So You Heard It’s My Birthday…

Hi! Noah here.

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Clearly, you’ve arrived to celebrate my third birthday and wish me tidings of great joy.

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And I’m totally down with that.

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That’s what the comment section is for…down at the bottom of this post – after I’ve made your year with a review of mine.

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But the servants have been complaining that I didn’t give them enough positive feedback in my last birthday post, so I’ve decided to write The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy’s Entire Annual Review as a part of my birthday celebration.

That’ll teach her.

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We all know that it’ll be a valuable lesson, because she is SO high maintenance.

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I get the feeling she thinks just because she allowed some doctor to rip her abdomen open to pry me out, that she’s due my unconditional love and adoration for eternity future.

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First of all, that’s a disgusting way to welcome me to the world.

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Second of all, she’s so obviously a victim of our entitlement society.

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I don’t do love hand-outs, lady.

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So. Let’s talk about the stuff we didn’t like first.

Despite the fact that they don’t even manufacture them in my size, she still dressed me in rompers. Could she not hear the screams of agony from my nether regions??

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The DiaperToe Travesty: Where is Child Services when you need them?

She took a short-lived but entirely unrequested expedition into the world of potty-training.

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Not cool, NOT. COOL.

I had to refuse to poop for twenty days to help her grasp the girth of that mistake.

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And after that twenty days was up, grasp it did she.

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Instead of sending The Sister Who Calls Herself Ali to school like a normal mother so that she could give me all of her attention AS IT SHOULD BE, she kept her home and used the first day as an excuse to mock me!

First Day School

AND THEN tortured me with Field Trip Nightmares.

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AS IF I’M OLD ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND SUCH AGONY.

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She outfitted me in a dress. Again.

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And recorded my most private moments,
mistakes, and words.

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In her Social Media performance, she had pluses and minutes.

On the one hand, she finally loosed me from this horrible font and let me actually talk in my brilliant vlogging series, but then she used my likeness without my permission to create TWO MORE MEME POSTS. In one year.

Like this one? SO did not happen.

Noah Memes Roaches

Because I only eat ladybugs.

I hope all those Hey Girls were worth it for you, internet.

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Because she’s going to find herself slapped with a trademark lawsuit as soon as I’m old enough to write.

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Now. Let’s talk about her positive performance this year.

She fed me fresh, raw and organic foods,

Baby Eating Dog Food

opened my eyes to the circus,

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Took me to the real races,

October

(Where I played up my Fear Factor so convincingly that she let me sleep in her bed for the first time ever. Am I good or what?)

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She taught me the fine art of Selfies on a Boat,

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She didn’t get mad when she caught me reading The Sister Who Calls Herself Ali’s diary,

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She somehow made me FLY, and let me tell you that is an awesome memory for any boy,

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She let me get my first tattoo,

Noah's First Tattoo
She never dressed me in smock, not even on Easter Sunday,

Well-Dressed Toddler

And she let me run around in the rain with a bucket on my head.

August

So I guess she’s not TOO abominable, anyway.

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Oh – wait. I have a feeling she’s about to subject you to a twelve-month anthology of my face. So that takes away a few points.

January

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February

02 Face

March

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April

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May

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June

06 Face

July

07 Face

August

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September

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October

10 Face

November

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December

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Then again, that much of me can’t be a bad thing, now can it?

Noah Answers Your Burning Questions.

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After Noah’s last Fashion Tips video, he asked if you had any questions, and several of you did.

He put a good deal of research into his answers, hence his somewhat belated reply. But he did not give up. He is here to enlighten you, make your life easier, and unearth the mysteries of the world.

If you have more questions, by all means leave them in the comments.

Fashion Statements of Fact.

Toddler's Fashion September

Since his debut onto the fashion scene in August, Noah has discovered that he has much more to offer. And so he’s back, explaining in detail the intricacies of toddler clothing and more.

He realizes that exposing the world to his impressive depth of knowledge runs the risk of making him the go-to guy for fashion conundrums, and he has even answered his first fan question in the following video. But he feels that the fashion category is too limiting to his vast scope of expertise, so he wants to answer questions about anything. So if you have your own questions for Noah to resolve in upcoming videos, please leave them in the comments. Because he’s here for you – the Dr. Phil of two-year-olds, ready to help you with all of your life’s mysteries.

Or you can just tell him he’s awesome – because he’s totally down with fan mail.