What are You Wearing, New Year’s Eve?

New Year’s Eve is a fashion must, especially when you’re a mom who has no plans because her husband is attending a College Football Playoff Game.

You better look good for those kids covered in Christmas Candy Dust, ya know?

(For the record I could have absolutely flaunted my fashion fantasticness at said College Football Playoff Game, but I politely turned down the offer. My willingness to go to football while having a complete lack of interest does have a price ceiling, and certain seats are just too expensive for my butt to rest while I stare listlessly at my phone begging the end of the fourth quarter to arrive. Instead, my Dad will come over and watch the game “with me” while I stare listlessly at my phone and the children run magical circles of melted-chocolate-powered-energy around both of us.)

So, fashion. As usual, I turned to HauteLook to dress me for this momentous occasion.

And, as usual, I found what I was looking for – and a whole lot more. So I brought a few things for you to wear, as well.

Perhaps you’re looking for the perfect spot to wear on New Year’s Eve.

No, not the perfect spot to wear something – the perfect spot to wear.

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If you don’t have time to order, this is a great craft to let those kids you have help you with. Just find a completely sheer shirt that you used to have use for in some prior exciting life,

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Then get your kids to cut out a giant circle out of white construction paper, use a bit of glue, and BOOM!! Fashion.

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Alternately, this is a great costume for a Dr. Seuss party.

I will not eat it in a pot,
I will not eat it in a spot.

And then, change into this outfit and…

I will not eat it in suspendered culottes.

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But really, nothing says “I’m partying hard on New Year’s Eve” like the back of your pants resembling the front of a 1991 seriously Long Butted pair of dress pants.

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Would you rather distract everyone waiting for the ball to drop with your own balls? Then this next shirt’ll do it. Especially if you bling it up a little with your daughter’s craft set and make every one of these pom-poms a tiny spinning disco ball.

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Okay, okay I get it. You’re not all staying at home with young children for New Year’s. (Chris promises to be back well in time to kiss me at midnight, so Alabama better not go into overtime.) If you want to be a little fancier than I plan on being, I assume this is what all the young people are wearing these days.

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I am not, however, appreciative of them making the off-brand version of “Rihanna” out of my name.

Need to imply a pop star’s name without actually using it?
Just stick a Rach on it!

I know that cold shoulder shirts are all the rage this year – either to hate or to love, depending on your personal beliefs.

But how do we feel about cold armpit shirts?

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It’s not really an issue I was ready to face as a human being. How about you?

Thanks to the cold shoulder craze, we have all sorts of body parts that are jealously wanting to get a bit chilly. Let’s do a quick bullet list.

We have the Cold Clavicle Sweatshirt, perfect for moms who want their sweats and their sexy at the same time…

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The Cold shoulder / arm / midriff and…

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back shirt. How DO these women wear a bra?

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The cold “Let’s Put a Tassle on it” shirt,

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The cold “Please Don’t Choke Me” shirt,

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(In case you wanted to understand how it was connected…I cannot imagine how constrictive this shirt feels.)

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The Cold Curtain Shirt,

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The cold shoulder AND forearm sweater,

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The “Stripes O’ Cold” Dress,

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The Cold Hearted shirt,

IMG_1653And, my favorite cold product of all time,

The Cold Lower Thigh Denim Dress.

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It’s as if someone said, “This dress is covering too much. Like nearly every inch of her. We need more skin.”

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And in response, one of the designers, strung out on a bad cocktail of crack cocaine and French Fashion Education, said “I know JUST the skin to show!”

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Okay. Let’s get back to New Year’s Eve.

If you happen to be celebrating New Year’s Eve 1988, may I suggest this beauty.

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It makes me miss my Colors of Benetton Barbie something fierce.

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And this one..I don’t even understand where and when and how and who…but it’s 68% off, y’all!!

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You are looking at Seven Hundred and Forty Five Dollars and Three Cents of free Shop Top!

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My favorite part of this outfit, though, was the clearly photoshopped Thigh Gap. No human in the world’s body curves to make a perfect teaspoon.

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And on that note, Happy New Year.

May you not spend your 2017 trying to attain a teaspoon crack.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. You never disappoint with your “fashion” shows. That last one should say “STOP” just stop.

  2. I thought that nothing could be worse than those corduroy overall coulottes, but I was so wrong. Denim looking cutout skirt thing, I salute you!

  3. These are perfect for my NYE party. I’m gong to a bonfire. And I can burn all of these! =)

  4. That denim….. thing….. oh my!!! Why?! I showed my daughter and she said, ” Those poor models!”

  5. I finally remembered to trim my armpit hairs so they would definitely get too cold in that shirt, but after they get to an inch or so, I could dye the hair and show it off! That’s still “in”, right?

  6. Wow. The dress with the legs showing. Wow. The only one I would ever possibly wear is the cold hearted. The rest are way too hip for me.

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