Because We Need an Unexpected Presidential Gift.

GUYS. The weekend. AmIRight? It was my birthday weekend and the world had to fall apart. HOW DARE IT.

Anyway. Y’all don’t come to me to hear my political views (I do have them, believe it or not) – y’all come to me for escapism.

I was saddened last night, on my birthday, that I had nary an entertaining thought to offer myself or anyone else about anything because all of the UGH that is blanketing our country. But then I remembered a post I did a while back on Presidential Christmas Gifts, and decided I’d see what Amazon had to offer on our current presidential candidates.

Thankfully, Amazon never disappoints.

Now. There were plenty of disrespectful gifts available, such as toilet paper, dog poop bags, and nutcrackers. But I tried to keep my picks to only the strange – not the hateful. Hateful is easy – bizarre is harder.

Some of these gifts are lovingly available for both candidates, so we shall pit them against each other in a gifting debate and determine the winner, category by category. I am the perfect impartial judge, because I have the exact same feelings for both of them – and will be voting for someone else (who doesn’t have any weird gift items in his likeness – so maybe he wins.)

But feel free to weigh in with your own vote – ON THE GIFTS, not the candidates. (We’ve all had enough of that now, haven’t we?)

Okay. Let’s get started.

1 Trump and Hillary Guitar Picks. Did you know that you can strum a little ditty with Don and the Hill? Of course you can. It’s 2016.

Trump Gifts

Clinton Gifts

On Debate Guitar Pick, I’m going with Trump. At least his mouth is open (but then again isn’t it always) and he looks like he’s singing along. Hillary looks condescendingly bored with your tune.

2. Trump and Hillary Socks. Because your feet are feeling the chill of this election.

Hillary Clinton Gag Gifts

Donald Trump Gag Gifts

 

In Debate Sock, Hillary wins. Trump’s socks do not feel cozy at all – they’re stressing my feet out. However, Trump does have an alternate option, some fabulously Hairy Socks – so he earns an honorable mention.

Donald Trump Gag Gifts(I mean, whose cat wouldn’t have an absolute FIELD DAY chasing around those Deplorables?!)

3. Hero Shirts.

Hillary gently saves the day as a Fair Maiden on a Unicorn,

Hillary on a Unicorn T-Shirt

And Trump rides in as a crazed lunatic on a tank.

Trump on a Tank T-Shirt

In Debate Hero Shirt, Clinton wins for the dreamlike vision. Although Trump’s is severely more realistic.

4. Trump and Hillary “Herb” Grinders – I guess in case you need a little chill from this election.

Donald Trump Gag GiftsHillary Clinton Gag Gifts

In Debate “Herb” Grinders, Trump wins – because those wrinkles on Hillary’s neck are anything but high.

5. Hillary and Trump Doggie Chew Toys. Or toddler cuddle toys – if your kid enjoys Stephen King bedtime stories.

 

Hillary Clinton Chew ToyDonald Trump Chew Toy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Debate Chew Toy, the reward goes to Hillary. Those cheeks are positively irresistible – and Trump’s look more like his buttcheeks moved upward. Also – that hair would be a petri dish for bacteria.

6. Chia Trump and Chia Hillary Classic Presidential Fun right here.

Donald Trump Dirty Santa GiftsHillary Clinton Dirty Santa Gifts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Debate Chia, Trump wins – the face and hair look significantly more realistic, not to mention the perfect skin tone.

Now let’s move on to the Lightning Round – gifts only available for one candidate or the other.

The Rainbow Pantsuit T-Shirt – for when you’re feeling like a pantsuit but the occasion calls for something a bit more laidback.

Hillary Clinton T-Shirt

The Trumputin shirt – because all true saviors ride in pairs, shirtless, on a pig.

Trump Putin Shirt

 

The Pantsuit Action Figure – in case your daughter’s Barbies and son’s army men are With Her.

Clinton Action Figure

The Trump Piñata – rumor has it Melania had a party with one of these Friday night. Trump Pinata

The “Make America Great Again” Bucket Hat – because nothing – nothing I say – says greatness like a bucket hat.Trump Bucket Hat

The Trump Knife – perfect for all occasions – cleaning toenails, gutting fish, Trump rallies, and more!

Trump Pocket Knife

A Child’s First Book of Trump – It’s just words, people. Just words.

Trump Book for Children

But really, really good words.

Trump Book for Children

So who wins this debate of gifting?

Dirty Santa, that’s who.

Gifts for the Lego Lover

List of Lego Gift Ideas

Thanks to a swarm of Christmas and birthdays, I’ve been tipped off to, have searched for, and have randomly found a plethora of Lego-Themed gifts. A bunch of it showed up in Chris’ stocking, to which he kept exclaiming, “How did you even find this stuff??”

So, in order to help you all find Lego goodness, here’s my comprehensive list of Lego, Lego-ish, or Lego compatible goodies I’ve discovered lately.

1. Oyo Sports Lego Sets – a friend messaged me on Facebook about these one morning in December. I woke up, looked at my phone, read her message, and literally ordered them before I got out of bed. As expected, they were pretty much my Best Present Ever for Chris. How else could I combine the two most integral components of my husband’s personality? Yes. Fully licensed Alabama Football Lego-compatible bricks.

IMG_6340

They also have many other college football teams (including Auburn), along with NFL teams, hockey, and Baseball.

But Alabama Football was enough for my family, and they are enjoying their sets immensely.

IMG_6339

I got Chris two Endzone sets and a couple of extra players (yes, they have actual players – but only the ones who have graduated off the team – stupid NCAA rules and all), but I was distressed over the fact that they had no mid-field sets. Of course, right after Christmas, they released mid-fields. I’m sure I will be buying him one for Father’s Day or some other such excuse.

(But he’s still fully entertained with his endzones.)

2. Buildable Mug – I bought one of these for Chris, waiting expectantly for what all fantastic creations he’d build onto his morning coffee.

Lego Coffee Mug

Image via Amazon

He loves it and consistently drinks his coffee out of it,

but has yet to build a single blasted creation onto it – His mug still looks like this:

Lego Mug

I can’t say that I’m not disappointed. HORRIBLY disappointed.

But I shall continue to wait in hope and expectation of greater things still to come.

3. For Birmingham Lego Lovers, you absolutely MUST procure family Lego Vulcan T-Shirts.

I cannot express how excited I was when I happened across these shirts by Optik Citizens on Instagram – to combine our city’s unique pantsless statue with our love of Legos…it was a moment of inspiration.

IMG_6382

Aren’t they fabulous?

They also have stickers for cars and computers or whatnot. To order any of these, you will need to email the artists directly – ocbham (at) gmail (dot) com – especially for the kid’s shirts, which had to be specially ordered (but still only $15.) But they’re easy to work with and quick to fulfill orders.

4. Lego Card Making Kit – Seriously I am on a roll with combining passions. Ali loves Legos and crafts, especially sending people cards. So I knew she needed this set.

Lego Card Making Kit

Image Via Amazon

…Though I haven’t actually seen any cards come out of production yet – I think she may have hidden them all in one of her many undisclosed hoarding locations.

5. Emmet Jacket – we bought this for Noah for our Halloween outfit set, but it has become his favorite winter accessory. He would rather be Emmet than “boy-wearing-nondescript-jacket” any day.

Lego Movie Emmet Costume

And I don’t blame him one bit.

6. Unikitty Crocheted Hat – Speaking of our Halloween outfits, Ali has also become quite accustomed to being Unikitty – I hope that she can break the trend before spring, or her head is going to mildew.

Princess Unikitty Hat

We got her hat custom-made at a very reasonable price by a long-time blog reader, Stephanie, who has a serious crocheting talent. I texted her a picture of what I wanted, and she made it within a week – without a pattern. She has the Unikitty hat available in her shop here. She also makes a wicked awesome Lego Scarf, if you ask nicely.

7. Silicone Lego Molds – These can be used to make Jell-O or Candy – both of which I’ve done and my children have adored. Click on either picture for more details:

IMG_2624

IMG_4949

You can also use the molds to make soap, candles, crayons, or anything else you can think of to melt and pour in them.

There are now also sets with bigger molds that would be great for making cakes – I might try that next. Or I might just stick with….

8. Lego Head Cake Pops. Made by my good friend Jamie (and shippable anywhere in the U.S.), these dreamily delicious treats are my family’s favorite cake. Chris has gotten them in his stocking multiple times, and Noah had them for his birthday a couple of years ago. Did I mention they’re adorable?? Especially when your husband custom-builds a stand for them.

IMG_4943

Jamie takes special orders and can literally make anything into cake pops – from snowglobes to tacky Christmas sweaters to the poop emoji. She also recently tried her hand at Lego Movie Cake Pops, and they were fairly brilliant.

Lego Movie Cake Pop SetImage by Jamie

9. Lego Minifigure Sets – My husband readily admits that minifigures are the best part of Legos. I’ve already bought him all of these sets, or I’d totally keep buying him one a year. But they’re his fave, and the characters included are quite fantastic.

Minifig SetImage Via Amazon

10. Lego Candy Blocks – Noah’s favorite treat, he gets these anytime he can find them. In fact, it may be one of my chief bribery tactics to get him to go for a run with me…

Lego CandyImage Via Amazon

11. Lego Brick Slippers – We do not own these because we are not a slipper family, but if perchance you are a slipper family AND love Legos, well, here’s your stocking stuffer.

 

Lego SlippersImage Via Amazon

12. Lego Crayons – if you don’t have time to make your own but need them for a birthday party, then Amazon has you covered, as always. And who doesn’t want to color with a Lego minifig head?

Lego CrayonsImage via Amazon

13. Lego iPhone Case – If my husband didn’t insist on as slim of a case as possible, he would definitely have this. I kinda love it and I’m the only non-Master-Builder in our family. Just think of the handle you could build to keep your iPhone comfortably snug in your hand!

Lego iPhone CaseImage Via Amazon

14. Lego Candles – No Lego Birthday party is complete without these. Enough said.

Lego CandlesImage Via Amazon

15. Lego Business Card Holder – For the man that’s not afraid to show his true passions in the workplace, this should go right next to a photo of him making out with his wife.

Lego Business Card HolderImage Via Amazon

What great Lego-Themed gifts have you found?

Your Worst Nightmares…Stuffed.

I don’t understand why I just found out about this – it should have been breaking news. My friend should have known. I should have been told immediately.

But alas, I wasn’t told until weeks later.

But at least I was told.

A friend of ours gave another friend of ours a very special Christmas gift.

A stuffed louse.

gmus-pd-0460_louse_cluster

That’s right, people. A cuddly, lovable, adorable member of the head lice family. Because apparently this friend believes in immersion therapy to treat one’s fears.

Within seconds of laying eyes upon the creature, I was on the website, mouth agape, in awe of the brilliance of people who could create 150 disgusting…yet adorable plush creatures. And as a bonus, scientifically accurate!

GIANTmicrobes® are stuffed animals that look like tiny microbes — only a million times actual size!

The core microbial body types (circles, rods, spirals, chains, etc.) are always maintained. But in addition, morphological attributes of real microbes (such as the natural bumps of the rhinovirus, or the strands of flagella on the Salmonella bacterium) are used to create such anthropological features as noses and hair. So while the designs are always intended to be endearing, they are always firmly rooted in science.

I mean really. Who hasn’t always wanted a stuffed Brain-Eating Amoeba?

gmus-pd-0098_bea_cluster

And I’m pretty sure you can get put on a Terrorist Watch List for sending one of these in the mail…

gmus-pd-0015_anthrax_cluster

They also have “Oops – I’m So Sorry” presents…

gmus-pd-0130_chlamydia_cluster

gmus-pd-0150_clap_cluster

Their breast cancer cell is pretty awesome, because it can be cured by being turned inside out.

 

gmus-pd-0104_breastcancer_cluster

And I might have to buy myself an immunoglobulin. Because I need more of them desperately.

gmus-pd-0016_antibody_cluster

 

And I feel like this little guy would make a fantastic Vasectomy Present.

gmus-pd-0710_spermcell_cluster

 

But if you’re looking for a Valentine’s Gift, they have that, too.

You can either give your special someone a precious collection of Herpes, Pox, HPV, Chlamydia and Penicillin,

heart-burned

 

Or if you’re feeling slightly nicer, a Sperm Cell, Egg Cell, Kissing Disease, and Penicillin.

heart-warming

 

They have so many more furry friends, including Athlete’s foot, Bad breath, Botulism, a Diabetes Beta Cell, Diarrhea, E. Coli (which interestingly looks nothing like Diarrhea), Ebola, Fat Cells, Gangrene, a Pimple, Typhoid Fever, and even…Yogurt? Yes. Yogurt.

And if you need them even bigger, they have them in pillow-sized friends.

I mean, why not rest your head on a giant maggot?? And surely if you sleep on a louse, you can’t possibly have head lice – that’d just be too ironic.

I’m personally kind of in love with this site. So if you need a gift for me, you know where to look.

Disclaimer: I was not requested to share these products, nor does the company know I’m doing so. But they’re welcome to send me a pillow-sized staph infection, if they’re so inclined.