CDC Warning: New FTD, Lularoe, Now Classified as Pandemic.

ftd-1-in-2

 

FTDs, or Facebookually Transmitted Diseases, are now at an all-time high. Please be aware of the latest FTD, know if you are at risk, and prevent further transmission.

Lularoe.

Any woman who is Facebookually active can get Lularoe. Lularoe can cause very serious complications if not treated, and is extremely easy to transmit to other Facebook partners.

What is Lularoe?

Lularoe is a Facebookually transmitted disease (FTD) that can infect women. It can cause infections of buttery soft leggings spreading throughout your closet, mix-and-match cotton prints draining your bank account, and sudden urges to create online parties.

How is Lularoe spread?

Lularoe is spread by engaging in online parties with your Facebook partners. If invited to one of these parties, turn off notifications immediately to lessen the chance of transmitting this disease. To ensure prevention, leave the group, although this can cause bruised relationships with those that are already suffering from Lularoe.

Am I at risk of Lularoe?

YES. Pregnant and post-partum women are at particularly high risk for this disease. It can also be spread from a parent to a female child, as buttery soft leggings also come in smaller sizes. There is even a small percentage of males who are a carrier for Lularoe and transmit it to their female partner by inadvertently buying her buttery soft leggings for a birthday or holiday.

I’m pregnant. How does Lularoe affect my baby?

If you are pregnant and have Lularoe, you can give the infection to your baby during delivery. This can cause serious fashion problems for your baby. If you are pregnant, it is important that you talk to your health care provider so that you get the correct examination, testing, and treatment, as necessary. Treating Lularoe as soon as possible will make health complications for your baby less likely.

Can Lularoe be cured?

Yes, with the right treatment, Lularoe can be treated. Treatment involves a rigorous stripping of one’s Facebook Group Memberships. Extreme cases can require the cancelling of the credit card on file.

I was treated for Lularoe. When can I Facebook Again?

You should wait seven days after finishing all treatments before engaging in Facebook activity. To avoid getting infected with Lularoe again or spreading Lularoe to your friends, you and your Facebook friend(s) should avoid having online parties. If you’ve had Lularoe and took medication in the past, you can still get infected again if you have unprotected online parties with a person who has Lularoe.

Although it is currently the most prevalent, it is important to note that Lularoe is not the only FTD for which you are at risk.

Another highly common FTD is Political Intellectualdeficiency Virus (PIV). PIV is a serious disease that infects both men and women. It causes loss of reason and unrestrained support of a political candidate, leaving you unable to see any of their faults. As the disease progresses, the symptoms can include absolute demonizing of all supporters of another candidate. This disease tends to spike in occurrence every four years, and taper off in mid-November, although this year’s strain is projected to last much, much longer. If you find yourself or those you love still experiencing symptoms of PIV, seek treatment as soon as possible.

Other less frequent Facebookually Transmitted Diseases include Oilmydia (click here to find out more about this disease’s progression), Monogramitis, and the occasional Facebookually spread case of Pinterexia Nervosa.

Facebookually Transmitted Diseases are serious illnesses that often require extreme and long-term treatments to eradicate. Please take great caution to practice Safe Facebook.

The Authoritative Truth Behind the Poo Emoji.

Sad Poo Emoji Collection

Emoji play a crucial role in my life. I have made this clear time and time again. I use them, I am opinionated about how and when they should be used, and I look forward to each and every addition to the Emoji Dictionary.

For instance, this week’s updates, as best as I can tell, include these characters. I’m still working my way through understanding all of their deeper meanings, but yes, that is a middle finger. And there does seem to be a bong. Yet we still don’t have bacon or cheese. The pain of this lacking is indescribable.

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So naturally, when there are new emoji rumors and supposed statements of fact, I typically have multiple people make sure that I know about them.

Which is what happened this week, with the below viral claim. It has been making the rounds on Facebook, and much like many things that get shared repeatedly on Facebook, it is a complete fallacy.

Poo Emoji

I instinctually knew it was wrong – that is a PILE OF CRAP, I don’t care how much it looks like soft-serve ice cream and how little it looks like the contents of a toilet. I know a Poo emoji when I see one. And also, many months ago I read a long article on The History of The Poo Emoji (yes it was a fine use of my time), so I know why we have poo and how we got poo and what standards Apple upheld when it designed the iconic poo we have come to know and love.

(Although I still think we need more poo options. And I will hold to that belief until Apple asks to use my designs.)

Sad Poo Emoji

But. Although I personally denied the ice cream myth everywhere I saw it on Facebook, I don’t want you to have to take my word for it. Because that’s the problem with the internet today – people believe too many people about all the things – which is how we get these outrageous and debilitating lies in the first place.

(Chocolate ice cream. As if.)

So I consulted with a higher power for the truth behind the most beloved of emoji.

Siri her/himself.

You’re welcome, internet. Now it is your job to share this post or just the video with all of the deluded people in your life. Because our society cannot bear up under lies like this.

Footnotes:

* Yes, I have a male Siri. He’s the Australian option. I like him. I pretend he looks like Curtis Stone, because that’s what all Australian men look like. He’s great until I ask him to text something and he spells it agonisingly antagonising while belabouring his catalogue of extra letters in his dialogue .

** You too can change your Siri by going to options –> general –> Siri –> Siri Voice.

*** Yes, I said “icing” instead of “ice cream” in the video. I was also slurring my words in exhaustion. But those are mere bumps in the road of making sure that you have correct information from reliable sources on vital issues.

Don’t Be The Butt of The Joke.

When I opened up my Christmas presents from Chris, there was one particularly long and skinny one. As soon as I saw what it was, I gasped and looked up in horror.

“You DIDN’T. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!”

“Wait! No…this isn’t a Selfie Stick! THIS, my dear….THIS is a SUNSET STICK.

“Ummmm…..it says Selfie Stick right here.”

“Just think of all the sunset angles you can find with a six foot pole! This will revolutionize your sunset game. No more will trees and buildings block your view!”

I can’t say that I wasn’t still a bit horrified.

Selfie Stick

I haven’t yet used my Sunset Stick – I’m kind of afraid to pull it out in public, but I do see that there are places to which this could be quite advantageous. I’ll let you know how that goes.

However.

The fact that I received a Selfie Stick for Christmas pales fifty shades of narcissism in comparison to a product to which my friend Wade alerted me this week.

Guys, there’s a real actual product just for taking butt selfies.

And it’s called….The Belfie Stick.

Disclaimer: You will never be able to un-see the B in the logo’s typeface.

Seriously. Never.

Belfie

There are so many things to discuss here. SO MANY THINGS.

But let’s start with dude on the right. HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A BUTT. Why does he want to see it, let alone share it?!

And then there’s girl on the packaging. Can’t see her? Here she is, but bigger.

Belfie Example 1

She has the ability to take a Belfie. She took a Belfie. She can see that her PANTS ARE TRANSLUCENT. Yet she’s still smiling.

THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA.

Now let’s discuss the Guarantee noted on the box. There is going to be a significant portion of America that becomes vastly unsatisfied when they see what their backside actually looks like – and those are just the people that didn’t realize they had Long Butt. Are you going to refund their money after you ruin their rear self image? Because that experience can be life-altering.

Next, let’s discuss the Testimonials on the web site.

Or at least, one in particular:

“I never again have to take pics in the bathroom. I can’t tell you how many times Ive dropped my iphone trying to take pics. I love it! Thank God they invented belfiestick!”

~ Lauren – Los Angeles, CA

Lauren, honey, I am positive you have many things in your life that are worth thanking God for.

The Belfie Stick should not be one of them.

Let’s move on to the name itself. In the list of Product Names That Should Never Be, “Belfie” is right after “Jegging” and “Maxi Skirts”, and right before “Booties”. It’s stupid wrong.

Besides the name, though, their byline is…

“Finally, a solution to all your back problems!”

I cannot WAIT to tell my Dad that I found the solution to all of his back problems! Father’s Day is going to be SO. AWESOME.

And if this wasn’t enough of a snapshot of what has become of our beloved nation,

this will make you want to pack up and move to Cuba.

Belfie Stick

It’s time to burn all the social medias.

To. The. Ground.


Editor’s Note: It must be acknowledged that the writer is aware of her possible status as having the most pinned butt on Pinterest. And even that this product would have made her research easier, had it not been for her superstar butt photographer/husband. However, her buttography was all in the name of Scientific Analysis, with a Mission Statement of Helping the Entire Populace – not to Instagram a selfie of her Derrière with three dozen hashtags.