Death By Leggings.

Leggings make me feel dead inside.

Yet I still have exactly 8 pairs.

IMG_4957It’s true – even the sequins don’t make them better.

As I sit back and ruminate on where I went wrong in life, I must surmise that I fell into this slippery slope because of running. Running leggings are amazing. Compressing in all the right spots and freeing in the rest. They are so fantastic that they make all other waistbands feel downright oppressive, and I never feel less jiggly and as if I actually have a firm body than when I’m wearing running leggings. This, along with the fashion world changing to a leggings-based environment, created this heinous situation in my life. This vacuous space in my fashion story. This embarrassment to myself, and one day when they look back on pictures, this embarrassment to my children.

But leggings leggings are not running leggings. Maybe some are, but none of the brands I’ve tried out compare. They compress my lumps and bumps with the efficiency of a stretched out two-sizes-too-big pair of non-control-top pantyhose. And when I pull them up over my twice-c-sectioned belly, I immediately feel like all my everything is put on display, and I look like the identical twin sister to a bag of Idaho potatoes. When I turn around and see the sheer length of my backside – from waist to upper knee – I shudder with horror and feel like I’ve turned away from everything I believe in.

I quickly pull on an oversized, long, solid colored, shapeless top. And sigh.

How did I find myself here?

What happened to my bold prints and the snappiest of denim? What happened to structure and slimming lines and flattering stitching?

I peek in my closet where many of those things still exist, albeit with dust perched atop the hangers.

But oh, the effort. Compared to my up-and-done leggings and boring flowy tops, the waistbands and belts and camisoles and buttons feel. So. Exhausting.

Then I moan with horror.

Is this what it means to let go of myself?

To forget what it’s like to care about fashion?

HAVE I GIVEN UP MY IDENTITY??

Then I look around and see women everywhere, young and old, having reproduced and not, doing the same thing.

And I let a relieved breath go.

It’s not just me.

Maybe this year’s fashion is the fault of the cesspool of bubbling pus that was 2016 for America. The national situation was such that it left us no energy for zippers and spanx.

It’s not the first time this has happened, after all. There were the giant sweaters and stirrups* in the early 90s (I had a light brown baby poo colored sweater that could’ve comfortably fit my dad. I wore it everywhere, proudly.)

*confession: I miss stirrups. That band on the bottom of my foot felt downright pleasurable. But I shudder to think of their effect on my now belly.

So, fashion is obviously cyclical.

In a few years we’ll all be back to structured shirts (that haven’t had their shoulders mysteriously removed), bootcut jeans (shaped ever so slightly different and given some new clever name like ‘gram jeans or something), and maybe even heels.

So I say we go ahead and usher in the next fashion cycle.

Rebel.

Throw away those leggings (stop! no! Not the running ones! Just the soul-sucking ones.), pull out our lonely denim, suck ourselves into those foreign and bizarrely restrictive waistbands, and

Bring.

Fashion.

Back.

In just a few minutes.

Because these leggings are so comfortable…..

What are You Wearing, New Year’s Eve?

New Year’s Eve is a fashion must, especially when you’re a mom who has no plans because her husband is attending a College Football Playoff Game.

You better look good for those kids covered in Christmas Candy Dust, ya know?

(For the record I could have absolutely flaunted my fashion fantasticness at said College Football Playoff Game, but I politely turned down the offer. My willingness to go to football while having a complete lack of interest does have a price ceiling, and certain seats are just too expensive for my butt to rest while I stare listlessly at my phone begging the end of the fourth quarter to arrive. Instead, my Dad will come over and watch the game “with me” while I stare listlessly at my phone and the children run magical circles of melted-chocolate-powered-energy around both of us.)

So, fashion. As usual, I turned to HauteLook to dress me for this momentous occasion.

And, as usual, I found what I was looking for – and a whole lot more. So I brought a few things for you to wear, as well.

Perhaps you’re looking for the perfect spot to wear on New Year’s Eve.

No, not the perfect spot to wear something – the perfect spot to wear.

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If you don’t have time to order, this is a great craft to let those kids you have help you with. Just find a completely sheer shirt that you used to have use for in some prior exciting life,

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Then get your kids to cut out a giant circle out of white construction paper, use a bit of glue, and BOOM!! Fashion.

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Alternately, this is a great costume for a Dr. Seuss party.

I will not eat it in a pot,
I will not eat it in a spot.

And then, change into this outfit and…

I will not eat it in suspendered culottes.

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But really, nothing says “I’m partying hard on New Year’s Eve” like the back of your pants resembling the front of a 1991 seriously Long Butted pair of dress pants.

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Would you rather distract everyone waiting for the ball to drop with your own balls? Then this next shirt’ll do it. Especially if you bling it up a little with your daughter’s craft set and make every one of these pom-poms a tiny spinning disco ball.

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Okay, okay I get it. You’re not all staying at home with young children for New Year’s. (Chris promises to be back well in time to kiss me at midnight, so Alabama better not go into overtime.) If you want to be a little fancier than I plan on being, I assume this is what all the young people are wearing these days.

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I am not, however, appreciative of them making the off-brand version of “Rihanna” out of my name.

Need to imply a pop star’s name without actually using it?
Just stick a Rach on it!

I know that cold shoulder shirts are all the rage this year – either to hate or to love, depending on your personal beliefs.

But how do we feel about cold armpit shirts?

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It’s not really an issue I was ready to face as a human being. How about you?

Thanks to the cold shoulder craze, we have all sorts of body parts that are jealously wanting to get a bit chilly. Let’s do a quick bullet list.

We have the Cold Clavicle Sweatshirt, perfect for moms who want their sweats and their sexy at the same time…

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The Cold shoulder / arm / midriff and…

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back shirt. How DO these women wear a bra?

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The cold “Let’s Put a Tassle on it” shirt,

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The cold “Please Don’t Choke Me” shirt,

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(In case you wanted to understand how it was connected…I cannot imagine how constrictive this shirt feels.)

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The Cold Curtain Shirt,

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The cold shoulder AND forearm sweater,

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The “Stripes O’ Cold” Dress,

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The Cold Hearted shirt,

IMG_1653And, my favorite cold product of all time,

The Cold Lower Thigh Denim Dress.

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It’s as if someone said, “This dress is covering too much. Like nearly every inch of her. We need more skin.”

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And in response, one of the designers, strung out on a bad cocktail of crack cocaine and French Fashion Education, said “I know JUST the skin to show!”

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Okay. Let’s get back to New Year’s Eve.

If you happen to be celebrating New Year’s Eve 1988, may I suggest this beauty.

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It makes me miss my Colors of Benetton Barbie something fierce.

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And this one..I don’t even understand where and when and how and who…but it’s 68% off, y’all!!

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You are looking at Seven Hundred and Forty Five Dollars and Three Cents of free Shop Top!

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My favorite part of this outfit, though, was the clearly photoshopped Thigh Gap. No human in the world’s body curves to make a perfect teaspoon.

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And on that note, Happy New Year.

May you not spend your 2017 trying to attain a teaspoon crack.

Because We Need an Unexpected Presidential Gift.

GUYS. The weekend. AmIRight? It was my birthday weekend and the world had to fall apart. HOW DARE IT.

Anyway. Y’all don’t come to me to hear my political views (I do have them, believe it or not) – y’all come to me for escapism.

I was saddened last night, on my birthday, that I had nary an entertaining thought to offer myself or anyone else about anything because all of the UGH that is blanketing our country. But then I remembered a post I did a while back on Presidential Christmas Gifts, and decided I’d see what Amazon had to offer on our current presidential candidates.

Thankfully, Amazon never disappoints.

Now. There were plenty of disrespectful gifts available, such as toilet paper, dog poop bags, and nutcrackers. But I tried to keep my picks to only the strange – not the hateful. Hateful is easy – bizarre is harder.

Some of these gifts are lovingly available for both candidates, so we shall pit them against each other in a gifting debate and determine the winner, category by category. I am the perfect impartial judge, because I have the exact same feelings for both of them – and will be voting for someone else (who doesn’t have any weird gift items in his likeness – so maybe he wins.)

But feel free to weigh in with your own vote – ON THE GIFTS, not the candidates. (We’ve all had enough of that now, haven’t we?)

Okay. Let’s get started.

1 Trump and Hillary Guitar Picks. Did you know that you can strum a little ditty with Don and the Hill? Of course you can. It’s 2016.

Trump Gifts

Clinton Gifts

On Debate Guitar Pick, I’m going with Trump. At least his mouth is open (but then again isn’t it always) and he looks like he’s singing along. Hillary looks condescendingly bored with your tune.

2. Trump and Hillary Socks. Because your feet are feeling the chill of this election.

Hillary Clinton Gag Gifts

Donald Trump Gag Gifts

 

In Debate Sock, Hillary wins. Trump’s socks do not feel cozy at all – they’re stressing my feet out. However, Trump does have an alternate option, some fabulously Hairy Socks – so he earns an honorable mention.

Donald Trump Gag Gifts(I mean, whose cat wouldn’t have an absolute FIELD DAY chasing around those Deplorables?!)

3. Hero Shirts.

Hillary gently saves the day as a Fair Maiden on a Unicorn,

Hillary on a Unicorn T-Shirt

And Trump rides in as a crazed lunatic on a tank.

Trump on a Tank T-Shirt

In Debate Hero Shirt, Clinton wins for the dreamlike vision. Although Trump’s is severely more realistic.

4. Trump and Hillary “Herb” Grinders – I guess in case you need a little chill from this election.

Donald Trump Gag GiftsHillary Clinton Gag Gifts

In Debate “Herb” Grinders, Trump wins – because those wrinkles on Hillary’s neck are anything but high.

5. Hillary and Trump Doggie Chew Toys. Or toddler cuddle toys – if your kid enjoys Stephen King bedtime stories.

 

Hillary Clinton Chew ToyDonald Trump Chew Toy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Debate Chew Toy, the reward goes to Hillary. Those cheeks are positively irresistible – and Trump’s look more like his buttcheeks moved upward. Also – that hair would be a petri dish for bacteria.

6. Chia Trump and Chia Hillary Classic Presidential Fun right here.

Donald Trump Dirty Santa GiftsHillary Clinton Dirty Santa Gifts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Debate Chia, Trump wins – the face and hair look significantly more realistic, not to mention the perfect skin tone.

Now let’s move on to the Lightning Round – gifts only available for one candidate or the other.

The Rainbow Pantsuit T-Shirt – for when you’re feeling like a pantsuit but the occasion calls for something a bit more laidback.

Hillary Clinton T-Shirt

The Trumputin shirt – because all true saviors ride in pairs, shirtless, on a pig.

Trump Putin Shirt

 

The Pantsuit Action Figure – in case your daughter’s Barbies and son’s army men are With Her.

Clinton Action Figure

The Trump Piñata – rumor has it Melania had a party with one of these Friday night. Trump Pinata

The “Make America Great Again” Bucket Hat – because nothing – nothing I say – says greatness like a bucket hat.Trump Bucket Hat

The Trump Knife – perfect for all occasions – cleaning toenails, gutting fish, Trump rallies, and more!

Trump Pocket Knife

A Child’s First Book of Trump – It’s just words, people. Just words.

Trump Book for Children

But really, really good words.

Trump Book for Children

So who wins this debate of gifting?

Dirty Santa, that’s who.