Mail-Order Baby.

There is indisputable proof that the moment a woman conceives, a magical bulletin is immediately sent to every baby and children’s retailer in the world. She wakes up the next morning, as of yet unaware that she is with child, only to be completely puzzled by the stuffed state of her mailbox – full of catalogs, magazines, coupons, and, of course, formula samples.

In fact, if women started paying attention to these first signs of pregnancy, the pregnancy test industry would completely buckle.

Now that I’m in the confusing gray area of 6 1/2, or maybe 7 months pregnant, my daily mail is so overwhelming that my postman took a leave of absence until after my delivery, claiming an unfavorable work environment.

Some of these catalogs are useful, most end up in the trash, but SOME of them fascinate me so much that I keep them around – just to marvel at my inability to understand them.

For instance, one that I always sit and ponder is Hanna Andersson.

IMG_1040

Although they have adorable (albeit house-mortgaging priced) kid’s clothes, I’m always so perplexed by their full-family matching outfits…IMG_1032

Granted, my Mom most definitely did, in the 80’s, sew she and I matching Christmas-Plaid full-length taffeta skirts, but I am positive that my Dad would have put his not-used-very-often-fashion-foot down if she’d tried to sew my brothers matching Christmas-plaid-taffeta sweater vests.

IMG_1037

…and if she’d tried to put HIM in the matching ensemble . . . IMG_1034

. . .let’s just say that Christmas would not have been Merry at our house.

But I understand that some people’s husbands are not nearly as anti-matching as my Dad or husband, and that they might actually like to get all matchy-matchy, at least on their Christmas cards.

But is that the only reason that people buy these outfits?

Or, is there a church somewhere in America, that, instead of being Smock-Required, is whole-family-must-be-in-head-to-toe-matching-outfits required???

Because that would be a fascinating Church to visit.

But.

The other day, I received a catalog that would win every contest EVER for being the most perplexing baby catalog ever made.

Posh Tots.

IMG_0987

At first, I thought it was just another run-of-the-mill ridiculously expensive baby catalog wasting their time on me, what with selling $625 make-believe dresses,IMG_0988

(You’d TOTALLY let your kid play outside in that dress, right??)

$2,000 child’s chairs,
IMG_0994

And a wide selection of $4,000 cribs.

IMG_0993(note the $830 shipping charge – when the shipping for a crib is four times more than I paid for my crib, it’s clear that I am not a part of their target audience.)

And, as you would expect in an overly expensive baby catalog, they of course have to show what every woman looks like right after giving birth:IMG_0996
Yes, I can’t wait to get my baby outta my belly and into my $1,300 Pram so that my body will look exactly like that.

But then, I kept turning the pages.

And all of a sudden, that Pram looked like yard sale trash.

Because I arrived at The Fantasy Coach.IMG_1011
First, let me quote the description:

With the wave of our wand a fairytale comes to life. This truly extraordinary coach bed is handcrafted in England of wood and fiberglass. Craftsmen are flown in to assemble, custom paint, and upholster the bed in your home for the total royal treatment. The result is a fantasy fit for a princess. Call for shipping, interior options, and pricing.

And now, the ever-so-affordable price, which must be seen in it’s actual print, or no one would ever believe me:IMG_1004
But wait!

You can’t very well have a $47,000 bed without having the rest of your child’s room comparably decorated – the horror!!

So of course, you’ll need the “Whimsical Shoe Armoire” for $49,000,IMG_1009

The small and quite useless “Carrot Dresser” for $9,000,IMG_1013

And, when on a whim, your little Veruca Salt decides that she is MUCH too old for a carriage bed, you can “downgrade” to an English Tudor Cottage Bed for only $14,450.IMG_1012

But wait!! There’s more!!

All children need to be started out with the correct amount of class, even from the day they’re born. So you’ll definitely need the Carriage Crib before purchasing the Carriage Bed.

IMG_1021

But don’t worry – it’s less than half the price!!!
IMG_1020
And then, of course, you can’t have your children playing indoors all day long on their super-fancy beds and missing all of the important childhood development and Vitamin D offered by being outside, so you will most definitely need the Pirate Tree House for the boys,

IMG_1016

IMG_1017

And the Outdoor Dormant Coach for the girls, (and, apparently, the boys when they’re not in the mood to be Pirates):IMG_1030
…I’m pretty sure that even Queen Victoria herself wouldn’t have ever dreamed of spending $75,000 on a carriage.

But, the quote on the back of the catalog TOTALLY justifies these purchases, just in case you were feeling guilty about them…IMG_1031

One thing is for sure: the owners of Posh Tots must certainly still believe in Fairy Tales if they’re sitting by the phone waiting for my order.

…Now I’ve got to go and find my wheelbarrow to bring in today’s load of catalogs and formula from the mailbox.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. Mommy Instincts says:

    I wouldn't mind matchy-matchy outfits for my family soley to put on our christmas cards and for holiday photo shoots, but I would make darn sure we didn't not wear them out in public, so I'd be coordinating what days we are and are not allwoed to wear said outfits. But you're right, the PRICE! Geesh! I love Hanna Andersson and all, but not enough to pay what they are asking. So I must be cheap, because I would never second mortgage my house just to get a $47,000 bed for my kid. But I must say, I wouldn't mind getting the Posh Tots catalog, simply to look at to pass the time. And dream of how Victoria Beckham probably buys these kinds of things for her kids! lol

    Jen

  2. Silver Strands says:

    LOVE this post! love Love LOVE it!
    oxox
    Denalee

  3. OMG wow. I have to share this. Wow.

  4. That is one of the most hopped up on crack, insane, who has that kind of money to just throw away, OH–MY–GOSH things that I have ever seen!

  5. Sarah Broadus says:

    you trip me out!! I tried the cordinate for a christmas card once…..did not end up well!!

  6. OH. MY. GOSH.

    That's all.

  7. LOVE this post Rachel!!! :)

  8. I cannot begin to tell you how much I LOVE the Posh Tots play stuff… not that I could ever afford it, and even if I could, I would have a hell of a time convincing myself to buy a carriage bed instead of a car or putting a down payment on a house. You know who has this stuff? Suri Cruise, that's who.

    I tried to get them to mail me a print catalogue, but the cheap bastards won't send one to Canada. Go figure.

  9. Ok, I'll admit, I totally look at those matched families and go "awwww" (I mean, how cute would it be to all be wearing matching pajamas (including the freaking dog (that we don't have!!)) while opening presents on Christmas morning?). And then look over at my husband who says "over my dead body". So I settle for well coordinated sisters.

    And that Posh Tots? SOOO want a catalog now just to browse through and make every purchase of my life appear unbelievably salvation-army-on-clearance frugal in comparison.

  10. Wild Woman says:

    holy freaking crap!$625 is more than I paid for my senior prom dress! Who is buying this stuff?? I want to see them…are they real? & if they have THAT much money they need to find better uses for it than a $50,000 CHILDREN'S BED! That is more than mine & Hubby's cars together! I'm not gonna get over this for a while…

  11. I'm speechless.

  12. That Posh Tots catalog is too funny to even gasp at the prices and I can't believe Rachel, that you aren't jumping at the chance to outfit the nursery for Noah in such a manner and then you can't leave out Ali and not redo her room…oh for the shame of it all.

    So I guess that made me a bad parent when our girls had a used crib to begin with and their dress up clothes came from Walmart "after" Halloween was over with.

    Times sure have changed.

    At least it gives you something to post about.

  13. Mary@ Parenthood says:

    We were sad when Elizabeth outgrew her matching Tshirt (Want to see? Second row down here http://parenthood.phibian.com/?ID=135&ShowPhotos=1) but our friend got us another set from Thinkgeek which reads: "No I will not fix your computer"

    So I kind of like the matching thing, I have to say. And my husband's a good sport about it.

    Also, I would love to have a Tudor cottage. But we'd make our own, thank you. That price was "designed" by the same kooks who reckon you should spend 20% of the value of your house on remodeling your kitchen and bathroom once a decade.

  14. Elizabeth says:

    Oh.Em.Gee.

  15. Wade's World says:

    OMG. I have no words. Seriously. None.

  16. oh my. the first catalog? we get it. and i completely don't understand the matching outfits. they do have some cute jammies in it that we're thinking of getting our 17 month old for christmas… but none of the matching ones. as for the second catalog? seriously? seriously?

  17. At first, I wondered how could anyone spend that much and was laughing at their stupidity, but then, I started feeling angry and sad. It's horrible that we spend money like that when the vast majority of this world lives in poverty. I lived in Brazil for 5 years, and I would hate for them to know that people in American will spend money like that. It's absolutely embarrassing.

  18. Brandon and April says:

    hoooooooly nuts. I've never heard of either of these companies. And they should totally be glad of it because I wouldn't hold back in letting them have a piece of my mind if I found their catalog in my mail box! That posh tots, all I can think about is how many starving children in 3rd world countries they could FEED with one ridiculous bed/carriage contraption. just absolutely insane. you're right, they're the ones in fairytale land if they can ignore that fact!

  19. Stephanie says:

    I need that catalog….holy cow, that's pretty exciting stuff! All I got when I was little was canopy bed and my mom's rolltop desk she had as a kid…

    Who buys that stuff for their ki…..oh, wait, Tom Cruise….probably

  20. What mailing list did you get put on? I'm not getting any of these catalogs, want to send some my way?

    Don't you want the family to match when you do your annual January photo shoot?!? I'd pay $ to see you, Chris, Ali & Noah in one of those matching ensembles!

    There are no words for the outlandish baby/kid furniture…are there really people out there that can and WILL drop $100,000 on their kid's bedroom furniture?

    Have you looked at the internet to see if there are real people out there who have some Posh Tots furniture, because I'd really like to know who they are!

  21. Insane.

    It just blows my mind that there are even people who would even think about spending that kind of money on FURNITURE. And furniture that a baby won't even notice. How about spending that money to ADOPT a child or several, and give them a loving home. I like for my children to have nice things (and I do to), but this is ridiculous.

  22. I almost got so distracted laughing at the overpriced furniture that I didn't comment about matchy-matchy outfits. I know many families who love to do the matchy-matchy thing — both at Christmas and at Easter. The men are usually involved too, and they definitely wear them to church.

    I love the idea of boys matching girls on special occasions. :) But, then again, I'm not a mom and don't have to work out the logistics.

  23. babyrompersandonepieces says:

    cute post! i love your blog! come check out our giveaway!

    babyrompersandonepieces.blogspot.com

  24. Jennifer Blattner says:

    I'm almost speechless. That Posh Tots thing. I must say, I am boggled by the "starting at" price for the pumpkin carriage thing. STARTING AT?!?! What other possible options are there for a massive pumpkin carriage thing for a toddler!?!?

  25. Oh. My. Stars. Well you should at least be flattered that they sent it to you thinking that you actually had that kind of money to spend!! I haven't received my PoshTots catalogue yet…

  26. This Is The Day says:

    Oh wow. That is crazy! They must think you are famous b/c only movie stars could afford those prices! I have never seen either of those catalogs. I like my girls to be matchy-matchy but my husband would say, "over my dead body!"

  27. Green Door Girl says:

    Don't go hating on my girls bedroom furniture…. I mean it was a steal and all – two girls – they ARE only young once. I will post a picture soon…. yeah – I will get right on that – wink wink!

  28. Kitty Engle says:

    We have a couple at church with two little girls and the girls and Mom are always dressed alike. They now have a third girl and I can't wait to see if they all still dress alike. That last catalog is beyond anything I can believe. Who buys that stuff?

  29. Now Rachel, you KNOW your children are going to be psychologically scarred for life if you don't buy them things from that catalog…what kind of mother are you? HAHA! That is just ridiculous! What a waste of so much money!!!

    Robin :o)

  30. LaPriel says:

    WOW!! Really?! Oh, my. Okay, I think I will go ahead and buy a house on the beach in Southern California. Because I will only live once, and I still believe in dreams coming true. Besides, I NEED it to feed my imagination (delusions of the bank loaning me the money!).

  31. Just the other day, I was looking at the PBKids website at their insanely over priced bento lunch boxes and thinking that childhood could not be more expensive than at pottery barn.

    I was wrong. By a long shot.

Speak Your Mind

*