The Weird and The Wonderful.

If you’re ever bored waiting for your kids to pick out books at the library (or play endless games on the library computers), here’s my library entertainment secret.

Go to the children’s biography section and imagine it as a dinner party. Each book is a person sitting around the table, making small talk with those sitting nearby.

Pioneer Girl gets sat next to Snoop Dogg. While Snoop is asking her what kind of weeds they found on the Oregon Trail, whoever that fashion designer is and the composer John Philip Sousa have the job of preventing Hernando de Soto from murdering Squanto.

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Meanwhile, across the table, Taylor Swift and President Taft commiserate on how hard it is when your squad turns against you, while Dr. Suzuki plays the world’s tiniest violin for them.

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I guarantee your visits to the library will never be the same.

We ran across this house not long ago and gaped at its modern wonders.

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…And its ability to be a mass human female milking stall.

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Apparently this hotel feels that balloon animals make their patrons feel most at home. Which makes me fear the clowns that are nearly certainly staying next door.

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Someone posted this with an “awwww!” in my feed.

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So naturally my next goal in life is to pose roadkill in such a way to get animal lovers to believe they’re asleep and say “awwwww!”

This was the end of a story in one of Noah’s library books. I feel like we might need an epilogue…

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…But maybe Nell had asked her mother too many questions that day. In which case it totally makes sense.

I never believed in the Elvis is Alive conspiracy theories. UNTIL I passed this church in the middle of nowhere Alabama. At least we now know where he’s been hiding.

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A friend snapped this one for me and sent it. Never have I ever seen such fantasticness displayed on the back of a car.

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In case you need me to translate:

Peace ● Love ● Breastfeed ● Cloth Diaper ● Babywear ● Leave your male child’s penis in tact.

(If you ever need some delightful reading on that last point, check out this post and the comments on it. I don’t mean to make you jealous since I’m positive it is all of your life dreams to be attacked by an angry mob of intactivists.)

And speaking of breastfeeding, how long did it take to squeeze these nuts hard enough to get that milk out?

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Was this eye meant to have pink eye?  Lesson: when adding stickers to your car, always consider where the brake light will be.

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These were a set of floats for sale at Target. I understand the giant Unicorn floats that are in style right now. They’re so instagrammable. But is it Instragram worthy to be hugging a five foot long pickle? Don’t answer that. But nobody likes a brown gummy bear.

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And….WHO DID THIS TO THIS AVOCADO? You cut out only the MIDDLE OF THE PIT?? This is just heinous.

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Also if this is movie night in a can, you might need to plan a bit ahead for movie night.

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This was in a gas station bathroom I frequent regularly (it’s the closest bathroom to a nature preserve that only has port-a-potties – don’t judge.)

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The next time I visited, the sign simply had the bottom half torn off – problem solved. They don’t appreciate criticism. Or apparently paper towels.

I saw these poor gummies in the grocery store and felt compelled to buy them and set them free in the parking lot. Nobody puts Freedom Bears in a box.

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WALL-E is real. And it’s coming to a Sam’s Club near you.

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There have been so many delightful news stories about Uranus lately. Are you aware at the fact that Uranus is ALL OVER the internet? You should be.

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This is my favorite. I will never think of Uranus again without thinking of diamonds raining on it. (Or is it from it? Hard to tell.)

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This is in the window of my local Starbucks. I don’t feel like I have quite enough information to choose the center option. Is that a police sketch? Did the Pirate do a crime, or is he a missing pop?

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When this showed up in my Facebook feed a few months ago, I knew I had finally found the gold at the end of the internet rainbow. NEVER HAVE I EVER been so happy about a cat photo in my feed. From the picture being screen shot from a Google search to the comments, I was in love.

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Oh and also, their hashtag is right. You should absolutely spay and neuter any leprechaun cats you see running around out there. They’re a spunky bunch.

Please Sell Me Beachfront Property in Wyoming.

Something about the marketers that have been trying to reach me lately has seemed a bit…off. So I saved their ads. For us to discuss.

Do I wear a hair tie around my wrist most days? Yes. Is Facebook secretly videotaping me so that they are aware of this behavior? Probably. Are we seriously to the point where we need jewelry that solely functions as a hair tie holder? Oh I do hope not.

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But I admit it – I clicked. Because I had to read more about this.

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Let’s break this down.

  • If your hair tie is dingy, your hair tie is dingy. Placing a dingy hair tie on a rose gold bracelet does not change the property of said hair tie. As shown in every photo ever of Trump’s NY Penthouse, gold does not a classy look make.
  • Worry-Free. “Go throughout the day worry-free.” My GOODNESS this bracelet has high standards. Because yes, my biggest worry every day is most definitely whether the spare hair tie I have is displayed in a stylish location.
  • And am I glad to see that it comes with a Certificate of Authenticity. There are creeper vans set up on every corner in Birmingham selling knock-off versions of this nineteen dollar work of genius.

But let’s move on to much wiser ways to spend our First World money.

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I will feel so much safer on the beach this summer if I’m wearing Teapot Block. I mean, look at Mrs. Pott’s complexion. It’s like fine china!

And then there was this.

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I mean, I definitely have stretch marks. And I think they might even qualify as tiger stripes. But if they looked this amazing, I’d proudly show that mess off!

(Maybe she was just a bit streaky when she put on her Teapot block.)

But perhaps if I sat like this while I drank my smoothie, my stretch marks would magically melt away!

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Please everyone take a minute and attempt to make this exact pose while sipping a drink that doesn’t have a straw. It’s literally impossible.

I saw this product at my once-a-year visit to Wal-Mart.

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Who sees…

a) Ripple
b) Nipple

Survey says….it’s totally nipple milk.

I feel like the Arby’s marketing team was located in a state where pot was legal when they came up with this utterly brilliant catch phrase…

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I hear they hired the same marketing firm that promoted this amazing individual.

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I get Mickey Mouse or Peppa Pig. But if you can be Batman OR Elsa, you’re worthy of a phone call.

These people reached out to me – clearly I really should have taken them up on their amazing offers. Or should have just responded with an annotated version of their letter – marked up with all of their spelling and grammatical mistakes.

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I love Amazon. I live on Amazon. I really do. But I don’t like Alexa (I have Siri! Why do I need Alexa? And she’s totally a Russian spy), and furthermore, this new version of their household stalker is just downright creepy.

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At first, it seems like they’re trying to put Instagram Husbands out of business. Who needs a dude to take that 500th photo for the ‘gram when you have Echo Look?

But no. They’re trying to off Instagram Wives.

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Yeah. This is totally for men. Obviously not marketed toward women. That guy totally has a personal lookbook of his outfits of the day. #OOTD.

I’ve got total FOMO (Fear of Missing Out, for those of you who don’t keep up with the latest Internet abbreviations) on this one. Am I the only one that doesn’t have $96 heeled bedroom shoes?

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I guess if I were more of a chemise and robe girl, I’d totally understand.

 

This billboard is in Birmingham, confusing me on the regular.

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Are we trying to,

a) Keep hot dogs out of hospitals (do most hot dog choking situations happen within hospitals? Because if so shouldn’t we keep hot dogs in hospitals because that’s a really convenient place to find a Heimlich Helper?)

b) Install anti-hot dog devices in patient’s throats to prevent future hot dog scenarios?

c) Lock all at-risk hot dog eaters up into a non-hot-dog cell to keep them from being able to reach their torpedo of deadly meat?

(Disclaimer: As a child, I choked on hot dogs so often that my mother peeled all of my doggy dinners. So clearly I should be ALL FOR this movement.)

By degree, I am an accountant. I am not, however, a Certified Management Accountant. But OBVIOUSLY, every CMA I know uses this exact method to flaunt their superiority. And seeing it totally makes me want to earn one.

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CMA®: Professionals so very committed to their jobs that they have nothing in their lives that is more notable to tat.

A Valentine To Remember.

I have strong personal convictions about Valentine’s Day.

I think it is inanely stupid.

It’s contrived, it’s expected, and it’s downright annoying.

It forces single people to feel sad, it obligates non-single people to feel pressured to write something disgustingly mushy on Facebook, AND it’s the single worst night in the year to attempt to eat out, making one choose to either a) wait 4 hours to be packed in like sardines at a prix fixe meal out, or b) COOK AND WASH DISHES AT HOME.

WHY would we allow something so ugly into our culture*?

I mean sure, Chris and I celebrated it for a number of years at the beginning of our relationship – until that beautiful day that we got comfortable enough in our love to have that most romantic conversation.

“I think this is stupid.”

“Really? I do too!!”

We would much rather celebrate romance on our anniversary. It’s ours and we don’t have to share it with every other couple on the globe.

Welcome to the romance of the cynical.

* Feel free to disagree with me. You may find Valentine’s to be the most romantic, loveliest of holidays and that is 100% fine. Continue to enjoy the pinkest and reddest of days and by all means don’t let me sour you toward it.

Anyway. My lack of disregard for this holiday is why, when my Dad texted me Tuesday morning and asked if he could stop by, I didn’t even think for a second that it had to do with Valentine’s. I wondered for the next 30 minutes to what exactly we owed his visit. Although it’s not unusual for Dad to stop by, his text implied more than the usual “I’m dropping by.”

He walked in with a big red envelope in hand.

“I brought you a Valentine.”

Now. I derive 105% of my cynical genes from my Father.

This was clearly a confusing turn of events.

I opened my Valentine to find a handmade card, in my Mom’s writing. So this was a joint card….still feeling a bit odd.

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And then I opened it. And I remembered why my parents are THE best parents in the world.

FullSizeRender 63“Twisted” is the word that is obstructed by Herman’s Grade A Packaging, just in case you couldn’t figure that out via context.

Have you ever seen such a perfect way to celebrate this holiday?

No. You haven’t. Because my parents just created it.

After I opened the card and gushed at my Dad’s thoughtfulness, he pulled out another baggie.

“It’s a two-for-one day!”

That’s right. I was gifted not one, but TWO dead mice for Valentine’s Day. No $200 bouquet could top such a thoughtful, personalized gift.

I squealed with happiness.

“I even had a Valentine’s balloon in my roadkill kit that would have expired today if I hadn’t found something!!”

Dad beamed, obviously proud of his perfect timing.

After he left, Noah and I headed out to the driveway in bare feet, and I put the rubber gloves in my kit to use for the first time – after all, Herman and Marge would have to be posed.

I got them how I wanted them, but the plastic stem of my balloon kept popping off the ground, sending Herman rolling over.

Carcass Models are such divas to work with.

I finally had to employ my toes to hold the stem down, then had to crop out the tippy top of my big toe to finally capture the essence of the moment.

Yes, I had gotten what I wanted. Now it was time to write A Valentine Tale worthy of the image.

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Marge tried to feign excitement about Herman’s proud cheesy gift of an oversized balloon – she knew he loved her to death, after all – but all she really wanted was for him to have not been such an idiot when he decided to make their home near that tempting, deadly, beautiful, terrible Mouse Trap Subdivision.

And that’s how I received the best Valentine’s Day gift ever.