How to Use Essential Oils: A Step-By-Step Guide.

1. You will receive your first (and second, third, and four hundredth) introduction to Essential Oils via your favorite social network – most likely Facebook. This glorious day in your life will occur when you happen to mention any form of personal discomfort. A headache, scabies, a sword wound, or split ends. If the stars shine down upon your confession, you will have commenters on your status. These commenters will bring you into The Age of Aquarius Oil.

“Have you heard of Essential Oils?”

“If you rub just one drop of Lavender Oil on that sword wound, it will clear right up!”

“Can I bring you over some samples really quick? I can rub that Scabies out the back door!”

You have begun to step out of your chrysalis and into REAL LIFE.

A Guide To Essential Oils

2. You will want to keep things quiet at first – after all, oils are kinda crunchy-hippy-kale-eatin’ stuff, and you might want to make sure they actually work before you say anything. So subtly sign up under another rep and receive your first shipment of oils.

Did I mention that they’ll make it significantly cheaper for you to sign up as a rep than to just buy the stinkin’ (and I do mean that literally) oils? That’s okay, you’ll tell yourself – I’m just doing it for the oils.

3. Receive your oils. You may find your nose hairs running for cover up into your sinus cavities upon the initial opening. Your children will hold their noses, screaming as they run from the Blessed Package. Don’t worry – the whole city won’t smell you when you start rubbing that stuff onto every square inch of your body – it will absorb and cure every ailment you didn’t know you had.

4. This will not stop your husband from routinely commenting “What is that SMELL?!” when you come to bed at night.

5. Everyone tells you that a capsule of Peppermint and Lemon Oil a day will make you a better person, a lighter person, a more detoxified person, and a more energetic person. You will stay home that first day because you will absolutely be energetically running to the bathroom all day long.

6. Just like Cloth-Diapering, CrossFit, and Eating Organic, Oil Success doesn’t really occur unless you share it on Facebook. So you will begin crafting your own statuses about these dews of the gods.

“This morning, my appendix burst and I went completely septic. But instead of emergency surgery, I just dabbed on a bit of Thieves Oil. In an hour, I was fine – and I got to keep my appendix. Because I believe in being WHOLE.”

“I quit using tampons and instead simply put a drop of Blood Orange Oil on my lower abdomen. No more periods!! It’s like God forgave The Curse when He gave us these oils.”

“My hair was falling out in handfuls every time I took a shower. But now I just rub a drop of peach oil on my scalp every morning and I have the most beautiful head of fuzz!”

“I had diarrhea all day yesterday, but at bedtime, I rubbed two drops of peppermint oil in the dimple at the top of my butt. I still have diarrhea, but now it smells fantastic!!”

7. You quickly realize that in order to succeed in this Status-Eats-Status World, you will need to know how to defend your position against those who challenge your oils as perhaps not being the most pure, most miraculous, and least witchcrafty oil out there. So you study every oil exposé blog pinned on Pinterest. With the precision of a politician in run-off season, you will now be able to discredit the other brands in 140 characters and with an air of authoritative finality.

8. Your friends and family will be amazed and overjoyed at your new life success. They will also want relief from their periods and cysts and diphtheria! So they will sign up under you and YOU WILL BEGIN MAKING MONEY.

DOING WHAT YOU LOVE.

9. You will begin looking for opportunities to rub oils on everyone and everything in your household (the recliner is looking frayed? No worries! All it needs is a touch of Myrrh!”), but be prepared for your husband to refuse even the smallest amount of oils to cure his post-run aches and pains.

He is a MAN. He will heal NATURALLY.

(Not naturally with oils.)

But don’t worry! Because there’s now an oil called Mister.

What man could refuse an oil specifically for Misters?

That’s right. Your man.

10. You have learned so much, but will want to know the full breadth of your new abilities to cure with these oils, so you will buy the manual. There, you will read about which oils to use for Aneurysms, accidental Anthrax poisonings, Halitosis, and Dysentery! This is when you proceed to your medicine cabinet and throw out everything, declaring yourself to be the epitome of naturally cured perfection. You then go shopping and buy a new wardrobe with the money you will save on doctor co-pays this year.

11. …Until you realize that your bottle of Peppermint oil is now empty. And oh – so is the lemon. And Frankincense is how much to replace?? You can’t live without Frankincense – Even Jesus didn’t have to suffer that!

12. So you log on and begin shopping. As you browse all of the oils available, you may have questions. Such as,

Why does “Into the Future” cost $22, but “Present Time” costs $82? I’d so pay four times more to skip a few days ahead, since Thieves did NOT keep these kids of mine from getting the stomach virus.

Does “Christmas Spirit” actually provide Christmas Spirit all year round, or only when seasonally appropriate? And if I rub it on my feet, am I going to look like a doofus yelling “MEEEERRRY CHRISTMAS!!” to everyone in the Food Court in the middle of May?

“Dragon Time.” No questions there – I know exactly when I need that.

Is “Lady Sclareol” a mermaid, a Madame, or a feminine itch?

If I order “Three Wise Men,” do I get to pick the three men I get? Because Ryan Gosling seems really wise…

But questions are good! Because all of them can be answered in the three dozen Essential Facebook Groups of which you are now a member.


Now that you’re informed, I promise to go study my manual and see which blend of Transformation, Envision, and Surrender I need to treat my sarcasm.

For the sequel to this post, click here.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. High-LAR-ious, and so.very.true! I posted somewhat of a critique about “dem erls” this week and have managed to hack off every oiler in my life. :-/ http://asouthernruckus.com/asouthernruckus/2014/7/8/dem-erls

    • I loved your post! It was really good and balanced, and pretty much exactly where I am – except that I’m not as good of a researcher as you are. But I do use a few and do think they help a little.

      • Aw, the research? Can’t turn it off…I can’t even schedule a doctor’s appointment without multi layer investigations. That’s just #librarianprobs. :) And yes, using a few erls and those few helping a little are exactly where I am with it all. Now SIMMAH DOWN, internets!

  2. Shannon says:

    You Rock! lol

  3. LOVE! So true and SO funny!

  4. Pitch perfect. I start to itch anytime oils come up. And I’m sure there’s an oil for that.

  5. Snicker ;)

  6. Love your post, so true about Facebook posts and claims of oils curing everything. It’s crazy how Bham/Alabama is all over this oil trend.

    However, I find that the oils I do use work for me. I use lemon oil in my drinking water – I like the taste, plus it helps me not drink flavored water like Sobe, Crystal Lite, etc. I also use cucumbers, mint, and orange to flavor my water – whether those ingredients really help to detox or not, what the heck, if it makes me drink more “plain” water, then that’s all good, I use peppermint oil for headaches and nausea and they work for me. I’ve cut down on using Aleve for headaches. And I use lavender oil to make bath scrubs. I don’t sell oils, I buy through my sister who’s a rep and she has never asked me to sign up as a rep.

    • That’s great! I use peppermint, lemon, lime, and grapefruit to help counteract the exhaustion effects of my heart medication. Although I’ve tried some of the others, nothing else seems to help too much. Except Panaway – it’s nice for hurts. :-)

      • Rachel.. some heart meds aren’t suppose to be used w/ grapefruit.. even to eat it. just mentioning.. i’m not a dr and don’t play one on tv. you have probably already checked this out but wanted to mention… (t is just grapefruit– not other citrus. why i don’t know..)

        • on the above comment i am really not sure.. so just google or as the doc if unsure. I was unsure if i should even write a comment.. LOL. but i have read that..

        • Yes, thanks! I have the opposite heart problem of most people, so it’s all good.
          My blood pressure is too low rather than too high, so my medication does the opposite of most heart meds, so it doesn’t have the same interaction.
          And plus, I’m on a new non-heart-med med now, so it’s really all good!
          But seriously – thanks for the heads up!

        • Grapefruit essential oil does not contain the component that the whole fruit does so should not interact with heart medication and is safe to inhale or use topically diluted.

    • Just a note of caution. I had a client using lemon oil in water develop colitis. She had never had and issue and that was the only thing we could attribute it to. Best of luck!

      -Thomas

    • Please be away that putting essential oils in your water can cause permanent damage to your digestive system as well as your liver. It has in others, I’ve heard the stories firsthand. Please the essential oil contains no nutrients so it’s better to use a real lemon. Essential oils are not detoxing anything, I’m sorry.

  7. This is awesome! I was literally laughing out loud at the bit about “because I believe in being whole!”

  8. HILARIOUS. :-) We use a lot of essential oils but we don’t take ourselves too seriously. We’ll give oils a try for various ailments but if it’s not effective you better bet we’re taking our butts to Walgreens for some good old fashioned American over the counter drugs.

    They’ve helped with a lot of things though when we use them in conjunction with medication, especially respiratory stuff. When our kids got RSV two winters ago I looked up what oils would help and applied them to the boys religiously every four hours when I did their rounds of meds, and we stayed out of the hospital. Which was nothing short of miraculous for us, with all the allergy and asthma issues we’d had with our oldest. And my husband cleared up a recurring sinus infection that five rounds of antibiotics hadn’t been able to touch with steam tent treatments with oils. Although I will say this, the steam tent blend he came up with was NOT for the faint of heart. Dear GOD did it burn!!! I would rather take the antibiotics. I’m a bad granola girl.

  9. Technically, I’m a rep.
    But I can’t help but roll my eyes every time I see a post. I’m not sure why, either. :/
    Hopefully the essential oil police won’t come take my lavender away.

  10. Lindsay D. says:

    I love this! It is hilarious!

  11. Dan Carter says:

    Very well done. We oilers are a bunch of whack jobs. I almost wish that oil have not greatly helped the arthritis pain in my hands. Now I’m stuck with using overpriced oils with no side effects instead of toxic liver killing pharmaceuticals.

    When an oil for sarcasm comes out, I’ll be glad to share

  12. ReformedGrits says:

    “No, really, I’m not one of those… I can quit whenever I want!” I told my family I am blocking everyone on social media that is selling something.

  13. Stephanie says:

    I think this might just be your funniest post ever….particularly the butt dimple bit. Is this oil thing really happening on Facebook? I haven’t been around there much lately, so I guess I missed it.

    While I probably wouldn’t jump in 100% right away, I believe that nature-y stuff like essential oils can be beneficial. After all, people had been treating pain with *something* for thousands of years before Ibuprofen was invented. I think I’ll stick with modern medicine for my next sword wound, though.

  14. Christen says:

    This. Is. Hilarious. I laughed out loud several times; the dimple above the butt part was my favorite!

  15. Lindsey Murphy says:

    You win.

    I tried a sample pack of oils that someone sent me. 5/5 were complete busts (and I even had a bad allergic reaction to one even though the websites SWEAR you can’t be allergic.). This post made me snort and giggle like an asthmatic pig.

  16. Lol! Too true! Although I do use a few and they do seem to help. Especially for K, who refuses to take medicine of any kind, and when I force her she throws it right back up. :/

    • Oh my! That is certainly rough. I guess I’m lucky that my kids are obsessed with medicine. Although they try to make up ailments to deserve it. Fortunately for me they’re really bad fakers.

  17. I am so in love with this post!!! A few years ago my sister became obsessed with oils and I kept fighting her on it and then I got married and my mother-in-law sells oils so if I ever mention a problem I’m bombarded with different oils. Ha ha. I still like to tease my sister about them though.

  18. This one is a winner.I laughed so hard. Better than Stress Relief, except now I need Peace and Calming to recover. We enjoy some of the magic oils too. Purification has been miraculous for my son’s acne, but Valor only has a 4/5 success rate for my husband’s snoring.

  19. OMG, I’m dying laughing over here! I will say though, I signed up with the ‘other’ company and we have lots of recipes! I cook with my oils all the time! But seriously, if I see one more FB post of a bullseye rash and someone asking what oils to use to ‘cure’ it I might scream! Oils are awesome, but so is modern medicine y’all. Get the to a damn doctor!

  20. You are so funny! I love the peppermint oil on the dimple the best! Birmingham is finally ahead of the game with something very positive. I look forward to growing my team.

  21. Stephen says:

    Gotta love multi layered marketing. Otherwise known as a pyramid scheme. They especially love targeting housewives for some reason. If I read another jewelry in candles get rich quick scheme from a person who has not made 1 single cent I will scream.

  22. Qoumidan says:

    Melaleuca oil is supposed to be good for everything from scalp itch to toothaches to open sores. Not surprisingly, I’m allergic to it.

    I’ve become very wary of any “natural” cures because I’m severely allergic to natural things like cats, dogs, pandas, pollens, pine trees, deciduous tree sap, roses, etc…

    I”m all for unnatural things that work.

  23. Oh this was so funny! I was laughing so hard, my kids kept asking me what in the world was happening! Thank you for the comic relief…

  24. Cynthia Hillson says:

    Someone sent me the link to your post, really enjoyed it!

  25. Way too funny!!

  26. Melissa M says:

    Oh man! I am on the floor laughing! I love this post! Yes, I was looking into essential oils but I couldn’t decide what to get or if I even wanted to get anything! I think I may have learned that Witch Hazel cures everything hormonal, but no guarantees!

  27. I woke my daughter at 2am with my laughter. A half hour later she can’t sleep, and my first thought was about a nice warm bath with chamomile oil.

  28. Ms.Nikki says:

    I.LOVE.YOU. That is all.

  29. I use a few oils but have only told one friend (my dealer, you know :)). I’m like the opposite of someone who is truly oily, though, because I only try an oil after regular medicine hasn’t worked…thieves has been better for coughs and LLP has really helped with allergies for my girls better than any other meds. I kind of hate myself for it, but whatevs. I think I might make a placebo roller for my girls when they insist on some medicine for something that doesn’t need any actual attention…

  30. Elaine Moore says:

    “Depends” has met it’s match! Not only the post had me on the floor – but the comments rocked. Haven’t laughed this hard in ages.

  31. For men, try:

    Bar chain
    Lucas
    or
    Menhaden

    All 3 are essential to me.

  32. AWESOME. I didn’t read this post for the longest time because–silly me–I thought the title was literal. For more information on my feelings toward EOs, please refer to Noah’s comments in the blog post entitled On Raising a Parrot. You said it all, Noah. You said it all.

  33. So THAT’s how it all works! Dang it, I had a sword wound on Tuesday but I didn’t have any lavender.

  34. Lisa Costello says:

    What?!?! I need to go find out about this 3 Wise Men one!!!

  35. Maid Mirawyn says:

    You are my type of crazy!

    I buy and use oils, but not from an MLM. When my husband brings home plague (he’s a teacher), eucalyptus in my diffuser or mixed into coconut oil helps us breathe (and a bit of orange improves the smell). I put thyme and lime (and a tiny bit of frankincense) in my homemade skin cleanser, and cinnamon and clove in my mouthwash. Tea tree is the only that makes my mosquito bites quit itching; otherwise they form little red knots that tech for days. (Guess it serves me right for not using my essential oil-based insect repellent!) And I much prefer using essential oils But no matter how many purifying oils I slather on my nephew and brother-in-law, they are not instantly un-allergic my cats! (I have actually heard that claim.)

    On a serious note, I’m alarmed by the insistence that you can’t be allergic to an oil if it’s really pure. My best friend is very allergic to lavender; I’m mildly allergic to chamomile. Women have tried to rub oils on her to prove she can’t be allergic to “pure” oils. No thank you; I like her better breathing.

    Unless I could be completely sure she would become a zombie; that might be cool. Is there an oil blend for that?

  36. Tess Nelson says:

    I do use essential oils, but oh that was so good!

Trackbacks

  1. […] Last little thing, I wanted to leave y’all with a super funny blog post I read the other day. I had actual tears running down my face. If you haven’t heard of essential oils by now, (you are very lucky) or you really do live under a rock. This blog post is written by a woman who uses the oils, so whether you are like me and don’t care for them (give me some Clinique Happy please) or you use them, love them, but are a tad bit sick of all the hype on FB, I think you will find this post hilarious! How To Use Essential Oils: A Step by Step Guide […]

  2. […] Avoid exaggerated claims- Sadly, in the essential oil community, there are a lot of wickedly zany claims going on and they make everyone look like idiots. Stick to the facts and be willing to say “I don’t know”. Better to commit […]

  3. […] Callahan has said what many of us have quietly said in our minds for a long time now. She used some sarcastic humor to call attention to the idiotic claims a lot of people make about essential oils. As with anything that grows exponentially, there’s a lot of education that needs to happen. […]

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