Short Stories From the Road.

So you drive a Prius.
You park next to me at the bank. With an empty parking space on the other side of you.
The bank has very, very spacious parking spots, too, by the way.
Yet you park so close to me that I literally (and I do mean literally literally and not figuratively literally) cannot get in my car.
You are sitting in your car.
You light up in a goofy grin when you see me TURN SIDEWAYS to desperately reach my driver’s door. You wave happily as I unsuccessfully maneuver my boobs between our mirrors.
I open my car door the full four inches that you have left available to me.
I try to squeeze my body through the hole.
It does not fit.
This. This. THIS is when you realize that you’ve caused this problem.
And that you can be the solution.
Your goofy smile turns into an apologetic spewing forth of words that I can’t hear because – windows.
You wave for me to move out of the way and, to symbolically represent your intentions, you lift up your key ring that is hanging around your neck (Really? Your neck? Who wears their keys as a necklace?)
You put the key in the ignition…while it is still hanging from your neck…and you back up.
Into yet another empty spot in the very empty parking lot.


This may be my favorite find in the history of my online shopping love affair.

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Because it brings up so many fascinating, yet burning, issues.

Do you have to fold this dress neatly and ceremoniously?
Never let it touch the ground?
Do people sing the national anthem when you walk by?
If someone is in the same room with you while wearing a State of Alabama Flag Dress, do they have to stoop down so they’re shorter than you?
To qualify for this dress, do you have to be somewhat talented at going half-staff in case of national mourning?
Can you eat French Fries while wearing this dress or would that just be too unpatriotic? “One order of Freedom Fries, please!”


Sometimes I run by something that makes me want to immediately quit running, get my degree in Sewer Management, and FIX THAT LID.

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Instead, I have a moment of silence, wondering what happened to all the OCD wastewater treatment employees.


I spotted this gorgeous black shirt while out to eat in downtown Birmingham.

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From show-stopping to door-stopping. The rise and fall of Karen Kane fashion.


Aretha Franklin has not quit singing in my head since I saw this.

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And I’ll never hear that song again without loudly yell-singing “NATURAL NAPKIN!!!” over “natural woman.”


I spend a lot of time in the Chick-Fil-A drive-through line.

Sometimes while waiting, I do math. And discover Deep Secrets of the Chickens. Such as, every fourth chicken strip has 10 less calories in it.

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…which makes me want to have this conversation upon my next visit to the drive-through.

CFA: “Welcome to Chick-Fil-A. How may we serve you?”
Me: “Yes. I’d like a four-pack of fourth Chick-n-Strips.”
CFA: “Of what kind of Chick-n-Strips?”
Me: “Fourth ones. You know – the ones with only 110 calories each?”
CFA: “I’m sorry?”
Me: “I would like all fourth Chick-n-Strips. Simply break into four four-packs and pull me out the fourth strips of each one. This isn’t chicken science.”
CFA: “Um….Okay…..I’ll check with my manager.”
Me: “Thank you!”
CFA: “My pleasure.”


I often clip things to my fridge so that I’ll remember them – invitations, schedules, coupons, and other such vital information.

Then I realized that this was also still on my fridge.

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And decided that perhaps my refrigerator is not the best place to put things if I want to actually notice that they’re there – at least within a three year time period.

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Comments

  1. My only question regarding the flag dress is where are all these people who are buying it? It seems to have sold out in most sizes. I want to find someone wearing it!

  2. Hi Rachel~
    I’ve been a secret blog-stalker of yours for a couple of years now. But today… today, you addressed a problem that has been bothering me for years. Why, why, why do the 5 cars in a lot have to park in a little clump when we all have the vast space of THE ENTIRE parking lot??? And why, when I choose to park 12 spaces away from the rest of the group, do I come out of the store to find that all 8 people that joined us at the bank/grocery/library (pick one) have chosen to park… BY ME?!!! Call me antisocial if you must, I need my space! Or at least I need to give my car it’s space. I used to have a gag parking ticket for these occasions… http://redkirk.webs.com/pages/websgagparkingticket.html … but I’m too chicken to use it.
    Anyways. Thank you for speaking to an issue close to my heart. And for giving me a place to vent. ;-)

    • I agree – I do NOT understand why that lady was right next to me. Furthermore, as we all know that women do not back into parking spaces (nor do women understand why men do), that means that she actually PULLED THROUGH an empty spot with two empty spots next to it so that she could park so closely to me that I could not get into my vehicle.

  3. Thank you for the much needed laugh today!

  4. Leanne Rau says:

    The CFA calorie thing solved, because I’m a geek – it appears they are all 110 calories each, and they are including a 30 calorie sauce allotment with each order.

    • You WOULD figure that out.

    • Wait, so you’re supposed to get one 30-calorie sauce pack with each order, no matter whether you have 3 or 4 strips? So if you’re more hungry and want more chicken, you have to deal with less sauce on each bite. So sad. Fortunately, CFA happily obliges with requests for extra sauce. I personally need one sauce pack for every 2 strips ;)

    • I am quite appreciative of you solving this mystery, BUT the problem still remains.
      a) They cannot just go around assuming I use sauce. I DO NOT. Which means that now I need to remember to deduct my sauce calories. Sauce should be a separate entry.
      b) They cannot assume that one can use the same amount of sauce for 3 and 4 chicken fingers. PHYSICS, people!!!
      c) I know sauce. And the amount of sauce that is 30 calories is about…one drop. Divide THAT between four fingers!!!

  5. The flag dress model looks all surly–like, “Yes, I am aware that this is hideous, but I’m gettin’ paid. It’s all about the Benjamins.”

  6. Vicki Birdsong says:

    Hi Rachel!

    We went to the Georgia Aquarium on Sunday with the tickets I won on your site. It was wonderful and we all enjoyed it very much! Thanks so much for the tickets!

    Vicki Birdsong

  7. These are great! Especially the last one…mostly because I want to know if any of your visitors have seen it and assumed that you are still breast feeding Noah. Haha :)

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