It’s Time for Some Resolve.


– I resolve to run into less objects, which leave mysterious bruises on my upper thighs that I then spend days trying to remember what exactly I ran into.

– If that resolution doesn’t stick, I resolve to keep a bruise diary.

– I resolve to invent a car floorboard that eats Chick-Fil-A crumbs and toddler boogers, then upcycles them into fuel or coffee or something else just as useful.

– I resolve to help my house lose weight. I’m thinking it has about 4,000 pounds to lose to get out of the “nearly-hoarders” category on the House BMI chart.

– I resolve to actually bake my kids cookies…rather than buying the cookie dough then hiding it in the back of the fridge and slowly eating it by the spoonful.

– I resolve to become a legislative lobbyist – but only for the purposes of getting that dang bill passed to make daylight savings time permanent all year long. Sunset should never happen at 4:30pm – it’s inhuman! Even the farmers in the 1800s would agree – I’m sure of it.

– I resolve to clip my children’s toenails regularly. Or occasionally. Or semi-annually. Okay maybe once in July.

– I resolve to unsubscribe from the 56 emails I get every single day from stores I’ve never shopped at. I’m sure the North Koreans are somehow behind this brutal form of torture.

– I resolve to teach my children how not to be so needy, and even be independent problem solvers – at least when I’m in the bathroom.

– I resolve to figure out how to power an African nation fueled by harnessing and refining the hatred of Internet Trolls.

– I resolve to condition my body into being able to continue drinking 100 ounces of water a day, yet also be able to make it through a 40 minute television show without having to pause it at the most climactic moment so that I can go pee.

How about you?

Leave your comment below!


  1. If you figure out that last one, let me know…I drink water all day long, and have to pee approximate 8,742 times a day, and sometimes even wake up at night.

  2. I will be on your daylight savings commitee. At the very least they should switch it so it isn’t light at 10 pm in the summer. I have children that think it is only bedtime when it is dark.

  3. I work for the Alabama House of Representatives! I can totally point you in the right with the daylight savings time bill! I want longer days, all year around!!

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