – that’s not all!!

Have you been dressing your infant in softspot–to–toejam bows, yet still find that you’re not getting enough affirmation from your friends and family for your efforts?

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If so, then buy this jewel – it will help reinforce your absolute and utter Bowing Superiority.

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The above shirt is highly recommended with the following beanie-bow – the best option to ensure that their entire scalp circumference is properly adorned.

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So neither bows or smock are your thing. Let’s say you’re more of an animal print Momma.

Do you feel that all of the infant animal print offerings are too figurative?

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Giving just a taste of the print you crave, but not enough to make a full statement?

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Yes, Zulily carries those too,

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But they also carry the more literal interpretation that you have been searching for all of your life.

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Because you just can’t go wrong with three-dimensional trunks springing from your child’s chest and padded paws from her crotch.

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But you must consider your child’s needs, too.

Every single time I survey infants to seek out their preferences, one of their chief complaints is the lack of breathable clothing.

“More holes,” they say.

“Less warmth!”

Zulily is here for you, baby.

Clothe your little bundle of sweat with the flexibility and breathability offered by twelve inches of rhinoceros intestinal tract!

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Not recommended in areas where wasps or bees may be present, as they may mistake your child’s chest for their nest.

If you find that your little one really gets on with this no-shirt look, then on their next romper, skip the torso altogether and go for The Fly Fishing Look:

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But Zulily doesn’t just solve clothing conundrums.

No!

Does your infant disapprove of a thermometer being jammed into his sphincter?

There’s only one thing that can turn that frown upside down – letting porky do the dirty work.

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Or, if they prefer nose over tail, let Dumbo take on the job.

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But all of the above was the boring stuff.

Women’s Shoes are Where. It’s. At.

I leave you this collection with no commentary, because any amount of narration would pale in comparison to the products at hand.

Please scroll slowly.

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And all of the Lady Gaga impersonators said Amen.

Zulily: I Can’t Help Myself.

I’ve been trying to stay away.

Really, I have.

I came to the conclusion that my Zulily purchases were pure fluff – not things that I needed for the propagation of my family.

Wait…that’s not quite the right word.  They weren’t NECESSITIES.  You know what I mean.

However.  I ended up with a credit because something didn’t fit right (Zulily is really nice when it comes to credits), and so I began my daily Zulily browsing habit again.

And I must say, I had missed the entertainment.  Now if I could only get the entertainment without the shopping temptation…

But really – who could resist an Eggplant Romper?

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And what kid doesn’t want Strawberry Crotch?

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(Thank goodness they stitched an explanation on those shorts – just in case you were confused and thought it was, perhaps, an albino tomato.)

Or on a bad day, Ladybug Crotch?

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The mid-munch quality of those cheeks is by far the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in at least 26 Zulily Browses.

And for the kid who already has everything (sewn on their crotch), it’s such a relief to know that you can now purchase Two-Pandas-In-A-Helicopter Crotch.

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This next one tempted me based on price alone. I mean, how GREAT must a pair of hideously sewn grey shorts BE to originally cost $67??

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If I bought these, I’d be getting nearly a whole leg of those ugly shorts for FREE!!!

And free is better than ugly any day.

Zulily also has a way of transporting me to a land of nostalgia long ago lost in the gifting and re-gifting of highly favored wedding presents

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And then there was this one…apparently, for child stilt-walkers.

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For the Mother who doesn’t discriminate between different types of tastes and prefers them to be all thrown together, this next one might be The Trifecta of all that Zulily stands for.

Smock, Animal Prints, And Peace Signs.  All wrapped up in one fantastic bikini.

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And since there’s no better way to declare your Angelicness than writing it with RHINESTONES on the BUTT of SKIN TIGHT LEGGINGS, Zulily has you covered…kinda.

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And of course there’s the DJ Lance Costumes.  Because what parent doesn’t want their kid to grow up to be an exceptionally odd, seemingly tripping, curiously tall adult who dances with puppets?

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But you know what you’ve gotta do if you REALLY want to be a good example… right?

Get the matching adult costume.

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That father and son duo would beat any Hanna Andersson matching outfit set EVER.

(Even the plaid Christmas pajamas.)

My favorite discovery, though… perhaps my favorite Zulily item ever – is this one:

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The tie chair.

In many, many different patterns,

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…to keep your kids from falling when a high chair isn’t available.

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You know – it’s for safety.

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Does that kid look like she needs to be tied in a chair for safety?

Nope.

We all know what it’s really for.

It’s to get your kid to sit still for one blinkin’ minute so that you don’t have to repeat 56 times,

“Get back in your chair – it’s dinner time!”

“No – come back.  Don’t smear your strawberry into the couch!!”

“Stop licking the floor! SIT BACK DOWN IN YOUR SEAT!!”

“KETCHUP DOESN’T CLEAN WINDOWS.”

“IF YOU SHOVE ONE MORE GREEN BEAN BETWEEN THE PIANO KEYS, I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW WELL GREEN BEANS CAN BE SHOVED!!!”

Let’s call it what it is, people.

Mealtime Bondage.

And a mighty good idea.