The Lyrics That Will Kill Us All.

Today was the day that I realized my two-year-old was a musician.

Not because he’s ever touched an instrument, but by watching his face.

As we were driving home, just the two of us, he kept asking insistently for me to put on “Seven Bridges Road.” I finally did, and turned it up. Then happened to look in the rearview mirror.

It gave me chills.

When the song started with an a cappella four-part harmony, he closed his eyes and assumed a facial expression that can only be described as pure satisfaction. Although I should have been driving, I was drawn to keep watching him. His facial expressions rose and fell with the music, and it was so clear how intently he was listening.

I realized that I needed to buy the kid an Eagles album. He can really appreciate a good harmony.

I found myself wanting to offer up my son more music that might impress him, as if I was trying to find the perfect wine to impress a master sommelier. I decided to try my favorite harmony-heavy song – “Anybody Out There” by Burlap to Cashmere. He intently stared out the window. At first I thought he wasn’t listening, but then I realized he was studying every single note. As the song picked up passion, I started hitting my leg to the beat. He jerked his head around to see where it was coming from – he knew it didn’t belong in the song.

I wrote that last July, but never posted it.

And now, as I write this, I’m listening to now three-year-old Noah on the monitor.

Napping, he is supposed to be.

Singing, he is doing instead.

Over and over and with impressively decent pitch he sings the lyrics – or should I say the one lyric.

“I’m a little digger with a heart of gold!”

“I’m a little digger with a heart of gold!”

“I’m a little digger with a heart of gold!”

“I’m a little digger with a heart of gold!”

(Lyric courtesy of Bob the Builder. And Wendy who probably writes all his songs for him.)

It’s not that I didn’t keep my July promise to myself. I’ve exposed this kid to amazing music. We’re talking Ace of Base, The Cranberries, R.E.M., The Lone Bellow, Jump Little Children, Rihanna, and The Presidents of The United States of America!

Every time we get in the car he either requests Umbrella, Seven Bridges Road, Zombie, or Waterfalls. He’s discerning and knows what he likes.

But what gets stuck in his head?

Bob’s remix of Kanye’s “Gold Digger”, that’s what.

“I’m a little digger with a heart of gold!”          

“I’m a little digger with a heart of gold!”          

“I’m a little digger with a heart of gold!”

“I’m a little digger with a heart of gold!”

I can’t really blame him, though. Cartoon songs are laced with Kiddie Crack to imprint them permanently onto their brains (and as collateral damage, our brains), searing the lobe responsible for musical taste, and permanently holding down the repeat button in their (and our) head.

Just try watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood without humming “In some ways we are different. But in so many ways, we are the same!” for the rest of the decade.

So what is the answer to this conundrum?

We must soldier on in our musical brainwashing. Do not falter and sing Dora, Dora, Dora the Explorer! when you’re rocking them to sleep.

(It’s called ROCKING them to sleep for a reason.)

And perhaps, just perhaps, if they learn to stand strong and fight against the onslaught of terrible cartoon lyrics now, then one day they’ll be able enough to fight the tide of terrible pop lyrics. Like these.

“Just a shy guy
Looking for a two-ply
Hefty bag to hold my love.”

– Train,Drive By”

And this is why Glad Trash Bags are so Glad. Because they didn’t get selected for Train lyrics.

“If the light is off then it isn’t on.”

– Hilary Duff, “So Yesterday”

…Unless you can get the switch to that barely-balanced middle spot where it’s hovering between off and on…What about that, Hilary?!?!?! Is it on or off??

“You at the bottom of the barrel scraping
I’m out in LA, at the Ice Age taping.”

– Nicki Minaj, “Roman Reloaded”

Maybe he has more self-respect than you and knows that the bottom of the barrel is better than Ice Age.

“And I’m like… I just… I mean, this is exhausting, you know.
Like, we are never getting back together. Like, ever.’”

–Taylor Swift, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”

They always say to write like you talk…I’m pretty sure Taylor nailed that one.

“You wanna hug me
Hey, hey, hey,
What rhymes with ‘hug me’?”

— Robin Thicke, “Blurred Lines”

Certainly not what you’re implying, Robin. And actually, nothing.

What Rhymes With Hug Me

“Mercury, Venus, ha ha!
Uranus!
Don’t you know my a** is famous?”

— Lady Gaga, “Venus”

A true lady never uses Uranus as the punch line of a joke.

“Long distance callers make long distance calls”

– The Clash, “Lost in the Supermarket”

I bet Vonage blew The Clash’s mind.

“Every time I see your bubbly face
I get a tickle in a silly place”

– Colbie Caillat, “Bubbly”

Somebody send Colbie some Monistat.

“Mr. Know It All
You think you know it all.”

– Kelly Clarkson, “Mr. Know It All”

I bet he knows how to write better lyrics.

“I think about it every time I think about it”

– Counting Crows, “Accidentally in Love”

In conclusion, I’m a little digger with a heart of gold isn’t so bad after all.

The Twelve Days of Facebook Christmas.

Facebook Christmas Lights

On the First Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Christmas Lights on Halloween.

On the Second Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Early Christmas Haters and Christmas Lights on Thanksgiving.

On the Third Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Pumpkin Spice Latté, Thanksgiving Smock and Holiday Family Drama.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Cliché Sentiments, Gingerbread Latté, Hanukkah Smock, and Complaints About Christmas Music.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, ELF ON A SHELF!, Cheesy Inflatables, Vague Holiday Angst, Gingerbread Smock, and a Stupid Game of Dirty Santa.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Santa Hatted Dogs, ELF ON A SHELF!, Pinterexia, Christmas Shoes, Santa Claus Smock, and The Dean and Company Christmas Special.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Whining About Shopping, Santa Hatted Cats, ELF ON A SHELF!, Outdoor Christmas Lights, Santa Baby, Cross-Stitched Reindeer Bloomers, and an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.

On the Eighth Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Red-Eyed Pics with Santa, Bragging about Shopping, Santa Hatted Bunnies, ELF ON A SHELF!, Christmas Candy Crush, Elf Yourself, Eggnog Hangovers, And a Dudley Pile of Presents.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Nine Holiday Hashtags, Snotty Pics with Santa, Selfies While Out Shopping, Santa Hatted Chickens, ELF ON A SHELF!, Holiday Farmville, Three Moose Mugs, Extreme Teacher Gifts, And Excessive Christmas Baking.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Ten Homemade Ornaments, Nine Holiday E-Cards, Screaming Pics with Santa, Such Crowded Shopping, Santa Hatted Hamsters, ELF ON A SHELF!, Lego Nativities, Christmas Angry Birds, Car Reindeer Antlers, and Miley Cyrus Dressed in a Wreath.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, Anti X-Mas Activists, Ten People of Wal-Mart, Nine Family Photos, Terrified Pics with Santa, “All Done with Shopping!”, Santa Hatted Horses, ELF ON A SHELF!, Reindeer Pancakes, Facebook Guilt, Christmas Monograms, And Children in Santa Claus Dresses.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my feed did give to me, “What Does the ELF Say?”, Happy Holidays Haters, “You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out”, Nine Yuletide Bitstrips, Creepy Pics with Santa, Christmas Eve Shopping, Santa Hatted Goldfish, ELF ON A SHELF!, Matching Family Jammies, Three Leg Lamps, Yuletide Pedicures, and One Jaded Blog Post Like This.

Facebook Christmas Lights

I Want to Spotify You.

When it comes to internet radio, I’ve always been a Pandora girl. It’s free, easy, and they were the first people (that I know of) to use the fantastically mysterious Music Genome Project to magically choose songs that I would like.

But then my friends kept talking about Spotify. Over and Over and OVER.

So I downloaded the app, couldn’t figure it out, realized I’d have to re-teach it all my likes and dislikes (why don’t they have a “Copy my Pandora Personality” option? Or do they and I’m just too dumb to find it?), and promptly deleted it.

But all I kept hearing was Spotify, Spotify, SPOTIFY!!!

You would think it was the musical equivalent of Doctor Who or something. Geez.

But then I craved some new musical input into my life and asked you on Facebook for your favorite songs. I wanted to put them into a publically available playlist so that you could enjoy it as well, and I knew that the best way to do that was Spotify. So I downloaded it again, and this time I didn’t delete it.

Because the mix of you was fascinating.

Spotify Blog Readers

For one, I felt so much more intimate with you, now armed with the powerful knowledge of your favorite song. I remembered who recommended most of the songs, so I could think about (and overanalyze) that particular person as their song played. (Basically, a blogging stalker’s nirvana.) And plus – who knew I had a blog reader with a tattoo portrait of Alice Cooper?

I continued getting suggestions and added some of my own favorites, and so the playlist grew to over 80 songs – with variety as vast as Steven Curtis Chapman to Queen to Sam Cooke, and P!nk and Michael Jackson in between. And obviously, Alice Cooper made an appearance.

But now that I’ve listened to the playlist on repeat for two weeks straight, I’m itching to add more songs.

So. I need your input for my ongoing musical happiness.

1. What are your favorite songs?

and also,

2. Much to the chagrin of The Holiday Police, I have rashly created a separate Spotify Playlist for Christmas Songs, despite the pre-Thanksgiving state of the year. What are your favorite Christmas Songs? Preferably with the artist as well, but if not, I’ll make an educated decision for you.

I’ll be updating the lists as your suggestions come in, and if you’d like to listen along to the cornucopia that is all of your tastes, you can tune in (can we still call it tuning in?) to the original playlist or the Christmas playlist from your computer or the Spotify app. I think you can do all of this for free, but what do I know – I’m new to Spotify.

(And I still don’t watch Doctor Who. So there.)