Die Like You’re Living.

I wrote this on September 4, two weeks before my dad passed away. 



“Live Like you’re dying.”

We’ve all heard it and nodded thoughtfully at the platitude. Yes, yes yes, we should do all the things you would do if you were dying. Like appreciate life more, even if the garbage disposal just vomited in your face. And hug your children more meaningfully, even if they just flushed your favorite earrings down the toilet.

But now that my own father has been told that he has days or weeks to live, I’ve realized that there’s an opposite sentiment that I never knew existed: Die Like You’re Living.

Pop-and-Noah

Weird thoughts go through your head when you’re processing grief and watching someone you love walk slowly toward death – or at least they have mine. Like, what would I do if I were the one who had days or weeks to live? My first thought was that I definitely would quit flossing my teeth. Second, I would want to go on a world tour and see all the things. And third, I might like to do something irresponsible and ridiculous – maybe even something that was illegal but not harmful to others that I might enjoy, knowing I wouldn’t live long enough to make it to my court date and face the consequences of my breaking of the law. Might it be fun to go 120 mph on the interstate? Might I like to commit Insider Trading so that my family could benefit from my crimes after my death? Perhaps I’d like to hack Amazon and send all my friends their entire wish lists. Then again if I could do that, maybe I already would have. (Right after I sent myself my own entire wish list, of course.)

But my dad has done none of these things. Instead, he’s dying like he’s living. He’s doing all the things I most definitely would never put on the top of my list of Things I Might Like To Do If I’m Dying.

He’s working, for one. He’s finishing up an antique engine rebuilding project that he committed to and has worked on for the last two years. (The thing is a massive antique firetruck engine.) He spent five days in a row, despite feeling generally awful and having no energy due to a failing liver, working in the 90 degree heat – to finish a job. (Thankfully, he had two fantastically wonderful friends travel from Florida to help him, and they were doing all the heavy lifting and hard labor since Dad couldn’t – bless them.)

He’s wrapping up loose ends. My Dad is, after all, in the middle of an 18 year house-building project. He’s trying to finish things and get things out of Mom’s way so that it will be easier for her to finish the house after he’s gone. He’s going to the attorney’s office and making sure all his paperwork is straight. He’s ensuring that my mother has everything she needs to make her future journey as easy as he can possibly make it.

He’s keeping his commitments in all shapes and sizes. He’s sitting in Sunday School, incidentally, the Sunday School class he started to share what he’s learned about death and dying. Over the past several months, he has wanted to make sure the wisdom he’s learned through this journey could help others who are or will be coping with the reality of death – both those of us coping with his death, and those coping with their own or other loved one’s deaths. His insights have been painful, beautiful, and so practical and helpful.

He’s being the most responsible possible version of dying.

He’s not sitting around feeling sorry for himself while slowly slipping away, nor is he out high-speed racing in downtown Birmingham (which, for the record, my dad has been known to go over 100 mph on the interstate on multiple occasions, so it’s not like it’s something he wouldn’t enjoy.) He’s not touring the country to see the things that I know were on his bucket list, like Mount Rushmore, Alaska, and the Aurora Borealis.

These are the things I want him to be doing (aside from the first one.) I want him to live these last few weeks for himself, in the manner that would make him happiest. But he’s choosing to live them for others, in the manner that will make others most comfortable when he’s no longer here.

He’s dying like he’s living, and dying like he has lived. Doing what he said he would do, choosing responsibility over fun, and doing what needs do be done.

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Comments

  1. Jennifer Weed says:

    That is beautiful, Rachel! Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts and insights from your journey. It seems you’re following in his footsteps by sharing what you’ve learned through this very difficult loss with us.

  2. Cathy Morgan says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your dad <3

  3. Jen at Between the Bees Farm & Brewery says:

    Such a testament to the strength of a person’s character, that their life and how they are living it, need not be changed by life changing news. Your father did not need to apologize or try and make up for lost time or alter his life because his life has been lived well. Blessings and prayers as you live through your grief.

  4. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing these precious words. This is a perspective on dying I have not heard before. Definitely will be dwelling on this for a while.
    Much love to you. <3

  5. That’s beautiful. I’m in tears reading this. I’ll continue praying for your family.

  6. You are so blessed to be so aware. So many people don’t stop to look deeply at those closest to them. He has always been such an inspiration.

  7. A man to model.
    A great phrase: Die like you’re living.
    And one of your best articles.
    My thoughts & prayers with your Mom, you & your family.

  8. Christen Sparks says:

    This should be the last week of his Sunday School class. I feel like it ended abruptly and in a weird way. This would tie it all together. Can we ask for 1 more week and read this?

  9. Sarah Woodson says:

    Praying for you and your family. I only knew your dad for a little while but I know he was an amazing person and that you must be aching with loss.

  10. Stev manston says:

    I really enjoyed our men’s motorbike trip to the mountains two summers back. Such a good time with him and great story telling! Wish I would have met him long ago! I also am grateful to see your heart felt comments here. I feel bad for folks who say canned things at times like this. He was one cool dude and we should grin with happiness we got to experience a little of life with him.

  11. Dianne Norton says:

    So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing the beautiful concept of dying like you are living! Oh to be like that! What a blessing.

  12. Your dad sounds amazing. Thank you for sharing a piece of his character and soul, with all of us. We sure could use more fathers just like him. Prayers for all of you as you mourn.

  13. Beautifully written.
    Donna

  14. Megan from Cape Town says:

    Rachel, this is SO beautiful and so challenging. Thank you for sharing <3 May I propose one edit though? Last sentence. Instead of “choosing responsibility over fun” it sounds like he was “choosing love over selfishness”. What an amazing testimony. <3

  15. Wow. Love this.

  16. Your dad seems like such a fascinating man. I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray for God’s peace for you and your family and that you will feel His loving hand with you as you walk through this time of transition.

    I don’t have a gift for words They come out all wrong.. Just know that I care.

  17. Jennifer Harder says:

    This is what great dads do, and your dad was a great one. It gives them great satisfaction to care for their family. Hugs and prayers during this time.

  18. I’m so sorry for your loss. He sounds like an amazing person.

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