Why Me.

Dear Instagram, I know you listen to my conversations and feed me ads accordingly. I can even tell that you’re having Google read my emails and feed me ads that fit into that.

But whatever you read or heard that made you think I am the type of person to buy leggings based on how they look when I sit on the toilet – that was bad information. Very bad.

IMG_4597_thumb

And also – I’ve never – not once – emailed or discussed boiling my family for a delicious Spring Stew.

IMG_4EF9BDB3AF33-1The wine glasses are a nice touch. Stew is always better when steeped in wine. But why are there two wine glasses and a beer bottle for one mother and two small children? If in fact this isn’t just a slow cooker advertisement?

I don’t know which is more offensive – the fact that Barnes and Noble wants my baby to get to coding, or that Amazon thinks I care about my Cat’s IQ. And also I’m pretty sure all cat’s IQs are high enough to fake the test altogether so good luck getting the accurate number you so desire.

IMG_4034_thumbIMG_4029_thumb

 

And there’s nothing quite like looking up a recipe and getting an ad for toe mushrooms underneath it.

IMG_5354.png

But let’s move onto other sightings.

I spotted this reusable bag the other day, if someone forgot to bring one.

IMG_4604_thumb_thumb.jpg

Noah’s school books are constantly testing my ability to keep my serious teacher face on and not laugh like a Junior High boy. I’m pretty sure it’s planned that way to test my holiness.

IMG_3954_thumb

In a related section…

IMG_3167_thumb

And then there’s Fran and her impressively sized..wishes.

IMG_3166_thumb

Can we please leave the bear fat-shaming out of the first grade?

IMG_3888_thumb

Noah never catches the same things I do.

But this time, he had his own conclusions of what they were going for. He added a tiny protrusion to the drawing, then informed me that the page was wrong because “pooping” doesn’t begin or end with the ch blend.

IMG_3890_thumb

I get it, Noah. I get it. What kid would assume that bear was supposed to represent crouch.

And finally, we have an issue of local politics we need to discuss.

I don’t know why I follow the city council on Instagram, but I do.

And because of this, I now do indeed know.

IMG_0808

Yelling loudly in public.

Is illegal.

Now. I’m as much against loud noises as the next guy. Probs way more. But what happened to living in a free country?

And if  I see that you’re about to get run over by a car, can I get a one-time permit to be able to yell loudly at you?

And where would I obtain said permit?

Because if it’s at the DMV, you’re definitely dead.

But I will say that this revelation definitely brightened up our family downtown walk on Saturday.

“And this, kids, is the County Jail. It’s where we’ll come visit you if you ever yell loudly in public again.”

Your Personal Shopper In Waiting.

Have you been itching to house a collection of multicolored Furbys around your neck?

IMG_3773_thumb_thumb

Or are you looking for the perfect sports bra to give you coverage and support you crave as you run your next race?

IMG_4321
Looking for clarity in the many, many boot choices out there?

IMG_4216

Or are you done with boot season and looking for the ideal cool summer sandal?

IMG_4215

I am here for you, and I want to be your personal shopper.

I want to find you distressed denim boots for your every need,

IMG_3684

The perfect shirt with which to impress your boyfriend’s family with your class and sophistication, paired with the most complimentary pants for the outfit.

IMG_3765IMG_0697

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I want to make you sparkle like the star that you are. (Though that criteria might cost you a bit of starry-eyed dough.)

IMG_3764

I don’t want you to feel fenced in by your clothes…

IMG_3688

I want you to reflect your true self in the sheen of your knee!

IMG_3687

And if you’re ready to let your toes peep out while keeping your knees securely covered, I’ve got that look ready to go, too.

IMG_3683

….Or whatever body part you want to let peek out. There’s a peeker choice for all of ‘em.

IMG_5319

….and every combination of ‘em.

IMG_5317

Got tiny scars from getting your gall bladder removed? We will cut your dress so that it shows only the perfect quadrants of your belly.

IMG_3682

Love the high/low look but prefer the backs of your knees to the front? We’ve got you covered/uncovered.

IMG_0693IMG_0692

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whether your style is Little House on the Prairie,

IMG_5316
Queen Victoria meets Green Acres,

IMG_5315

Or Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman,

IMG_5311

IMG_5314

I have you SO covered. I even have you covered if your style is Under the Covers.

IMG_5313

I can even help you find that perfect pair of leggings that hides and minimizes, drawing attention up toward your beautiful face.

IMG_5094
(Nothing to see here, people.)

IMG_5096

But wait! Is your genre KellyAnne Conway at an inauguration party? It’s KellyAnne Conway I’ll give you.

IMG_0241

You want the comfort of a maxi dress and the style of a romper? YES! I can EVEN do that!!

IMG_0236 2

And swimsuits! Yes, swimsuits. Do you want to make sure people know you’re high-strung?

IMG_0240 2

Or poisonous to the touch?

IMG_0239 2

And if you’re a ruffly, girly kind of girl, I will ruffle you from top to bottom.

IMG_0705

And finally. For the ultimate fashion staple, denim.

Have you been reading my jeans posts and want to make sure your pockets aren’t too high? I have fire insurance pants for you.

IMG_0695IMG_0694

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because there’s NOTHING as useful as calf pockets.

I am ready to hear from you. Let me help you with all your fashion needs.

Adult Smash Cakes are the New Promposal.

It’s hard to identify what a decade is about when you’re in the midst of it, but oh-so-easy after they’re over.

The ‘70s didn’t know they’d be remembered for their Disco and groovy polyesters. The ‘80s didn’t imagine we’d mostly recall their patchy vests and Duck Head shorts. And the ‘90s had no idea we would think of them and reminisce on the beautiful days of music.

Okay maybe I’m biased.

However, I believe I have cracked the case on what the twenty-teens will be remembered for.

Their ability to narcissistically turn every happening into a massively overblown moment.

“Oh, in the 90’s, y’all just asked people to prom? Well then. We will hire a skywriter or ask on the Jumbotron or (Dear God please no) get a tattoo to ask our girlfriend to prom.”

(That’s right. As if their girlfriend needed them to get a tattoo to invite her to an event for which she full well knows she will be invited to. I mean, if you’re inviting the super hot girl you’ve never even spoken to, get a tattoo. But if you’re inviting the girl you’ve been dating since your freshman year, a note card and perhaps a small bouquet will suffice.)

The twenty-teens also have a penchant for taking things that are typically considered mundane or undesirable and turning them into a FREAKING EVENT.

This is the generation of rainbow-dyed armpit hair, purposefully squiggly eyebrows, nose hair extensions, selfie nails, and of course, glitter pits.

crazy trends of twenty teens

Another aspect where turning a mundane thing into an event occurs is within the term “Adulting.” Let’s stay un-grown-up even when we’re definitely supposed to be grown up and then groan about it being extremely difficult when we have to, say, pay our car payment or, maybe have a job, or, heaven forbid, LOAD THE DISHWASHER.

The agony.

It’s totally chic.

This digital generation is but a season away from professional photoshoots of scented divorce papers being served in hot air balloons. And life-sized body cakes served in chilled coffins alongside the IRL caskets of loved ones. (Of course, all perfectly filtered for the ‘gram.)

So it makes total sense that these kids who were promposed to and attempt to do as little adulting as possible would invent the trend of Adult  Cake Smashes.

Just search the hashtag #adultcakesmash on Instagram if you want to feel better about your life.

Adult Cake Smash

I’m not going to show you multiple photos of this event because I really want you to go yourself, check it out, mouth agape, accidentally drooling on your iPhone.

But allow me to describe some of the trends within this trend for you, just to whet your appetite. Or bile.

So the idea is to take the ubiquitous one-year-old photo op that we all had and turn it into something for a twenty-something (or even thirty-something) year old woman (or, in rarer but still existing cases, man. Yes, man.)

There are almost always tutus, booze, and sparkles involved in these pictures. They’re the foundation that the A.C.S. is built on.

From the foundation, you can build your Smashing Good Time via two main paths.

….1. You can go the Cutesy Little Girl way, and give yourself pigtails, have a chalkboard stating how many months old you are, what your favorite candy is, and what you want to be when you grow up. This option can also include a tiara, much pink icing, and maybe even a hobby horse and/or Barbies.

….2. Or you can take the Super-Sexed-But-Trying-To-Act-Like-I-Always-Look-Like-This route, where you want to familiarize your Instagram followers with every aspect of your over-glittered body, all while having the expression of innocence and naïveté on your face that says “Oh, it’s sexy when I’m wearing nothing above the waist except strategically placed icing? I had NO idea – I was just trying to recreate my one-year-old photos!”

(Yes. I did see that specific photoshoot while researching for this post. I am not exaggerating.)

But to pull off the Super-Sexy A.C.S, you don’t have to be completely nude – no need to put the future of your Instagram account in danger. Instead, try wearing a gold sparkle bodysuit, perhaps. Or mermaid shells are always a nice touch.

(If you’re a dude, your choices are much more straightforward. You just have to decide if you want a hamburger-shaped cake or Star Wars Death Star cake. And what kind of beer you want next to your cake while you’re smashing yourself into it.)

Once you decide whether you’re going Cutesy or Sexy or Dude, you then must decide how much icing you want on your face. Do you want to look as if you head-butted your cake, spreading the actually-carefully-placed-icing all the way to your forehead and creeping into your hairline? Or do you want the more subtle look, as if you just picked up a hunk and shoved it in a still-awkward-with-fine-motor-movement-toddler way toward your mouth?

Because heaven forbid that we let on that we can, at this age, actually eat cake like a normally-functioning adult. The only thing you never see in an A.C.S. is a dang FORK.

But. In all of my research into this matter, I did find the exception. The one pair of Cake Smashers that ABSOLUTELY deserved the event, the cake, and the mess of icing.

These 100 year old twins.

Screen Shot 2017-11-01 at 12.35.59 PM

So. If you have a twin and you both live to be 100, I absolutely INSIST that you have a cake smash.

But the rest of you could do with a bit more adulting.