The Best Worst Comments: Volume IV

It’s a good year when I get to have two Best Worst Comments posts before summer even begins.

It’s a good year because people are really getting passionate about the important things – like sherbet.

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And….bass turds? I don’t even understand what that has to do with sherbet but I’m pretty sure it’s not an ingredient.

The above comments, of course, were on my Dilemna/Dilemma post (and the universe shift theory that goes with it), which still gets tons of traffic due to the MASSIVE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD LIKE ME. Except that those people like me are also a little scary…

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Somebody please tell Zoe that she probably shouldn’t enter a spelling or geography bee anytime soon. Her head might completely explode when she sees that the United Kingdom is an island – AND SO IS ENGLAND!!

Arthur is also still struggling, and apparently still shifting.

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It’s also a good year because people are taking the time to be offended by five-year-old comments on six-year-old posts.

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Actually, Erin was getting offended last year by five year old comments. But of course, someone was offended by Erin this year.

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(One day, I should explain to all these people that the person they’re attacking gets no notification of the attack against them. And that with the time lapse between the offending comment and resulting attack, they very well may be dead.)

(But. I’m sure the fact that their victim is already deceased has never stopped a vicious internet troll before, so by all means continue.)

It’s a good year because, continuing in the vein of “they’ll never see your reply,” my Big Bang Theory MBTI post was graced with an expert who disagreed with everyone who disagreed with me. There’s too many to put here (you’d fall asleep before you read them all,) but “Smarty Pants” took it upon himself to ‘splain to everyone how they got it wrong. Sometimes in short form,

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Sometimes in medium form,

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And sometimes in long form.

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But it’s an even better year because of COURSE, somebody had to come and disagree with him.

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…and, after telling “SmaryPants” (which is way grosser than SmartyPants) to quit disagreeing with everyone, he had to throw a p.s. in there…that was disagreeing with me.

It’s a good year.

It’s a good year because another post that gets a lot of Google hits, an especially disgusting post about that feeling of snot in the back of your throat that you just can’t evict, had some special visitors.

I kinda wish I still had the problem so I could try CJ’s solution. Although I fear I might break my nose again in the process.

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But more detailed than CJ – in the most extreme way, was Chazz Tubjuggler. Who blessed us with three tomes of phlegmy information – including the priceless advice of “become a smoker so that you’re more experienced with mucous removal.”

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There’s so much here. SO MUCH. But yes. He also recommends the “Farmer Sneeze.”

And who hasn’t delivered huge mucous baby at 100mph through their nose?

Also, if smoking is so great for phlegm removal expertise, why has he been dealing with it his entire life?

Oh but Chazz isn’t done.

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The more I read, the more I think that Chazz might have done his lifetime of smoking on a farm. His country analogies are ON POINT.

Of course it couldn’t be a good year without at least ONE fantastic denim comment.

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Oh Ranger. I think you must be the talk of the farm.

It’s a good year because Ed felt it necessary to make this comment on a post that had absolutely nothing to do with Birmingham.

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And Realist made this comment on a post that had nothing to do with Indians.

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And a regular reader, Nancy, taught me this valuable new phrase on this post.

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But my favorite comments are on the post you guys helped me write a few years ago – A Scientific Report on Chick Cars. Obviously tongue-in-cheek, I took a survey and then tallied the results, gauging cars based on their manliness or chickliness.

You’d think that women would be offended most by my gender-boxing, but NO. Men have been extraordinarily angry about the entire idea.

There’s this guy, who was clearly attempting to call me an idiot, but accidentally named himself idiot in the process…

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(There’s absolutely no such thing as sarcasm and exaggeration in Mr. Idiot’s universe, apparently),

And then there was Ryan.

Oh, Ryan.

When I read this comment,

And the name he gave me,

I laughed out loud, multiple times, for days.

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Confederate Shehag.

Guys. He called me a CONFEDERATE SHEHAG!!!

This should be my byline on every social network, business card, church directory, and résumé for the rest of time.

Rachel Callahan, Confederate Shehag.
Writer, photographer, and the reason that feminism is a complete joke.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. Jen in Jersey (for now) says:

    Oh! I had to stop reading all the loogie ones as I was dry heaving into my (thankful empty) breakfast plate. People are soooooo weird, and strange, and wonderful….

    By the way I’m only “Jen in Jersey (for now)” for one more week!!!!

  2. I have never heard stuff broomstraw up my butt… Does the phrase mean you normally can? I might have to start using that one, that’s funny.
    And confederate shehag… I was dying laughing reading that. The Internet can either bring out the best, or the worse. And while trolling has become the pastime of every over inflated ego of 40 year olds living in Mama’s basement, I still don’t understand why people are so angry, and why not not read, or just move along. Does it really make these special snowflakes feel better to insult people they don’t know? People are crazy. But not Renee :) She not crazy, she seems absolutely delightfully normal compared to some of the people walking around these days.

    • I am laughing out loud over your analysis of the broom/butt situation!!! “Does that phrase mean you normally can?” Best comment on a comment ever!

      • Ha! And you must be Not Crazy Renee! By the comments, you most certainly are not!
        I am still wondering about broom straw up the butt. It sounds really horrible in any way :/

  3. Kristen says:

    Rachel I have been reading you for years, and you never fail to crack me up!
    I think about you every time I drive thru Birmingham, and your post on Oak Mountain has encouraged me to schedule a trip there with my CubScouts!

    Thank you for doing what you do…and not taking the comments from the crazies personally…or letting them discourage you!

  4. Colleen says:

    ‘Couldn’t stuff a broom straw up my butt’ hahahha
    Confederate Shehag’ hahahahhaha
    so so funny! Especially your commentary on their comments :D

  5. You definitely got a good crop of comments this year. I wss delighted to see the dilemna/dilemma post as i wrestled with it much less eloquently myself a few years back http://www.logan.cc/blog/2012/03/a-dilemnadilemma
    I was public schooled and can clearly remember being taught the wrong spelling. Why? Also, love the new moniker. Whoever came up with confederate shehag should certainly write more themselves.Amie

  6. These are too funny. It’s amazing how worked up people get! Although clearly Chazz had some important information that just HAD to be shared!

  7. Some of those people…wow.

    Just WOW.

  8. Melissa says:

    People on the internet take things way too seriously. But at least it makes for a good laugh for the rest of us!

  9. Confederate shehag!! I love this! It’s especially funny that you were called a “shehag” because hag is female by definition: “A hag is a wizened old woman, or a kind of fairy or goddess.” Per Wikipedia.
    So it seems to me that you are a confederate double womanly goddess!

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